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Vice Blog

BARCELONA - RURAL SPAIN CATCHES UP WITH ALABAMA


The farming community of San Pedro de La Viña recently threw their usual annual fiesta to celebrate their town and featured the same customs as the last 180 years they've been pulling hoes: drunkenness, fighting, and who-can-piss-the-furthest competitions. But the organizers decided to spice it up this year with a tractor washing contest between two contestants in slutty bikinis. (And they wore their bras beneath them--what's the point of that?) These ladies also dragged young males from the crowd into a brownie pan-size pool of filthy brown water, where they were administered a "chocolate bath," aka a halfhearted splashing. Instant tradition.

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Depressingly predictably, the local hacks were on hand to throw out allegations of "sexism" at anyone who would listen. Of course it's fucking sexist. In every town in the world where there are more animals than humans the alpha males will be a group of prematurely balding meatheads wearing gold chains and fake Gucci shades who take time out of beating their wives to get drunk and visit the local whorehouse. It's the same in Germany. And Nepal.

But what really stands out from video of this event is how completley unerotic the tractor washing and "chocolate bath" actually is. The crowd isn't leering with excitement. The air isn't thick with semen. So these shriekers totally failed to get the point. It's not exploitative, it's just fucking dumb.

Nice try, good townspeople of San Pedro. We commend your effort at having fun, but you failed. In case you want to continue on the same trajectory, here are some other equally non erotic activities you can try next year.

Two girls in bikinis:

- Playing with a hamster.

- Fumigating the fields to erradicate louses and weevils.

- Discussing whether Orange or Vodafone is a better service provider.

- Experiencing deja vu.

- Giving up their seats to an older person on the bus.

- Scratching their ears and wondering about whats for tea.

- Having a sudden epiphany of conciousness, throwing off the ideological chains of subjugation and staging a dirty protest, before being strangled to death and burnt as witches by the shocked menfolk.