The 'Love Island' Power Ranking: Week Three

Love Island is on again, did you know? Because we have nothing better to do than watch it fervently every single night, every Monday VICE staff will separate the marvellous from the muggy, in this, the Love Island Power Ranking.

It has been quite a week in the storied Mallorcan villa, but following a re-coupling, the sad exit of Rosie Williams (a person who is only capable of walking as though "Work Bitch" by Britney Spears is constantly playing on loop in her brain and, therefore, a legend), and This Year's First Shag – congratulations, Eyal and Megan, may you both be blessed with 1M Insta followers – it seems that an equilibrium of sorts has been restored.

Adam is still looking at women like he is going to actually eat them, Jack is still the walking embodiment of the phrase "dos beers por favor mate", and if the preview for tonight’s episode is anything to go by, Dr Alex will be cucked once again before the night is through. This is peacetime on Love Island, to be sure, but it has taken a rocky week to get there, and the power is, like everyone’s heads, all over the gaff. It's a confusing time, but we’re here to break it down for you (and also we’ve now started referring to the contestants in normal conversation by their first names as if we know them, so honestly we really just don’t have anything better to do).

Let's go:

When Rosie left the villa at the end of Friday’s episode, she only did so after telling all of the women on the show, gathered in their dressing room as she packed her case, "I found love in here with you guys." It was at that moment that Friendship became the most powerful resident in the villa.

The friendships on Love Island are always the best part of the programme. Obviously nobody is going to have an actual lasting romantic relationship on a gameshow where the premise is that you have to be in a relationship to win, but, my pals, there’s no ulterior motive for the pure, slowly blooming flower of friendship. In 2017, for example, Chris Hughes and Kem Cetinay might as well have won the show in a couple of their own, and this year it's the women’s friendships which are the heart and soul of the whole thing: the entire villa is essentially a ladies' toilet in a club writ large. These women have only known each other a few weeks, but in the same way you would die for the crying girl you comforted last weekend in an All Bar One bog – who, even through snotty tears brought about by a man called Josh for reasons which remained unclear, was still able to tell you that "your top is so nice babe" – they have bonded closely anyway.

From Dani spraying deodorant onto Samira's underarms before her date with Sam, to Georgia prostrating herself, Christ-like, on the day bed so Rosie didn't have to sleep alone after her nasty confrontation with Adam, Friendship has had a big, beautiful week. Long may it reign.

New Islander Sam Bird does not give one fuck. Laughs? He’s having them! Bird puns? He’s making them! OG Islander and public favourite Samira? He’s chatting her up over breadsticks, mate! Alpha Male Adam? He’s admonishing him over his shoddy treatment of women!

Whether he’s playing a game or not, Sam Bird has made a quick impression on the villa by interacting with some of its biggest characters immediately. In only a few days, he has offered Samira respite from the sunburned flesh prison of her "friendship couple" with Alex (which has essentially constituted of her warning him about the genuineness of various women, him ignoring her, and her being 100 percent right all of the time), and issued the first real challenge to Adam’s misogynist regime, where others were simply too cowardly. Powerful, certainly.

The year is 2020 and you've got a Friday off work because it’s a national holiday. The sun is shining like a glorious diamond in the sky, and the birds are singing in the trees as if even they know that all is right in the world. You make your way to a local pub where the beer is free and icy cold, and everyone you love is gathered in front of a big screen, which is tuned to ITV2 as the action begins.

You recognise the voice of Caroline Flack commentating as Dani Dyer pulls up in a carriage drawn by six white horses, wearing a dress that looks like a Vienetta, and which Caroline notes was specially designed for her by Pretty Little Thing. She exits to be met by Danny Dyer. They are both openly sobbing.

They link arms and the cameras follow them inside the church. "Pure Imagination" from the original Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory soundtrack (NOT the remake) plays as Dani bobs down the aisle. Waiting for her at the end is Jack Fincham, whose second degree burns from his time in the villa have finally healed. With the exchange of heartfelt vows ("I, Jack, take you, a proper facking sort, to be my lawful wedded wife"), they marry and the entire country believes in true love once more. Their reality show Jack and Dani: Mallorca to Marriage runs for ten seasons (the wedding episode pulling in the most viewers of any show ever aired in the UK), and happiness genuinely feels possible again.

tl;dr: Jack and Dani are boyfriend and girlfriend now and every time I remember it I feel like I personally am floating on a cloud shaped like a unicorn. Love is real.

Samira’s only negative attribute is that she says "cutesy" every other sentence, which – considering the state of affairs as a whole – automatically makes her the best catch in the villa. She has played the long game – albeit involuntarily – by establishing her position through friendships and personality rather than – like Ellie – affixing herself to someone she doesn’t fancy in order to get by, like when Billy Zane nicks a kid so he can have lifeboat priority in Titanic.

Until last summer my only relationship to Superdrug was: 'Ah yes, the place I go when a member of the Goldsmiths alumni has given me chlamydia.' Now I get an adrenaline rush whenever I see the logo because my brain involuntarily starts pumping the theme to Love Island through my veins and causes my eyes to light up in a manner typically reserved for pulling a tray of potato smileys out of the oven.

Capitalism ranked high during week one on account of Missguided dressing everyone this year, blowing any final florets of credibility away in the process. But Superdrug's involvement belongs to the more familiar, less dystopian camp of brand partnership we developed immunity to somewhere between 90s World Cup adverts and Jessie J dressing up like a cheese cracker to promote Tuc. HIGH OCTANE MUSIC! UNNECESSARILY HIGH QUALITY IMAGES OF SHAMPOO! SOMEONE SAYING THE NAME OF THE SHOP A LOT IN A SEXY MANNER! Even in the background, Superdrug is always there, always lurking, compelling you to buy body glitter and stock up on tampons. What was once a high street convenience you’d go to for all your 2-4-1 Simple wipes and packet sandwich needs now vibrates with something resembling #clout.

Sunburn’s down a bit because Alex, according to Friday's episode, has discovered factor 50. Still wearing pink shirts though, aren't you, salmon boy?

*me yelling down a megaphone*

THERE IS NO WAY ELLIE FANCIES ALEX. SHE KISSES HIM LIKE HE’S HER FUCKING NAN. THERE IS MORE CHANCE OF ME ROCKING UP NEXT WEEK AS A NEW ISLANDER THAN OF ELLIE AND ALEX LASTING MORE THAN A FEW DAYS, WHICH IS NOT ENTIRELY HER FAULT, GRANTED (SEE: ALEX VERY SERIOUSLY INFORMING HER OF THEIR "CONNECTION" BUT APPARENTLY REFUSING TO HAVE ANY OTHER SORT OF CONVERSATION WITH HER), BUT SHE SHOULDN’T HAVE PICKED HIM AS A SAFE BET BECAUSE HE’S ACTUALLY THE OPPOSITE, CONSIDERING THAT THE AUDIENCE FOR SOME UNKNOWN REASON ADORES HIM AND WILL VOTE HER OUT AS SOON AS SHE UPSETS HIM, WHICH SEEMS LIKE IT IS PROBABLY GOING TO HAPPEN TONIGHT.

She's got a week left, tops.

For someone who works in a field where composure is an essential attribute, Alex has no fucking chill. Instead of laying it on Ellie with the fires of banter, wit and charm, on which all strong bonds are forged, he mostly corners her once a day to talk about their "connection" and their "connection" only. I know people act differently in work than they do in love, but King's College is my local A&E and I am extra terrified about becoming deathly ill now in case I end up in the hands of someone who requires a pep talk from their colleagues in order to approach me and say, "Haha, yeah, so you like have lupus? I love lupus!" then knock the IV over and go purple when another doctor comes over and does something normal.

Adam – or, as he is informally known, "Human Bruce, the shark from the computer-animated adventure film Finding Nemo" – sucks. He looks at women like a python about to swallow a goat whole, famously kisses like he's trying to clean out a yoghurt pot and is definitely one of those men you can smell half a mile downwind because he literally bathes in Adidas Ice Dive so you'll be too dizzy to notice he doesn't have a personality. Essentially Geordie Shore’s Gaz without emotions, Adam lost whatever power he was holding on to as a certified Brick Shithouse™ after new boy Sam had a pop at him and he delivered the worst contractually obliged sorry-you-cried-still-don’t-think-it-was-because-of-owt-I-did-though apology since Dapper Laughs appeared on Newsnight in a turtleneck.

I miss Niall :-(

@hiyalauren / @emmaggarland