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Kelly's Krush Korner - Emily Beanblossom

Now that I no longer live in Olympia and don't have to worry about running into the person I'm about to sexually harass, I can officially say that Emily Beanblossom is the prettiest girl ever.

Now that I no longer live in Olympia and don’t have to worry about running into the person I’m about to sexually harass, I can be honest with myself and the world in saying that out of all the women I’ve seen in my entire life on this planet, Emily Beanblossom is the prettiest.

Emily is the lead singer of Christmas, an Olympia-based band that put on the best show I saw while living in the land of co-ops. Admittedly, I only went to like four shows in the six months I lived there, but their show was by far the best out of those four.

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To give a little backstory, prior to my moving to Olympia I was the music editor for Bust and would receive press releases from K Records about upcoming albums and stuff. One day their promo guy sent out an email saying he was leaving his position as publicist there and I swooped in and snatched it up, which was the reason I moved to Olympia. Olympia is primarily filled with girls who look like the guy who molested you when you were eight, but then one day Emily came into the office and I concluded that she was not only the prettiest girl in town, but the prettiest girl anywhere. I told my roommate at the time about this and she was like, “Oh yeah, that’s (guy who’s job I took over’s) ex-girlfriend.” And I was like “Of course she is.” I mean, it only makes sense that the one girl I’ve taken an interest in in the past year just so happens to be the girl who broke the heart of the guy who’s desk I was currently sitting at. This officially put her off limits, and plus, I’m pretty sure she doesn’t like kissing boobies anyway.

The next time Emily came into the office I had every intention of talking to her. She was chatting with my other co-workers and my plan was to go up and jump right in all like “Hahahahaha! Oh, that’s such a good story. Oh, hey, Emily.” But what I ended up doing was becoming so sweaty and nervous that my glasses fogged up, and then going out the back door to leave for an hour long lunch. A few weeks after that, Emily came in and was talking to the guy who I shared an office with and we had a fantastic conversation. She was like, “How’s your day going?” And I was like, “Pretty good, I just went to Jack in the Box and while I was walking back I saw some guy blow his nose in the street.”

Things I know about Emily include the following facts: Her last name really is Beanblossom; she’s Polish, or likes Poland, or something; she makes soap; she taught herself to play guitar; and if she WERE to ever have romance dates with a lady, they would surely be with me.

Towards the end of my time in Olympia, Emily asked me to hang out and I thought I was gonna crap and die. We had drinks at a bar and then went to her work and had more drinks. She ordered a salad and I was too nervous too eat slash worried about getting shit in my teeth, so I just sat and stared at her. We got along really well and had a nice time, and although it was pretty clear that she wasn’t trying to ask me on dates, I’m glad that the last person I hung out with in that shitty town was the one person who became my favorite in that shitty town. It was like the end of Sixteen Candles, basically. Ewwwwww, look at how many emotions I’m having.

Previously - Megan Boyle