We've Revived Jockey Slut's "Have You Ever Ridden a Horse" Feature

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We've Revived Jockey Slut's "Have You Ever Ridden a Horse" Feature

And we've got Artwork, Jasper James, and Andhim in the saddle.
December 15, 2015, 11:45am

Do you remember, a few weeks ago now, when we wrote about Jockey Slut, the best club culture magazine you probably never got the chance to read? It was good wasn't it. You've probably spent countless sleepless nights trying to outbid each other for old back issues. Maybe.

If you haven't been doing that, then 1) who even are you and 2) don't fret: you can read an updated version of one of the magazine's most beloved regular features right here.

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We asked Johnno and the rest of the Slut crew to pick an old favourite and give it a modern rerub. They plumped for the backpage spectacular that was "Have You Ever Ridden a Horse?"—a longstanding feature that got the biggest and best in the world of clubbing to answer a series of intentionally awful questions with often hilarious results. We said, "Johnno, mate, why not pick a few of your favourite contemporary DJs and get them do it?" Johnno said, "Sure thing, THUMP, that sounds great." We said thanks. This is what went down.

Artwork

Jockey Slut: Where are you now and what are the vibes like?
Artwork: I'm in my studio and the vibes are…interrupted

Have you ever had a proper job?
Yes I have, I built swimming pools, it was really hard. This is the reason I have never missed a DJ gig. I can't go back.

What do you rhyme Artwork with the most?
Orange

What was the first and last tune you bought?
The first was "Beat the Clock" by Sparks and the last was the Black Madonna's remix of "Relate" by Nick Höppner

What three words would your friends choose to describe you?
Twisted file sharer

What's your most over-used phrase?
It's fucking true, you look it up if you don't believe me, go on…

Which era would you most like to be transported back to?
Last Wednesday.

What three tracks would you choose from a pub jukebox?
Fleetwood Mac - "Dreams"
De'Lacy - "Hideaway"
Chas 'n' Dave - "Rabbit"

What track would you like to delete from your musical CV?
It's already gone.

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What powers would you possess as a super hero?
Being able to stop time everywhere apart from 100 feet around me. That would be handy.

Who would play you in Artwork The Movie?
It has to be Hugh Laurie. I once had my photo taken in an America airport with a group of old dears who thought I was him so I reckon he will do.

When did you last go on a trampoline?
Never been on one, have you seen my legs?

What's the most stupid T-shirt you've ever worn?
Anything by Sports Banger.

To describe yourself while on the jollies do you opt for spangled, mullered or twatted?
Having a lovely time.

Have you got any nicknames?
I bet I have but I don't know about them.

Have you ever gone AWOL?
One of the worst experiences of that was Miami three or four years ago. My work colleague and I got involved in some fun as soon as we landed and what seemed like three hours was more like three days. Highlights included the tour manager finding us and saying we had to go, so I packed everything I had in my room up and waited proudly by the lobby with my passport in hand, hallucinating heavily. He found me and explained to me that we were not going HOME but to the gig which was the whole point of coming to America. Oh and us getting kicked out of P Diddy's house cos my mate pissed up one of his palm trees.

Have you any Duran Duran records in your collection?
Yes.

When did you buy a nice pair of shoes?
For my mate Plastic Ian's wedding.

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Have you ever ridden a horse?
Yes, once in the Lake District. My wife is an ex showjumping champion so she got given a race horse and went of over the hills at 50 miles an hour. I was given "dobin" and had two be lead on a rope by a stable girl who only wanted to talk about JLS for 2 hours. (I got off and walked the last 40 minutes in a huff) never again.

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Jasper James

Jockey Slut: Where are you now and what are the vibes like?
Jasper James: I'm currently in bed in the fetal position, feeling sorry for myself and contemplating my life.

Have you ever had a proper job?
When I was 15 I worked at a hot dog stand for a few months until I got fired for getting really stoned and eating more of the produce than selling it.

What do you rhyme Jasper James with the most?
Insurance claims!

What was the first and last tune you bought?
First tune I bought was Vengaboys' "We Like to Party" and the last was "Heartbreak" by Terrance Parker.

What three words would your friends choose to describe you?
Class, soundcunt, shagger (aye right).

What's your most over-used phrase?
It differs. At the moment 'I GET LIVE' and 'YAAOOW'. It used to be 'brrrrp' until a certain friend killed it by using it after every sentence but it still creeps in the vocab from time to time.

Which era would you most like to be transported back to?
70's so I could GET LiVE with those disco vibes and hippy chicks.

What three tracks would you choose from a pub jukebox?
Chuck Berry - "No Particular Place to Go"
KC & the Sunshine Band - "Get Down Tonight"
Coolio - "Gangsta's Paradise"

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What track would you like to delete from your musical CV?
None, they have all had their place somehow or other no matter how bad I may think they are now.

What powers would you possess as a super hero?
Teleportation would be class. Skip all the travelling malarkey but then again invisibility seems like a standard good to go to choice.

Who would play you in Jasper James The Movie?
Leonardo DiCaprio, in his Wolf of Wall Street guise.

When did you last go on a trampoline?
Not sure about a trampoline but there was a bouncy castle at Seth Troxler's birthday I stumbled about on.

What's the most stupid T-shirt you've ever worn?
I have always just stuck to basics but one of my pals likes to wear one saying 'I Fuck Nuns'.

To describe yourself while on the jollies do you opt for spangled, mullered or twatted?
None of the above. I usually go for 'absolutely burst', 'heavy mad wae it', 'finished' or 'oot ma nutt'

Have you got any nicknames?
Don't think so. None that I'm aware of anyway.

Have you ever gone AWOL?
I got excluded from high school because I 'dogged' it so much and at university I wasn't much better. Still never missed a gig though and don't think I ever will, unless something is completely out my hands.

Have you any Duran Duran records in your collection?
I don't, but if I ever needed any I'm sure Jackmaster has tons.

When did you last buy a nice pair of shoes?
Recently got a pair of Clarks desert boots. The fuckers are killing my ankles, I've been walking about looking like I shat myself my feet are so sore. Need to get some plasters ASAP.

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Have you ever ridden a horse?
Aye, her name was [Redcated - ed.]

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Andhim

Jockey Slut: Where are you now and what are the vibes like?
Andhim: We're at the Rave ON Snow festival in Austria and the vibes are totally chilly!

Have you ever had a proper job?
We both modelled for quite a while but then we got fat.

What do you rhyme Andhim with the most?
"IIst gar nicht schlimm!" Which means "it's not bad at all."

What was the first and last tune you bought?
First tune was probably "Looking for Freedom" by David Hasselhoff. Pretty obvious since he is a hero for us Germans. Last tune was "It Feels like Summer" by Al Green.

What three words would your friends choose to describe you?
Friendly, moderate, hot.

What's your most over-used phrase?
Tobias, you smell!

Which era would you most like to be transported back to?
The 80s! We love the and music of the time. It's just great.

What three tracks would you choose from a pub jukebox?
Roy Parker Jr - "Ghostbusters Theme"
Kano - "Another Life"
Limahl - "The Neverending Story"

What track would you like to delete from your musical CV?
Nothing, we're forward thinkers!

What powers would you possess as a super hero?
Simon: I'd love to be WiFi-Man with unlimited data volume and the best internet connection wherever I am.
Tobias: I see myself as Pastaboy, shooting fresh pasta out of my fingers and tomato sauce out of my feet. Pretty cool superpower while touring. You'd never go hungry again.

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Who would play you in Andhim The Movie?
Simon: Tobias needs to be played by Carrot Top because of their similarity. I'd love to be played by Larry David because he is the king.

When did you last go on a trampoline?
2013.

What's the most stupid T-shirt you've ever worn?
It's the andhim shirt from our shop.

Have you got any nicknames?
Simon: Money.
Tobias: Barbarossa.

Have you ever gone AWOL?
We can't remember.

Have you any Duran Duran records in your collection?
Of course.

When did you last buy a nice pair of shoes?
We don't believe in shoes.

Have you ever ridden a horse?
Simon: That one time Tobi was a centaur I had the chance to ride him long and good!

You can catch Andhim, Artwork and Jasper James at the Bugged Out Weekender 2016. Head here for more information.