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HUMP FOR THE HOME TEAM

Here is a secret you should not ever tell anyone: porn is boring. Wait, you already knew that it's not taboo anymore so there's no dirty thrill, and that kneehigh...

Here is a secret you should not ever tell anyone: porn is boring. Wait, you already knew that it's not taboo anymore so there's no dirty thrill, and that kneehigh stockings and pigtails and baby-shaved, tattooed mons pubii don't actually look all that great? Shucks. Well, it's dying, hallelujah--its business model is being raped by the internet (which is a serial rapist that should be put on trial)--and death makes some people nostalgic. What to do to save it? Make it into a competitive sport. Competition, as we all know from corporate anti-tax lobbying groups, inspires innovation.

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Plus, it gives the audience a rooting interest, which is a strong enough force it can cause people to actually watch televised golf. And televised poker. And America's Next Top Model. Case in point: Portland and Seattle's annual Hump! amateur porn fest this past weekend, which offered prizes for the funniest and/or hottest five-minute porn films, as assessed by the audience. There was some vanilla sex included, sure, fine, but everybody knew that was never going to win a prize. Some highlights, if you could call them that:

Naked, parts-waggling, bi-gender re-enactments of Beyonce's Single Ladies video
A masturbating dude in a bear mask
That same dude humping a sand sculpture of a female ass because his girlfriend's in rehab
Tranny surprises
Much pegging
People getting spanked with books, then spanking onto books
Kanye West getting punched in the face by an animated penis
Nuns receiving "communion" as penance for being Mormon
Vagina slapping
Larry King watching a blowjob
Goth pee
Some guy humping a dumpster full of uncooked pizza dough
Brothers Quay style, scary-gross puppet sex
An electrocuted penis
Saran Wrap used as an Atomic Age dental dam
A giant anal hook
Sex with upholstered items
Sex with a steel whisk
E.T. sucking off a fully grown Elliot
Shadows humping each other

See what I mean? Competitive sex is the wave of the future. League play starts next Wednesday, and by this time next year they'll have invented newer, more profitable, more efficient forms of sex that will save the economy and make new kinds of babies. After that, I'm going to move to a country where they've never even heard of sex, please. Thanks.

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The winner will be announced later this week; here's a list of all the participants. No pictures were allowed of the event itself (indeed, any and all phones or cameras were permanently confiscated if you got caught using them, and the only copies of the porn were publicly destroyed onstage at the end of the fest), but we were able to get pictures of a few of the participants, below.

These two had the most heartwarming sex since before Eve ate the apple. You get the feeling it smelled like vanilla and cherries, so you wouldn't even have to change the sheets afterward. Imagine two cartoon bunny rabbits without genitals getting it on by fondling each other's hearts. If you showed this porn to kids, there'd be a sex epidemic in grade schools, because it wouldn't even seem like they were doing something dirty.

If you met these people on the street, you probably wouldn't assume that they invited old, fat people from Craigslist to come have sex on their couch. You also probably wouldn't think that the tall guy banged his girlfriend about a foot from the sleeping face of the guy who actually sort of looks like a porn actor, nor that the girl woke him up by squirting on his face. But that's what happened. She smeared a pie on him and made him cum on his own face, and then they both pretended to be invisible. It was a how-to video.

Sex advice columnist and Stranger editor Dan Savage didn't actually have sex. He just, you know, presented other people 's sex for us to laugh at. So it was just like any old day.

Photos by Thomas Patterson