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The bubonic plague spreads through rodents like rats, mice, and, Iâm guessing, bats. If you live in Boulder, also look out for rock squirrels, fox squirrels and prairie dogs. If for some reason you have an infestation of fox squirrels or prairie dogs in your house, then good lord, fix that. Plague or no plague, that is no way to live.DONâT PLAY WITH DEAD SQUIRRELS
This seems like a no-brainer, but thanks to this little girl/meme, the idea of playing with dead squirrels has unexpectedly become an entertainable idea for some. Listen: Youâll probably get the bubonic plague if you play with dead squirrels. Then, people dying of the plague from trying to exacerbate the meme of playing with dead squirrels will become the next meme. Itâs a dangerous cycle, so itâs a good idea to assume that every dead squirrel in Boulder has the plague. Alternatively, you could solve whatever problems exist in your life that make you feel inclined to play with dead squirrels in the first place.

Our society may have evolved since the Black Plague tore through Europe in the 14th century, but that doesnât mean the original methods of disposal and prevention arenât worthy of a renaissance. Thereâs a lot of wisdom to be gleaned from that song five-year-old girls on merry-go-rounds sing. It teaches us the symptoms of the plague, ways to cope with the smell of dead bodies, and how to dispose of dead bodies. Cremation will both help stop the spread of the disease, and probably also help dismiss the memory of your friend who just died from the plague because he was playing with a dead squirrel.
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Stay as far away from people with dreadlocks as possible. The plague is primarily spread through fleas, and thereâs nothing more hospitable for those rabid purveyors of death than some vegan, Buddhist philosophy studentâs haircut. If you have dreads, an outbreak of the Black Death might be just the push you need to grab those scissors. Itâs like overdosing or running over a kid while youâre drunk â it should serve as a sudden reminder that life is too short to be caught up in bad habits. And socialising with people who braid hemp necklaces and attend drum circles during weekday work hours is definitely a bad habit. It will lead you nowhere.Listen, I care about all of you. Which is why I took the time to write these quick few words instead of leaving my apartment and going to the doctor about this weird pink rash on my hip. So please take this advice seriously, if not so that you can live a long and plague-free life, then do it so that Harold Camping doesnât use this outbreak as more attestation of apocalyptic tomfoolery (if Boulder gets wiped out, you know heâs going to do it).BEN MAJOY