On Tuesday, in response to all the terrible shit President Trump has said about women, Joe Biden said that he would "take him behind the gym and beat the hell out of him" if the two were in high school. Predictably, Trump fired back with some fighting words of his own.
Sure, we may never actually get to see Trump and "Crazy Joe" square up on the South Lawn and beat the shit out of each other. But with both of them insisting they'd emerge from the brawl victorious, you can't help but wonder who would actually win.
For his part, Biden's always been a pretty active guy: He played football in high school, and stayed busy lifting weights, working on his core, and jogging with Obama during his time in the White House. Meanwhile, Trump basically survives on trash, refuses to exercise because he thinks the body has a finite amount of energy, and—when he does work out—limits himself to walking and playing golf, the least strenuous sport known to man. Not to mention those pesky bone spurs.
In some respects, though, he does have a leg up on Biden. Trump is a WWE hall of famer with a demonstrated ability to choke slam his opponents. He's filled with rage and aggression almost constantly. And from a sheer physical standpoint, he's bigger: 6'3" compared to Biden's 6'0", 239 pounds compared to Biden's roughly 180. And at 71, Trump's got four years on the former vice president.
In lieu of an actual no-holds-barred showdown between the two politicians, I asked the staff of VICE.com to weigh in with their best guesses on who would come out on top. It's time to settle this thing, once and for all.
Allie Conti, Senior Staff Writer: Biden
This is obviously an unusual match-up, because if it was regulated, Trump and Biden would be in two different weight classes. I've never been in a fight, but I would imagine that scraps are generally numbers games, and the president would have at least 50 pounds on his opponent. I'm tempted to believe that he would just fall on Biden, and that would be it.
However, it's unlikely that he would go for such a maneuver. You really only get one shot at the belly-flop-to-KO, and if you miss, you're just on the ground waiting to get wailed on. On the one hand, this might appeal to an impulsive Trump who wanted to just go for broke. On the other, he's a noted germaphobe who probably would not want to put his face anywhere near the floor. If we're weighing his childlike impulsivity against his fear of illness, I would say the latter quality probably outweighs the former.
All things considered, Trump would probably try to duke it out the normal way, which wouldn't go well for him given that he can barely use his hands to drink a glass of water. I'm not confident he could use those tiny, uncoordinated paws to make a fist and then swing it with any degree of competency. Ultimately I think Biden would have the edge. I'm not sure how he would take down his much bigger opponent, but I'd like to see it happen—kind of like a modern-day David and Goliath situation. Would get pay-per-view for this either way.
Anna Iovine, Weekend Social Editor: Trump
I honestly think Trump would win this fight. For one, he's both bigger and younger than Biden. While he eats like shit and Biden appears to be more agile, I'm sure Trump could just… I don't know, sit on him. Also, more importantly, Trump would play dirty, whereas Biden would fight fair. Trump would resort to biting, hair pulling, kicks to the balls, etc.
In the end, though, we all lose. This "beef" is toxic masculinity at its peak.
Harry Cheadle, West Coast Editor: Trump
Trump would win in a fight, it's not really a question. He's bigger than Biden and I bet it'd be hard to bring down someone of Trump's, uh, heft. But more importantly, this would be a really unfortunate thing to watch. I picture them just kind of grappling for an uncomfortable amount of time, a lot of grunts, and one very mussed-up hairdo. America would be ashamed that it had witnessed such a thing, but no one would be able to turn away.
Beckett Mufson, Staff Writer: Biden
Biden is the clear winner here, simply because Trump wouldn’t be able to focus on this fight for more than 30 seconds. God forbid there’s a TV in the room or a crowd for him to please. As Bruce Lee once said, "The successful warrior is the average man, with laser-like focus." Neither of these candidates are above average in health and stamina, but if one of them is likely to miss the moon for the finger, my money is on Trump.
Lauren Messman, Associate Editor: Trump
I think due to Trump's weight and ostensible lack of stamina considering his bone spurs and all the McDonald's he eats, he could probably win just by falling on top of our former Vice President—pinning him down until Diamond Joe cried out a muffled "uncle!" It's not the ending I want, but considering the cold hard facts, it's probably the ending we would get.
Emerson Rosenthal, Culture Editor: America
Photo via Wikimedia Commons
The real winner? The American people. Watching two greasy softbellies swing-and-a-miss at each other until fatigue sets in and they both collapse, wheezing, on their decaying ass-ham bodies would be an apt, if on-the-nose, metaphor for the puppet-show state of American affairs. Neoliberal Walter the Jeff Dunham dummy versus an "all growed up" Jeffy from Family Circus? Two men enter, no man leaves, please.
Janae Price, Editorial Assistant: Biden
If this were a street fight, Trump would definitely start off with the advantage. I can see Trump blowing dirt in Biden's eye and following with a brick to Biden's face. With Biden shocked and disoriented, Trump would throw blow after blow with his tiny fists, screaming things like, "you're fired!" and "billions and billions of hits!"
But just when you think Biden's finished, he'd conjure up all of his love for Barack Obama, grab one of Trump's tiny fists, and counter with an uppercut so hard it instantly knocks Trump out. I'd also like to think that after this fight, Biden—who's wearing an American flag bandana across his forehead—would triumphantly stand over Trump, declaring, "America. Fuck yeah!" as he rests his balled fists on his hips and a bald eagle soars in the background.
Michael Bolen, Senior Social Editor: Biden
While it's a regular fantasy of mine, we rarely get to see our politicians beat the shit out of each other. That means we tend to rely on clichés when evaluating the question of whether Donald Trump would kick the crap out of Joe Biden. Most people think the big-guy conservative would trounce the wiry liberal.
But we actually have a fairly recent example of a middle-weight progressive obliterating a heavyweight right-winger. Back in 2012, now-Canadian Prime Minister Justin Trudeau actually boxed a senator on live television. Yes, this actually happened. They called it the "Thrilla on the Hilla."
Ahead of the fight, almost everyone thought the martial-arts trained big guy, Patrick Brazeau, would easily defeat Trudeau. But when they actually entered the ring, the blustery Brazeau used up all his energy in the first round throwing wild punches. Once he was gassed, Trudeau easily put him away.
Now, Patrick Brazeau was not only big, but buff. Donald Trump, on the other hand, has earned his flabby figure with decades of fast-food abuse. So, while Trump definitely has the heft required to knock out Biden early, it's far more likely that he'll expend all his energy on wild haymakers and wind up completely exhausted within minutes. After that, Biden should make easy work of the commander-in-chief. Now all we need to do is actually make this happen. If Canada can do it, so can the US of A.
River Donaghey, Boy Wonder: Tie
Humans were never meant to live this long. Muscle mass starts diminishing as early as your 30s and doesn't stop: bones weaken, coordination drops, everything goes to shit. Trump and Biden are both into their 70s at this point. They're just walking husks of their former selves—ambulatory corpses sheathed in sagging flesh. In his prime, Biden could easily have whupped Trump's ass, but now? All bets are off. In all likelihood, if a real battle came to pass in 2018, we'd just get stuck with a tie. Both the guys would push themselves too hard during training and wind up on stretchers before the first punch was even thrown. My vote is for neither. Sorry, Uncle Joe. Aging is terrifying.
WINNER: Everyone loses
We're all losers, here. Two of America's most powerful politicians—grown-ass men with children and grandchildren who both, at one point, have been leaders of the free world—are publicly threatening to kick each other's asses. And we're cheering them on. This is America now. This is politics. It doesn't matter who wins, because everyone has already lost.
But you know, for what it's worth, it sounds like Joe has a real shot here.
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