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Entertainment

What Will 2012's Shittiest Movie Be?

The competition is strong.
December 27, 2011, 9:00am

Though there will undoubtedly be many, many terrible films that come out in 2012 that don't have trailers yet (looking down the release schedule I see Resident Evil 5, Scary Movie 5 and something called Hansel and Gretel: Witch Hunters) here's a quick list of what I think, for now, look set to be 2012's crappiest cinematic events:

THE THREE STOOGES

They don't make 'em like they used to, eh? Possibly because a guy letting out a falsetto scream because a lobster just pinched his you-know-whats just doesn't cut it any more. Add in the comedic might of a guy from Will & Grace, a guy from Mad TV, and another guy I don't recognize when the original aim was to cast Jim Carrey and Philip Seymour Hoffman, and you're definitely not helping people forget that even a genre as basic as slapstick has evolved past this. Who is this movie for? Thinking about it makes me sad.

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THE DICTATOR

AIDS joke! Terrorism joke! Funny Arabic sounds! Comedy rap scene! Tits! Another terrorism joke!!!!111

Sacha Baron Cohen is a funny guy, right? So why is there not a single lol in this entire trailer? I guess that part at the end where she says "What am I, a Kardashian?" could have been funny, had that gag not expired in 2010 (back before Megan Fox got surgeried into a monster and Kardashian jokes were still an acceptable form of humour).

AMERICAN REUNION

What food will Jim have sex with this time? Which inanimate object will Alyson Hannigan stick inside her vagina? Who will chant the word "MILF" and for how long? What hilariously awkward thing will Jim's dad try and talk about with Jim? In what ways will Stifler be sexually humiliated? I, for one, can't wait to find out. (PS: Jason Biggs got paid $5 million to appear in this movie. Have fun thinking about that next time you're at work.)

CONTRABAND

I generally can't get into this type of movie. I think maybe I just find it a little too difficult to believe that Tom Cruise or Angelina Jolie is able to singlehandedly beat the shit out of a room full of armed men. But this time we have a star with real-life action credentials. From Mark Wahlberg's Wikipedia:

"When he was 16, Wahlberg approached a middle-aged Vietnamese man on the street and, using a large wooden stick, knocked him unconscious (while calling him 'Vietnam fucking shit'). He also attacked another Vietnamese man, leaving him permanently blind in one eye, and attacked a security guard (again using racist language)."

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Yay for authenticity!

THE EXPENDABLES 2

From the director of Lara Croft: Tomb Raider and featuring an all-star lineup that includes Sylvester Stallone (Stop or My Mom Will Shoot), Bruce Willis (Hudson Hawk), Jason Statham (Gnomeo & Juliet), Jet Li (Romeo Must Die), Dolph Lungdren (Johnny Mnemonic), Chuck Norris (that internet meme that even the most casual internet user stopped caring about five years ago), Terry Crews (Norbit), Jean-Claude Van Damme (Street Fighter), and Arnold Schwarzenegger (Batman & Robin) comes a sequel to the 2010 smash hit The Expendables. Credentials!

THINK LIKE A MAN

There's a lot of reasons why this is going to be terrible. But all you need to know is "Based on the best-selling book by Steve Harvey."

UNDERWORLD: AWAKENING

I remember when the first Underworld movie came out, I was flicking through channels and happened to catch two separate interviews with Kate Beckinsale where she told an anecdote that went something like this:

"Oh God, this is so embarassing, I can't believe I'm telling you this, but the costume was so tight that I couldn't even wear underwear underneath it…"

AND THEN, when the second movie came out, I heard her tell the EXACT same story again. Like, with the "oh God, this is so embarassing, I can't believe I'm telling you this" part and everything. And I feel like if the only way you can market your franchise is to sell it on Kate Beckinsale being unable to wear underpants, it's probably time to let it die.

MISSION IMPOSSIBLE 4: RANDOM WORDS THAT SOUND COOL

Speaking of people repeating the same shit over and over and over again, can you imagine how many hours of next year Tom Cruise is going to spend smugly telling journalists that he did all of his own stunts in this movie? *shudder*

@JLCT