As you may have heard by now, whether through local news reports or Instagram memes, the last few months have been a real horror show. And for once, we're not talking about the terrors of the presidential election cycle, nor of the Kim Kardashian robbery or the embarrassing failure of Suicide Squad, but of the widespread sightings of mysterious creepy clowns—all over the East Coast, then the country, and now the world.
They've been spotted trying to lure children into the woods. Running from cornfields onto country roads. Robbing pizzerias.
Perhaps they aren't all malicious, but if nothing else, they're very disconcerting. In the spirit of conquering our deepest Halloween fears, it seemed like time to confront some of these jokers and see what they really want from mainstream society.
The answer: knives. Very nice knives.
Recently, a trio of clowns of the entirely scary variety invaded the MUNCHIES kitchen in search of the most razor-sharp, high-performing knives that they could get their white-gloved hands on. And boy, did they find some good ones. Our test kitchen manager Barry had no idea that he'd be joined by this oh-so-friendly squad of face-painted fiends!
For slicing a crusty loaf of bread, nothing beats this MAC bread knife, with a super-hard, super-sharp blade made of high-carbon stain-resistant steel, chromium, molybdenum, vanadium, and tungsten. Plus, you can sharpen it and straighten the teeth on a sharpening stone—a rare feature for a bread knife. That's why Giggles just can't wait to get his hands on it. (MAC Bread Knife, $85)
As Smiles can tell, this Suisin gyutou knife is all about versatility. Use it to cut meat, vegetables, fish… or anything else that you need to slice and dice. (Suisin 8.2" high-carbon steel gyutou knife, $97)
This Korin yo-deba knife is perfect for heavy-duty butchering—one of Giggles' favorite activities—and can effortlessly slice poultry, seafood, or even frozen foods, with an easy-to-clean handle and a hefty weight that feels oh-so-good to hold in your hand. (Korin 8.2" Special Inox black handle yo-deba knife, $278)
The incredible hammered blade of this Togiharu gyutou knife may make it appear too beautiful to use, even for Smiles, but with its steel core and thin, lightweight blade, it's as functional as it is fabulous (and frightening). (Togiharu 8.2" hammered texture Damascus Gyutou, $159)
If you feel like dropping the big bucks on a knife that you'll want to keep forever (and so handsome, you'll practically want to display it), this Nenox yo-deba knife is a thing of luxury; a powerful butcher knife with a gorgeous red handle made of hand-dyed bone from a cow's shin. If that's not decadent cutlery, we don't know what is. And it's so sharp, it can slice through bones. Noted! (Nenox 6.4" red bone handle yo-deba, $630)
Here, Stabby wields a massive Sugimoto Chinese-style cleaver, or chukabocho. Although he couldn't wait to lodge it right into a pig's head, its thin blade is best for vegetables and tender meats. (Sugimoto Chinese cleaver #6, $320)
Here, Stabby and Smiles use a Suisin paring knife and a Togiharu utility knife to peel sweet, juicy fruit—perfect for throwing at their underperforming peers—while this carbon steel Masamoto cleaver with a magnolia wood handle is best for chopping carrots, broccoli, and other vegetables. Just watch your fingers… (Suisin 3.1" Inox Western-style paring knife, $75; Togiharu hammered texture Damascus petty/utility knife, $105; Masamoto 6.4" Shiro-Ko Kasumi Kuro-Nakiri cleaver, $174)
Smiles couldn't deny the appeal of Masanobu's Damascus santoku, an all-purpose Japanese knife. Though it has a traditional look, it's made using "state of the art computerized laser processing technology," and has a cobalt, stain-resistant blade and a pressed wood handle that makes it a breeze to work with. Who wants to play? (Masanobu VG-10 Damascus santoku knife, $340)
Giggles got a real kick out of hacking up the delicate pink flesh of a black sea bass with an elegant sujihiki knife, which glides through fish effortlessly. This one from Glestain has an indented blade for faster, easier, and more efficient cutting. (Glestain 9.4" indented blade sujihiki knife, $225)
Giggles and Stabby are the best of friends, and clowns who terrorize together also love to snack together. Here, they prepare to dig into some sweet watermelon with Suisin's yo-deba knife—it can cut through anything. (Suisin 8.2" Inox Yo-Deba knife, $188)
Candy corn, jelly beans, and popcorn: This trifecta forms the base of any creepy clown's food pyramid. They're already bite-size, but it feels so good to get sugar-high out of your skull before taking these paring and petty knives for a spin. (on left: Suisin 3.1" Inox Western-style paring knife, $75; top right: Togiharu hammered texture Damascus petty/utility knife, $105; bottom right: Nenox 4" red bone handle paring knife, $325)
Sometimes, instead of cooking, it's fun to do other types of rituals with our favorite knives. Smiles made this beautiful display to show off the lovely serration on this MAC bread knife (and his jelly bean pentagram, of course). (MAC Bread Knife, $85)
Stabby made sure to take this Suisin knife from Barry because Barry said it was his favorite all-purpose kitchen knife, at home and at work. With its heavy, stain-resistant steel blade and birch handle, that comes as no surprise. Now Stabby can play with it forever and ever and ever. (Suisin 8.2" Inox Yo-Deba knife, $188)
Sweet dreams and happy Halloween from Stabby, Smiles, and Giggles!
All knives available at Korin, 57 Warren Street, New York, NY 10007.
EDITOR'S NOTE: The following editorial is for entertainment purposes only. Obviously, kitchen knives should only be used for their intended cooking purpose. This post previously appeared on MUNCHIES in October, 2016.