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Vice Blog

Student Dos And Don’ts

At university you will meet people like Hamish from the Outer Hebrides who’s in the big city studying agricultural engineering. Gaze in wonder as he meets his first ever Chinese person, then ties the photo to a carrier pigeon who flies it home to show...

At university you will meet people like Hamish from the Outer Hebrides who’s in the big city studying agricultural engineering. Gaze in wonder as he meets his first ever Chinese person, then ties the photo to a carrier pigeon who flies it home to show Uncle Wully.

One of the big shocks about uni is that people you don’t know very well will try and make you take part in “awareness-raising events”. If you see this coming your way, run a fucking mile.

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This may look funny in London, but girls up north are still rocking this look. After a few months of acclimatisation your eyes will adjust and you will start to be able to ignore the orange skin and Ugg boot atrocities. It’s the only way.

Dickheads who jog three times a day, wax, avoid heavy drinking and walk around with books by Frenchies in their pockets are no fun. Captain Best Night Out Ever over here has got your back every time.

If you absolutely need to involve yourself in another clique while straining through higher education then get into “street wear”. If you do this right, put in the money and shopping hours you can hang out with cool dudes like this. Look at how much fun it can be!

If, once a month, you don’t wake up on a building site at 6AM to find amazing girls like this rocking back and forward slightly while their eyes roll back in their head then you are not doing it properly.

And this is what you can expect if you fucked up your A-levels and had to go for your third choice university: millions of girls like this who take courses in lipstick design or beauty consultancy managing. Enjoy getting the tube home with her every night.

Aside from “sneaker culture” one of the most homo and expensive trends you can align yourself with while at uni is the trendy fixed-gear bike cult. You spend hours on forums, and eBay searching for the parts to make your dream bike. Then you lock it up outside a pub full of other bike pervs so they can dribble at it while everybody else in the world laughs and kicks it.

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The best way to stop people slipping pills into your drink and then ending up hooked on those dangerous rave drug ecstasy pills is to keep all beverages as far out of reach from others as possible.

If you are coming to study in the UK as part of a cultural exchange with the Latvian middle classes, you may want to know that name belt buckles are out and that putting your dick in 15-year-olds is very illegal over here.

Getting the tube every day can be expensive. Do whatever it takes to avoid paying for it.

At school everyone is always trying to look older, smarter and richer. At uni, if you dress like a children’s TV entertainer you will have lusty 8s rubbing themselves with their wallets in public.

After having rubber bands flicked at the back of his head for a few years, Cedric over here said, “Fuck you, school”, and went to the magic uni where everyone dresses how the fuck they want and still gets laid.