With the rise of social media, many daters have noticed an uptick in digital jealousy—and often for good reason. Many people use social media and technologies as tools for cheating or seeking romantic validation. This behavior can destroy a relationship and cause just as much damage as physical cheating.

However, digital jealousy isn’t always grounded in reality. Our minds are known to fill in the blanks with worst-case-scenarios, especially when we’ve been conditioned to suspect ill intent.

What Is Digital Jealousy?

Digital jealousy is exactly as it sounds: jealousy stemming from digital interactions and social media use. 

“Digital jealousy is one of the major issues in relationships that did not exist a few decades ago,” says Brie Temple, COO & Chief Matchmaker at Tawkify. “It is the type of worry or insecurity that results from events taking place on our phone or social media, not from our personal life experiences.” 

Before social media and technology, we didn’t have access to as many romantic options or social connections as we do today. Now, cheating or betrayal can happen over the phone or via Instagram DM.

“If your partner frequently likes someone’s pictures, messages someone during nights, or is all of a sudden getting protective of his or her phone, even without doing anything wrong, it automatically fills your mind with assumptions,” says Temple. “Truth be told, digital jealousy is rarely about [the] phone itself. Most likely, it is about uncertainty. Lack of information leads us to write our own stories and, most probably, those stories are always worse than reality.”

Of course, it doesn’t help that sites like TikTok are filled with dating horror stories and cheating scandals. It’s no wonder why so many of us are on high alert—especially if we’re witnessing disrespect in our own relationships, right in front of our faces.

“It is the result of tiny situations in which our trust begins to deteriorate gradually,” says Temple. “Why do they suddenly follow their ex on social media? Why do they leave comments on someone else’s pictures but not on theirs? In the end, they check who liked what, when this or that person was active, or replay small things that took place [a] long time ago.”

“What is worth mentioning here is that the majority of cases of digital jealousy are not actually connected with cheating on a partner,” Temple adds. “On the contrary, couples are having trouble with understanding each other. Modern technology gives us enough information to build assumptions but not to know the whole story, and it provokes anxiety in the process.”

How to Navigate Digital Jealousy

“The healthiest couples do not have any access to their partners’ phones,” says Temple. “It is better to discuss all the issues related to your digital life beforehand. Every couple should discuss how to act respectfully online: whether it concerns contacting ex-partners, following certain pages, publishing posts about their relationship, or how much private digital life is going to be.”

This doesn’t mean controlling your partner; rather, it’s setting appropriate, agreed-upon boundaries that protect your relationship and help you feel respected and reassured. 

“These boundaries should be mutual for both parties,” Temple says. “Also, people should try to analyze themselves whether they react to facts or to stories that they build in their heads. This one thought changes the situation drastically. At the end of the day, trust is not established by controlling someone’s phone activities.”