Welcome back, sun seekers! As the off-season continues to disappoint and remain highly eventful, summer vacation news of our favorite ballers stays strapped in the backseat of sports journalism. But as expressed in the inaugural edition of this column, I have you covered, even as all other reputable sources fail. We will live by the ancient motto "No shirt, no shoes, no problem," all summer long.
If there's one thing I've learned about NBA summer vacations, it's that rookies really know how to do it sometimes. A combination of not really having a clue and not a lot of responsibility can make for an excellent use of downtime. Let's catch up with a few of the NBA's future best and brightest.
Mavericks point guard and big fan of burnin' rubber Kevin Duane "Yogi" Ferrell was at the Texas Motor Speedway to take in IndyCar's Rainguard Water Sealers 600 and meet 77-year-old Mario Andretti. I wish there was a picture of Yogi in the car to see once and for all how deep those seats are, but life on the track's a mystery, as they say.
Rating: 3 scorched tires out of 4
Speaking of tire fires, you have to wish the best for lil' Will: once his summer frolics come to a close, he's probably going back to his scorched-earth team in the fall. (Will we have to get a #FreeWilly hashtag going? Just look at his smile and tell me you aren't concerned for him.)
Willy is the only NBA player we've seen on a jet ski this off-season thus far, tearing around off the coast of one of the Canary Islands no less, but don't panic, it's only almost July.
Rating: 3 lil surfboard emoji guys minus 1 missed opportunity to post a YouTube link to the 'Big Willie Style' video
Honestly I had to Google "which Plumlee youngest" and was, as ever with a Plumlee, disappointed by the results. Marshall is in Yonkers and got a guitar? Cool.
Rating: Minus 2 for high socks and being a Plumlee, plus 1 for tagging Justin Holiday who did not respond
Yes, Marcus! Live your whole summer Moving Like Bernie in the hyperbaric chamber of a resort pool in the Dominican Republic, taking leave of it only to pose on the beach with a macaw on your head and a monkey in your hand. Gazing through the watery shroud we ask, "Are those hot dogs on his swim trunks?" and venturing forth in his slideshow we are graced with the answer: allover hot dogs.
Rating: All the fixings, those nice grill marks and little slices on the top, a sizzling sound—truly top dog
Jaylen was in Córdoba, Spain, kicking the ball around. Then he met Chris Tucker and drank what looks like champagne out of a small plastic cup. You are a credit to Boston and to summer vacations.
Rating: 1 wicked good summer
I don't want to alarm anyone but baby Bruno has been at it all summer so far. My boy picked up a new broom, looked jacked in an IHOP, and hit the beach with another fun-loving Raptors rookie, Lucas Riva Amarante "Bebê" Nogueira, resplendent in sunset gradient boardshorts that made me, for a minute, not focus on what the hell are those two doing in Santa Monica—guys, get the hell away from L.A.
Rating: 2 years away from being 2 years away from the best summer vacation of his life
This off-season has blessed two separate NBA legacies with indefinite vacations. But there is a yin and yang to the long holiday, and it's worth examining the probable results of these two sides of the sabbatical coin.
Though he may yet have a coaching career somewhere in front of him, for now it seems improbable that any team would want to scoop up this twisted tire-fire starter anytime soon. Thus, Phil may be looking at an unfolding vista of free time to fill with trips to his favorite Thai place in Sioux City. If I may suggest a vacation for you, Phil, how about Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance-ing the biggest triangle of them all, with a trip to Bermuda!
Rating: Extremely dark and incredibly broke
The truth is The Truth is having the time of his life, and doesn't need vacation advice from anybody. Paul Pierce started his symbolic waived contract of a summer vacation by being seated next to Nicki Minaj at the NBA Awards and will likely, hopefully, spend the rest of his days hanging out with KG and calling out hypothetical trades as a broadcaster, using himself as the guy you would or wouldn't get in return, a.k.a. bottling cold-pressed #truthjuice forever.
Rating: 5 copy-and-pasted rocket ship emojis executed on 2 phones—a perfect 10