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Friday Night Lights: Previewing Chelsea vs. Liverpool

In our first Premier League Preview of the week, we discuss our inherent mistrust of Friday night football, and the potential goings-on at Stamford Bridge.
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It's that time of the week again, specifically Friday, where we preview the coming fixtures in the Premier League. We don't necessarily want to preview them, it's quite laborious in fact, but it's the biggest competition in world football, so we have very little choice. This is the curse of the sports writer, the leaden cross we have to bear; writing amusing Premier League tidbits so that you, the entitled bloody reader, can procrastinate at work. We slave away at our writing desks, so that you might while away the hours thinking about the football, then go grudgingly back to your auditing, or whatever the fuck it is you people do for a living. This is our sacrifice, our quiet, noble sacrifice, and we never hear a word of thanks for it, especially not in the comments section, where people are almost exclusively mean.


Anyway, let's talk about Chelsea vs. Liverpool. We feel inherent mistrust for Friday night football, much like we feel suspicious towards anything that represents progress, anything that is 'new' and 'cool' and 'fun'. Friday is a day for contemplation, followed by an evening of heavy drinking and substance abuse by which we hope, for several fleeting hours, to forget the pointless drudgery of existence. Throwing an hour and a half of football into the equation only complicates things, and nothing good can come of it, say we.

That said, there should be plenty of incident at Stamford Bridge this evening. Chelsea under Antonio Conte are much like the Conservative Party, in that they are more objectionable than ever and seemingly impossible to beat. Conte himself is a touchline psychopath, prowling his technical area with all the menace and extreme violence of an incarcerated Hannibal Lecter. If Jurgen Klopp does one of his trademark jump-around-fist-pumping-like-an-idiot celebrations, it's quite possible that Conte will simply rend him limb from limb.

The game itself should be a close one, with both teams in good form. While Chelsea were contentiously denied a win against Swansea last week, Liverpool thumped Leicester, and did so with a dash of panache. Whatever the score, it can be guaranteed that Diego Costa will make the headlines, most likely after stamping on Jordan Henderson's face with two feet before scoring a winner in the final minute. He has previous against Liverpool, mind, so perhaps the officials will be keeping an eye out for the appropriate opportunity to send him off.