This Week in Balls - May 2, 2012

Not everyone can or should follow sports full-time, or even real-time. So we give you the gist of what’s going on in and around the world of balls this past week so you can hobnob with weird regular people at the office, your doorman, your minions, or the guy who washes your cat.

NBA:

- Amar’e Stoudemire did a very un-protestant thing and unloaded on a glass fire extinguisher case after the Knicks’ embarrassing loss to the Heat on Monday. A source described Amar’e’s hand as "hanging off" (ew), and there was blood dripping all over the floor. The Knicks are down 2-0 in the series even with a two-handed A’mare. Now that he’s going to be out for Game three, y’know it will get ugly.

- The US Attorney’s office is investigating the NBA Players Union for, like, nepotism. Billy Hunter, the union head, basically hires his family members, and Yahoo! recently reported he sought to invest the union’s money into a failing bank. Thunder point guard, AARP member, and NBPA president Derek Fisher has been calling for Hunter to resign, but his fellow union members have, in turn, been trying to force Fisher out of his office. Aren’t stories about intra-union battles fun?

- The Nets are out of New Jersey, where they were never really any good, or at least, very relevant. (Drazen Petrovic excluded.) Chris Christie doesn’t give a shit. Good for him! They’ll be in Brooklyn in October, but maybe without Deron Williams, their star point guard. They’ll play in (basically) Park Slope, which is where old people live, and they’re salty, ha ha. Their new uniforms are black and white, like the Raiders. The logo is great, the team… eh.

NHL:

- Joel Ward of the Capitals eliminated the Bruins, and there were a shit-ton of racist tweets. Like, really, “Whoa dude!” racist, not there-are-no-black-people-on Girls racist. Ward is a career hockey minor leaguer, so those mean tweets should have been, “Good job! You’re famous!” tweets instead. Now that the Capitals are in the second round, Alexander Ovechkin, their super-duper star isn’t seeing any ice time, and he is super sad. :(

MLB:

- Bryce Harper made his Major League debut on Saturday, but his hair is not yet ready. (Though it may be a tribute to fellow DC denizen Ian Svenonius.) Harper’s 19 years old and has a chance to be as good as A-Rod, another baseball prodigy who these days is known for just being a straight-up freak.

- The Red Sox are apparently not steaming hot garbage, as they’re on this pretty respectable swing of late to the point that no one is sweating things terribly any more. OK, maybe they are, but that’s just because Boston fans are completely fucking insane.

- The Angels could potentially be moving to LA proper. This isn’t a new story, but Anaheim, where they play at now, says those problems are expressed to be under the bridge. But will they be under the bridge downtown? Where they drew some blood? Also, Albert Pujols still hasn’t homered, and the Dodgers are officially sold.

NFL:

- The draft was last weekend and the ratings were good as shit, beating “Two Guys, a Horse, and a Glue Factory” and “Larry King Interviews A Dog,” as well as two hockey Game sevens. Americans love watching large men in suits learning where they’re going to work, I guess.

- The draft’s Mr. Irrelevant—that’s the very last pick—is named Chad Harnish. He’s going to get a parade in his honor, because why not?

Soccer:

-In Manchester, City beat United in the Derby on Monday, a historic win for the blue team, but just another good hair day for Liam Gallagher.

@samreiss_

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