The MUNCHIES Easter Weekend Drinking Guide

You've dragged a suitcase into the office (well, may as well take some washing back to Mum), got your excuse ready for leaving at 3 PM to catch the early train, queued five episodes of S-Town for the journey, and are practically vibrating with excitement at the prospect of four whole days of Out of Office-sanctioned laziness. It's the Easter Bank Holiday weekend!!!!

Despite the promise of home cooked Sunday roasts and Mini Egg binges, the Easter holidays also throw up some challenges: delayed trains, bumping into sixth form ex-boyfriends in the pub, chocolate comas, aging relatives bringing up Brexit …

But there's nothing a stiff drink can't solve. To save you from hitting the Pinot Grigio hard all weekend, we enlisted the help of Stu Bale, drinks consultant, bartender at Bad Sports in East London, and Glaswegian inventor of that Buckfast negroni. Calling upon his extensive knowledge of getting pleasantly pissed, he has found a drink to overcome any Easter obstacle.

Here's how to drink your way through the Easter weekend and rise again on the Monday.

The situation: You're on a packed, delayed train to your backwater hometown. How do you make it through this journey while mentally preparing yourself for a weekend with family members and school friends you haven't seen since Christmas?
The drink: It's a guilty pleasure but I'm a massive fan of a turbo shandy. What's good about getting a train is that you can always get plastic cups at a train station and you probably won't be on the train by yourself. It's Smirnoff Ice, the cheapest beer you can find, the cheapest cider you can find, and how ever many plastic cups you need.

It's equal parts of each thing and it's delicious.

The situation: Hot cross buns and Mini Eggs for breakfast, obviously. What's the best thing to drink with this?
The drink: The best thing to go for is either a peach or strawberry bellini. You can buy really nice peach or strawberry purées and it's early daytime drinking, so you don't want to be hitting it that hard. You're looking at one part puree to three parts Prosecco. It's super easy, everyone likes it, and you can make it up in big jugs to just pour out.

The situation: Dave, that mate who still lives with his mum around the corner from your parents' house, has organised drinks at the local pub for everyone to "catch up" (and so that he can boast about his new car.)
The drink: Try and pass yourself off as sophisticated by ordering something like a negroni or a dry martini. Make it look like you're going places and you're a high flyer.
Note: This tip still works even if you're single and living in a mouldy box room.

The situation: You're hungover (blame Dave's for suggesting Jägerbombs "like the old days") and Auntie Margaret—never one to miss the opportunity to ask a curveball question about "your life choices"—is arriving imminently.
The drink: I'd suggest an espresso martini for that. I would make it with a nice tequila like Ocho, agave syrup, and coffee. Although it'll be frowned upon in most circles, you can make it the day before and preempt the hangover. That's what I tend to do if I'm going to a festival. I'll make up a big bottle of espresso martini to drink in the mornings before the onslaught.

The situation: Dad's in charge of the roast and he's fretting about Nigella and Delia's conflicting advice on potatoes. What should you offer him to drink?
The drink: For an aperitif, I don't think you can beat a nice fino sherry. It's a piece of piss, you don't have to do anything for it. It's not very alcoholic like a cocktail is and it prepares you for eating.

The situation: After last night, the thought of red wine makes you heave but you need something to go with the roast lamb.
The drink: Have a gin and tonic. I'd suggest making it with Gin Mare because it's a Mediterranean gin, which is distilled with rosemary so it works really well with lamb. It's a bit lighter than red wine and the flavours sit nicely together.

With it comes to the tonic, I've always been a fan of Schweppes. It's a bit dull but I like it—you can't really beat it! You can chuck in a sprig of rosemary or some basil, with a grind of black pepper on top. Make sure it's ground black pepper because no one wants to accidentally chew on a peppercorn when you take a swig of your drink. That can really fuck things up.

The situation: Uncle Derek has started talking about Brexit. What do you give him to shut him up?
The drink: Play a round of absinthe roulette. But give shots of Midori to everyone else and make sure the uncle gets the absinthe. That should shut him up pretty quickly.

The situation: Help. You've OD-ed on Creme Eggs.
The drink: Something really light with a big citrus hit is essential—like a daiquiri, a white lady, or a Tommy's margarita. You need a drink containing a clean spirit, that's big on citrus, and has a tiny bit of sugar. It should wake you up a bit and get you back in the game a wee bit if you're sinking after too many chocolates. It'll give you a bit of a slap around the face.

The situation: The long weekend has taken it's toll but it's time to climb on a train back towards reality. You need something to snap you out of this food and drink coma, stat.
The drink: The most famous drink for this situation is Fergus Henderson's Reviver. It's a mixture of Fernet Branca and crème de menthe. It sounds fucking rank but it's really nice and really functional. It sorts your stomach out and does what it says in the name.

The situation: It's 5 PM on Easter Monday. Sure, you've been drinking for three days and it's back to work tomorrow, but you bump into some friends and one pint leads to another …
The drink: What you should be doing is putting yourself out of the game. Just drink until you fall over. I suggest a classic round of a shot, spirit and mixer, and a beer. Repeat until you fall over. You will be hungover the next day, but it's a better idea than staying out until 2 AM for the fourth night in a row. Go out of Bank Holiday weekend in a blaze of glory.

All illustrations by Nilina Mason-Campbell.

This article originally appeared on MUNCHIES in April 2017.