
This means that there are hundreds of adult human beings who are paid (what's more depressing is that it's probably decent money) to sit in front of computers and randomly send out emails to broadly categorized lists that may or may not have anything to do with their target demographic. Fuck these people right in the ear. We hope they all get murdered in drive-by shootings in front of their families on their birthdays.
In the meantime, we're going to choke a little bit of joy out of the situation and fight back with this ongoing column. We know this means we're ultimately publicizing their shitty products, but hopefully we can make these people look like such morons they'll never, ever email us again.
Up first are Count Gil de Bizemont and Prince Charles Emmanuel de Bourbon Parme, two fancy-pants fops from a rich French family who refer to themselves as the 2 Aristocrats (yes, they use a numeral like Prince). Recently they came up with a bright idea they call the Original Condom—"luxury" prophylactics that come encased in an "elegant box inspired from the world of jewelry." We scheduled a little chitchat with the 2 Aristocrats to see what the fuck was up.
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Count Gil de Bizemont: The idea came during one of my travels. I passed by a little town in the south of France, and the town was called Condom. The French people don't use the word "condom," so for me it was very funny. So my friend and I decided to adhere to the standards of French quality to make something chic and luxurious.Prince Charles Emmanuel de Bourbon Parme: We just want to have something sophisticated, elegant, and, by the way, safe—a safe kind of condom.Your press release mentioned that the reason the condoms are sold in a jewelry box is to save the purchaser the embarrassment of having condoms on his or her nightstand. Do condoms embarrass people in France? Is everyone over there a 12-year-old?
Prince Charles Emmanuel de Bourbon Parme: No, they are not. Actually, the way of thinking about condoms has greatly changed here over the last few years because it's a matter of life and death now. Ten or 15 years ago, if you went to a nightclub with a condom in your pocket you might look like someone who… a guy who might… I don't know how—You might look like a rapist?
Prince Charles Emmanuel de Bourbon Parme: Sorry?A guy with condoms at a nightclub looks like a date rapist? Is that what you're saying?
Prince Charles Emmanuel de Bourbon Parme: No, I'm saying that 15 years down the road if you have a condom in your pocket or in your purse you might be looked at as someone who is easy or not the right person. Nowadays, if you have it in your purse or in your pocket you're someone who is concerned.
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Count Gil de Bizemont: Of course!And they felt good? Count Gil de Bizemont: Well, when you put it that way, it made the job!It did the job the job, huh?
Count Gil de Bizemont: Yeah!How about you, Charles Emmanuel, have you used them?
Prince Charles Emmanuel de Bourbon Parme: Yes, definitely. How can I manage a company that sells condoms without trying the condoms?People sell shit all the time without trying it out themselves. It's good that you guys stand behind your product.
Prince Charles Emmanuel de Bourbon Parme: But of course! I'm sure if someone sells… let's say yogurt, they might taste the yogurt before selling it.Well you know, yogurt and condoms—ha ha, that's funny!
Both: [laugh]Will these fit men with large penises?
Both: Yes.Why do you refer to yourselves as the "2 Aristocrats?"Prince Charles Emmanuel de Bourbon Parme:Because we both come down from aristocratic families.So you're both wealthy men?
Prince Charles Emmanuel de Bourbon Parme: Uhh… it depends on what you mean by "wealthy."I think you know exactly what I mean—the kind of wealthy that makes buying three condoms for $13.50 seem reasonable.
Prince Charles Emmanuel de Bourbon Parme: We conducted a large study about the price of condoms in Europe and the United States. We're not priced much higher than what you can find in the American market. I think that if you want something luxurious, there's a difference. I don't know much about cars, but I'm sure there's a different between a Chevrolet and a Cadillac. Why shouldn't it be the same with condoms?
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Prince Charles Emmanuel de Bourbon Parme: Well, that's an interesting question. I should say that this is the first time someone has asked me that question. I'm going to let Gil answer that one.Count Gil de Bizemont: For me, a condom is for everyone. I don't think it's just for the heterosexual or the homosexual.Well, heterosexuals have anal sex too.
Count Gil de Bizemont: You have a penis, and you need to have a penis to be more or less a human.So you're saying that people with vaginas aren't human?
Prince Charles Emmanuel de Bourbon Parme: I should say that mostly in France condoms are made for both sides, if I say so.So they'll hold up to a good reaming no matter what, huh?
Prince Charles Emmanuel de Bourbon Parme: [laughs] Yeah.OK gentlemen, I think I've had enough. It's obvious that you are true pioneers of the luxury condom market. Thanks for chatting with me.
Prince Charles Emmanuel de Bourbon Parme: I was very happy to have you, Mr. Castoro!ROCCO CASTORO
