It's difficult to imagine Darren Rovell picking up women. Or, perhaps more accurately, it's difficult to imagine him successfully picking up women. But it isn't hard to imagine those attempts going horribly and/or hilariously wrong. Luckily, an enterprising gentleman named Rob Perez took it upon himself to find out how Darren Rovell would fare on the biggest #brand in the pick-up business, Tinder.
Rather than do his best impersonation of the press release regurgitator, Perez used a select few of Rovell's 81,200 tweets to communicate with the women of Tinder. The results were predictably hilarious.
VICE Sports got in touch with Perez expecting to hear the Rovell Tinder origin story. We got that, but we also stumbled across one of the great minds of the Tinder world. Below is our conversation with Perez over Gchat, lightly edited for readability.
VICE Sports: So how did this brilliant idea come to you?
Rob Perez: Well, I've always been a Rovell follower on Twitter, and like everyone else, just generally annoyed by some of the things he does and ways he goes about them. So, the day he called out the Notre Dame Football player for hooking up with the porn star Lisa Ann, I wrote a blog post about him. The next day, I didn't see him much on my timeline and came to the realization that he blocked me. So, I gave him an ultimatum: please explain why you blocked me in a written letter, or feel the wrath of Tinder.
Needless to say, he never responded. I think I speak for everyone when I say: any opportunity I get to take a shot or two at Darren Rovell, I'm gonna take it. It just so happens that my outlet for revenge is via Tinder. A little unconventional, but, quite enjoyable. haha.
VS: It was a stroke of genius, to be sure. What made you think of Tinder? Was there an "aha" moment?
RP: Well, I had some success with a previous post involving Tinder, where I predicted the entire NBA season using only opinions via girls of Tinder. So, I knew people enjoyed this unique POV and honestly … I just like asking girls on Tinder random questions. The responses are always awesome, regardless of the topic.
VS: Who was Claire?
RP: A former fling that I knew was quite mad at me for always Tindering while we were dating. I knew I could get a funny response out of her if I asked that question completely at random months after we broke up. Haha.
VS: That is bold. I like it. OK back to Rovell. What city/geographic region did this happen in?
RP: I'm in Los Angeles, CA.
VS: Were you worried no girl would swipe right?
RP: My experience with Tinder has showed me that a lot of girls "swipe right" at will/every time—just as much as guys do. So, I knew it was only a matter of time.
VS: How long did it take?
RP: I spent about two weeks researching funny/horrible/soul-draining Rovell Tweets, swiping right, and then having the conversations.
VS: It seems like most of these girls took the comments in stride, more or less. Were you surprised?
RP: Part yes, because I can't believe Rovell's verbal feces actually attracted and solicited a genuine response from random people. Part no, because Tinder is the "Wild West West" of messaging/speed-dating, and these comments were probably the least absurd thing they saw all day, so, [they] probably assumed it was just normal conversation.
VS: Were all of the screenshots the end of the conversations? Or did any go beyond that? Basically, what I want to know is, did any girls want to hook up with Darren Rovell tweets?
RP: A few of the conversations continued to progress, but, unfortunately, no romance has blossomed from this yet.
VS: Did you continue the conversations with Rovell tweets? Or did you tell them what was going on?
RP: I never revealed the intentions of my initial inquiry, and yes, tried to stay in "Rovell Mode" as long as possible.
VS: Did anyone realize what was going on?
VS: Have you experimented with using this story as a pick-up line of its own? Like, hey, I once pretended to be an annoying ESPN pseudo-celebrity on Tinder?
RP: I haven't yet, but I'm certainly willing to give anything a try on Tinder. My "Hey, do you have a band aid by any chance? Because I just scraped my knee falling in love with you…" ice-breaker is getting a little old.
VS: Yeah, that can only work for so long. Based on your Tinder experience, what do you think Darren needs to do to improve his Tinder game?
RP: Stop being so Darren Rovell-y.
VS: Fine advice. Last question. [Writer's note: this did not end up being my last question.] If any girl in the L.A. area is impressed by your work here, should they be on the lookout for Darren Rovell on Tinder?
RP: Women should always be on the lookout for Darren Rovell, but, especially on Tinder. Proceed with caution before you swipe right, because you never know whose brand he's going to try and critique next….
VS: Any good/funny stories or observations that didn't make the post?
RP: Stories about Tinder in general or just Darren Rovell?
RP: I once told a girl I have a man-made pillow fort in my living room, and that she should come over to see it. She actually did, couldn't believe it.
VS: Did you have one?
RP: I did, actually. I build one whenever the Knicks are on TV because there are no adults in my apartment to supervise me while I throw temper tantrums like a four-year-old who was just told that they have to leave Chuck E. Cheese. I think they had played that night and lost in excruciating fashion, per usual, so I tried to parlay my depression into a Tinder one night stand lol.
VS: Did it work?
RP: It did work (I usually strike out like im Pedro Cerrano swinging at a curveball)
VS: A belated congratulations to you.