FYI.

This story is over 5 years old.

Stuff

Kelly's Krush Korner - Katie Stelmanis

I want to shove 50 of my babies inside of KS's womb, which I can't even do because I have a vagina.

Since I first started writing this column, I’ve had at least five people ask me when I was going to write one about Katie Stelmanis. The reason why this would be an obvious question to ask me is because I talk about Katie Stelmanis on a daily basis, similar to how that guy in the I Think We’re Alone Now documentary talks about Tiffany.  My standard reply to this question is usually something like “because I like her too much.”

Advertisement

Every time I write about one of my Krushes, there’s always that fear a day or two after they post that I’ll get an email from the person I wrote about telling me to shit in a hat and put it on. And while part of me would think it was hilarious if Katie Stelmanis wrote me an angry note that I could print out, frame, and hang next to my typed letter from Michael Alig in prison (this is real, I have this), the majority of my body and soul tells me that I would want to jump off the roof if I ever fell out of Katie’s favor. I like to think of her out there liking me a whole lot. You like me, Katie, DON’T YOU????

In case you jerks don’t know who Katie Stelmanis is, she is a classically trained singer from heaven who was sent to Earth to sing pretty/spooky/sexy songs behind a piano and then be like “fuck this, I wanna dance and have a reason to wear fancy blouses that move around and catch the light when I’m all up on a wind machine” so she formed Austra, which is a gothier, dancier version of what she was doing before, but now has a name that isn’t just her name, although it’s her middle name. I think it means “smoking hot ass” in German.

I have liked Katie’s music soooooooo much longer than any of you people have. I’m serious. I’d like to tell you that you’re not even allowed to say her name, go to her shows, or listen to her albums because they’re MINE, but that would be crazy. If you can try not doing any of those things though, I’d appreciate it. I learned about her a million trillion years ago when she played a pre-Austra show at my friend’s book reading and I immediately embarrassed myself upon being introduced to her by saying that I liked her “ensemble,” meaning her outfit, but then she was like “you like my band?” and I was like, “no, I meant your outfit” and then we were both like “oh,” and she walked away. The second time I met her was at another one of her shows where I was trying to get in and the person at the door couldn’t find me on the list. Katie came up and I showed her the email I had printed out where she wrote and told me I was on the list and she was like “oh, it’s a good thing you printed this out” and I was like “yeah.” I spent the minutes following that exchange feeling ashamed because the girl I was at the show with was fat and Katie saw her so then I was thinking something like, “oh great, so now she thinks I hang out with fat people.”

I was at a party recently and just happened to meet a few friends of Katie’s and they told me that whenever Austra plays in NYC, the band always stays at their apartment. I don’t know how I went from point A (them telling me that) to point B (me very animatedly expressing to them that I want to shove 50 of my babies inside of KS’s womb—which I can’t even do because I have a vagina), but that’s what happened. They looked scared when I said this, but you know what, love is a scary thing.

I realize that Katie has, or had, a lesbian sex partner, because I lurk everyone she’s ever know in her entire life on Facebook and found this out. I also know that Katie is a great deal younger than me. All of these things are completely fine because although Katie is most likely used to dating people her own age, I LOOK her age, which is all that matters. I look ten years younger than I am but have the sexual experience of a dykearoo twice MY age, so that makes me like a lesbian sex vampire, or something. What I’m basically trying to say is that I’m good at the sex, and would like Katie Stelmanis to stay at MY apartment the next time she’s in town so I can prove it. Oh shit, this just got really real. Um. Bye?

Previously – Winona Ryder