Insane Real Life Movie Scenarios
LA AUTHORITIES OFFERED A $1 MILLION REWARD FOR THE EX-COP BRINGING "WARFARE" AGAINST THE LAPD
Christopher Dorner is already suspected of murdering three people
After a huge manhunt failed to track him down, LA authorities have put a $1 million (£633,000) reward on information about Christopher Dorner, the rogue 33-year-old ex-police officer suspected of killing three people in southern California.
Dorner was fired from the LAPD in 2008 for making false complaints about his field training officer kicking a suspect with schizophrenia and severe dementia during an arrest.
Last week the former navy reservist and trained marksman released an online manifesto saying that he was unfairly dismissed, had been a victim of racism at the LAPD and vowed to wage "unconventional and asymmetrical warfare" against 50 of his former colleagues at the police force and their families.
Since then, Dorner has allegedly killed his former police representative's daughter, her boyfriend and a police officer; the LAPD fired 20 bullets at a 71-year-old woman and her daughter, who they mistook for Dorner, and Charlie Sheen invited Dorner to get in touch after he was mentioned in the fugitive's manifesto.
THE HORSE MEAT SCANDAL MIGHT HAVE HAD SOMETHING TO DO WITH INTERNATIONAL MAFIAS
Or some abbattoirs in Romania, depending on your horse slaughter sources
Over the weekend, two stories emerged about that horse meat burger scandal that bizarrely rocked the nation recently, despite the fact that nobody ever seems that bothered about which minced up bits of whatever are normally in their value burgers.
According to one source, experts in the "horse slaughter industry" – an industry presumably full of people who find it very hard to make friends after describing their business like that – claim there is evidence that both the Italian and Polish mafias are running multimillion-pound scams to substitute beef for the cheaper alternative of horse meat during food production.
The other source claims that the Romanian government are examining the possibility that the horse meat found in burgers in Britain and France came from an abattoir in Romania.
No conclusive evidence has been released for either theory, but the world continues to wait anxiously for it so we can offhandedly mention the guilty culprit once at the pub and then forget about it forever.
EVERYONE'S STILL SHOOTING AT EACH OTHER IN MALI
Well, not everyone – more like Malian troops and suspected Islamist militants
The Malian town of Gao witnessed heavy gunfire between Malian troops and suspected Islamist militants over the weekend.
The fighting came a day after a suicide bomber had blown himself up near a checkpoint at the northern entrance of the town and two weeks after French and Malian forces drove militants out and took the town back for themselves.
After the suicide bombing, the Movement for Oneness and Jihad in West Africa (Mujao) released a statement claiming responsibility and saying, "We are dedicating ourselves to carrying out more attacks against France and its allies. We ask the local population to stay far away from military zones and avoid explosions."
Which you could say is considerate, but the problem with suicide bombs is that they're normally a bit of a surprise, so it's unclear exactly how the group expect the local population to avoid such explosions.
THINK CHILDREN'S PLAYGROUNDS SHOULD BE FUN AND COLOURFUL? THINK AGAIN
A playground in the Cotswolds was shut down for being "too colourful"
Because some people apparently think ruining fun for children is better than just living their lives and not being total dicks, a newly-built playground in the Cotswolds has had to be closed for six months because residents complained it was "too colourful".
That's the problem with areas for children to have outdoor, non-computer-related fun in nowadays: they're just not bland enough.
The red paint used is supposedly not "in keeping" with the area, according to outraged locals, so the area has been fenced off and the playground's developers are seeking planning permission to repaint the equipment.
That's planning permission to paint some plastic.
TWO THIEVES WHO FORGOT WHERE THEIR £2 MILLION HAUL WAS HAVE BEEN JAILED
They hid the stolen goods on some wasteland belonging to no one and still didn't leave a clue for themselves
Lee Wildman, 35, and Adrian Stanton, 32 – both from Walsall near Birmingham – have been jailed after stealing £2 million worth of Chinese artefacts, then forgetting where they had stashed them.
After chiselling a hole in the Durham university museum and taking the artefacts – a 1769 jade bowl and a porcelain figurine – Wildman hid them in some wasteland, came back two days later, couldn't find them and drew the attention of a witness as he shouted angrily down his mobile phone.
Judge Christopher Prince called their idiocy "crass ineptitude" and gave Wildman a sentence of nine years and jailed Stanton for eight years.
SOMEONE RANG A SRI LANKAN PRISONER'S PHONE WHILE IT WAS HIDDEN IN HIS RECTUM
Which is why you should always have your phone on silent
A 58-year-old prisoner at Welikada jail in Colombo, Sri Lanka who had tried to conceal a mobile phone and a hands-free headset in his rectum was rumbled after guards heard a suspicious ringing noise coming from his "wrong end".
Although highly embarrassing and probably quite uncomfortable for the prisoner in question, the incident pales in comparison to the last time Welikada was in the news for a mobile phone-related incident, when, in November last year, at least 27 people were killed after prisoners rioted during a search for illegal phones and drugs.