Schoolies. You and your group have acquired a place by the beach, the same beach 30 or 50 other 18-year-olds are staying at for a week. And you’ve had a crush on Jake since the day he did the nude run on muck-up day, which was yesterday. His group are also going down to the same beach. Except the first night you get there you get so drunk you vomit up a bottle of Passion Pop and pass out by 9 PM. And the next morning you find out Jake and Nadia hooked up even though she knew you had your eyes on him.
And this is how sex often goes and doesn’t go at Schoolies. And I know, because I spent a lot of my time as a 17 and 18-year-old trying to get laid—successfully and unsuccessfully.
I once had a 23-year-old European backpacker follow me around all summer when I was 17. I wanted to fuck but he said I was too young, and he kept calling me his girlfriend despite me constantly saying I wasn’t his girlfriend. So all we’d do was grind each other fully clothed. It was very frustrating.
That same year I started sleeping with a tall curly-haired bong-smoking guy who one night admitted to me he thought he only liked me because his ex-girlfriend’s name was also Claire.
Then when I was 18 I followed a Canadian DJ around all night because I had the horn for him. I went with him to the house of his friend who he, in retrospect, clearly wanted to hook up with. But there I was, heart eyes on full, cock-blocking him. I followed him around until the sun rose and walked him to his hotel. He gave me a high-five and sent me on my way. If I had just straight up asked the guy hours earlier if he wanted to make out with me, I could have saved myself a lot of time.
So look, I made a lot of mistakes in my Schoolies years, and I think I can help you out. Maybe even show you how to get Jake to finger YOU and NOT Nadia. Let’s see.
First Rule: Only Bone Down if YOU Want to
That probably sounds obvious. But I’ve slept with plenty of people that I didn’t want to, a lot of the time simply out of politeness. Which always makes me feel weird and shit about myself afterwards. So here are some questions to ask. Firstly, is this person getting you on your own away from your friends? Showing you magic tricks? Trying to get you drunk or high? (If you want to get yourself drunk or high, then do it, but if someone else is trying to get you drunk or high, then be wary.) Or are there rumours of their awful secretive behaviour on Snapchat?
If you answered yes to any of these questions, don’t let them near your genitals.
Second Rule: Consent Is Sexy So Use Your Words
If you’ve got someone in your sights, and they also seem keen, but so far all your interaction has just been pushing someone around in a wheelbarrow, and you’re still not sure if they’re down, just ask them if they want to make out. A good tonguing is hot, but so is knowing you’re about to get a mouthful. What’s not hot is surprise tongue, which is just gross. This rule also applies to all sex—not just p in v.
So just look at the person you want to pash and say, “Hey, do you want to pash?”
Maybe you’re worried that asking is going to ruin the mood, but I can assure you it won't. I often ask if I can make out with the person before I do it. Hey, they might say no, in which case you might feel embarrassed, but you would have been more embarrassed if you just went right in for a smooch and they shut you down. So feel that courage in your belly and let it push you to ASK.
Also, if you have to ask the person more than once, then maybe stop and look at what’s happening. Be aware. You might be behaving inappropriately.
Third Rule: Have a Backup Charger
Keep one of those phone chargers that you don’t need to plug into a wall with you at all times. You want your phone to have juice when you’re drunk on the hunt: Instagram, getting numbers, adding people on whatever messaging app you use, or to call the police or your mum.
Fourth Rule: Chill Out and Masturbate
Sometimes when you’re super horny it feels like you’re walking around with a giant sign around your neck that reads Hello, I’m Horny as Fuck—Please Take This Opportunity to Realise You Don’t Want to Fuck Me. I have, on occasion, taken to straight up messaging people telling them that I’m super fucking horny and I want to bang, and I know they find me attractive, but they usually just respond with “lol,” because coming on that strong can be too much.
So before you head out into a night of divine pleasures (read: eating midori-icypoles, stealing shopping trolleys and getting the horn for Jake) maybe have a quick solo touch up in the shower. That way you can head into the evening with a clear head and not smelling of desperation.
Forth Rule: If it’s Not on, it’s Not on.
This applies to all genders. Condoms, dental dams. Even if you’re on the pill, that just prevents pregnancy, it doesn’t stop the nasty shit from fucking up the inner-workings of your body and mind (Syphilis can literally cause you to lose cognitive functions).
Australia is currently seeing a very scary rise of antibiotic-resistant gonorrhea, plus an increase in all the other sexually transmitted diseases because PEOPLE AREN’T USING CONDOMS. They’re like, “But it feels better without them.” Yeah, okay, we all know that, Fuckboi. But you know what feels even better? Not being up to your ears in chlamydia and pregnancy. I get a full sexual health checkup fairly often and the only thing I’ve ever gotten was moscullum contagion which doesn’t even do anything but isn’t preventable through condoms. I’m pretty sure I actually got it from some gross bedsheets, and not from sex, which is probably the worst bit.
So when your group is at the big supermarket on the way, chuck several boxes of condoms and bottles of lube into your trolley. Lube is great because sometimes when you’re drunk and you want to get down and you’re super into it, your body doesn’t release enough of that sex juice to make it easy, and can end up painful. So squeeze on a blob of lube. It’s not just for butt stuff.
Fifth Rule: Communicate What You Want
If you’re liking it, then say so! If you’re not, then also say so! Maybe you want to give a blow job, or you want your partner to go down on you, or you want something in the bum; then fucking put it into words. People can’t read minds, and in the heat of the moment body language can be hard to interpret. It’s far sexier to spell things out than be left feeling weird and confused. “Why didn’t they know I wanted them to bite my nipple?” Perhaps it was because you didn’t say anything.
Sixth Rule: Actually Enjoy Yourself
People don’t orgasm every time, it sure would be nice if we did, but especially if you’ve been drinking heaps or nervous it can be harder to have a little death. So, in lieu of cumming, make the rest of the sex enjoyable. Maybe your partner(s? – oohh, fun!) are ticklish and like being tickled. Giggling and sex go hand in hand. Sex is meant to be fun.
And just have a fucking good time fucking, yeah?! Express yourself through sex, it’s only going to get better!
And if you end up after the week without having gotten any, or maybe you just got a pash under a blanket, or maybe not even that—then that’s okay! Just go back and read rule number three again: chill out and masturbate.
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