Look. You know I eat fucking anything. I once showed you how to make a chocolate pizza, for heaven’s sake. But, seafood is my nemesis. It all started with an “ocean platter” that had been soaking up the sun. It was followed by an hour of continuous vomiting on a busy train, while strangers formed a conveyor belt of things for me to barf into as I gasped for enough air to keep screaming: “MAKE IT STOP!” Have you ever puked uncontrollably with a swollen tongue? It doesn’t work. Anyway, while the next 24 hours of retching gave me excellent abs, to this day I have some pretty intense Pavlovian conditioning, where even the threat of a seafood meal has me wet-heaving bile. Apart from this dish, that is. Blobfish Medley I stole this recipe from a restaurant in America where it was a requirement to wear a paper bib—the first good sign. It just looked like an adorable bundle of fish and spuds, when in fact it was hiding a glut of dangerous shellfish. Fortunately, it was so cremated that even if the ingredients had been scooped from the sozzled gut of a French monarch, it’d still have been edible. Basically, I’ve never had to shart right after eating this, even though it winds up looking like the ugliest thing in the sea. Ingredients 1 x cup of prawns, cooked or uncooked (it’ll be your responsibility to squeeze all the poop out)
Some mussels (FRESH AND CLEAN)
1 x squid rings
1 x teaspoon of parsley
1 x teaspoon of garlic salt
1 x fillet sole
1 x teaspoon of paprika
More x salt
Lots x mash potato
1 x teaspoon of shrimp paste
Big swig x double cream
1 x pack of prawn cocktail crisps
1 x egg Step 1.
Chop and season your seafood. For the love of Christ get your stuff from a fishmongers. Not only can they pre-cook the crap out of everything for you, but they’ll also competently scrape away all the bacterial ocean poop. In my experience, anything out of the sea sold at a supermarket may as well have been bathed in E. coli. Step 2.
Salt, season, and lather down your sole with oil. I used paprika to give it a smoky flavor and to make the final product look as far away from fish as possible. Step 3.
Fry your seafood medley in butter. I wanted to put some shit about sealing in the flavours here, but honestly I just fried mine in a desperate attempt to kill even more bacteria. You honestly can't overestimate how scared I am of eating anything that can swim.
For an added kick I dumped in a teaspoon of "bagoong," an Asian condiment of fermented shrimps. It smells like a bag of cheap mackerel that’s been left to rot in the abdominal cavity of that French monarch we were talking about earlier. But in small quantities, it somehow makes fishy dishes taste yummy. Step 5.
The bulk of the filling is slightly undercooked mash potato, just firm enough that it won’t collapse into a quivering pile during baking. Stir it all up. Step 6.
I threw in some double cream. Because it makes everything better. Step 7.
To bind everything together, you need the cement of home cooking; smashed up crisps and egg. HAVE YOU GUYS REMEMBERED ANYTHING I’VE TAUGHT YOU? Step 8.
Once everything is mixed thoroughly, unload a blob of the seafood slop onto your seasoned fish, skin side-up. Step 9.
Try not to look at the blobfish fillet you've just created. Step 10.
Roll and squish your sole around the fishy mash, dump on some more butter and bake for 30 minutes at 200c.
Just half an hour later, you'll have a triple-cooked, extra clean seafood delight that won’t have you convulsing through tears over a toilet bowl. (Probably.)
Previously: Girl Eats Food - Rainbow Cake
Really fucking hungry? Check out Joanna Fuertes-Knight's (totally free) online cookbook! It's got every Girl Eats Food recipe ever in it.