— Giddy-in-love couples who have been dating for seven weeks or less;
— Two identically-dressed lads who both fancy Charlotte, at least one whom she threatens to nosh off (*2);
— Two girls who say they are best pals but do not yet know that you shed best pals like snake skins as you age, and at the age of 20 they might be best mates now, sure – say that to the cameras, sure, I have no doubt that you think it, even – but in three years they will loathe each other, and I'm not talking "Facebook status subtweets about each other", I'm talking full on "attempting to burn your mum's house down" hatred;
— An exceptionally strange father-daughter combo;
— More lads;
— Two people who are famous on MTV and shagging;
— One person who is famous on MTV and the normal person they deign to spend time with, either shagging them or being friends with them;
— so we meet our couples, and they say how they know each other and for how long, why they are mates or why they are in love, lads quietly saying "no he's a good laugh, he's a good laugh, we get on" about their mates who, sat next to them, seem to be wearing around six or seven layers of streetwear, just impossible amounts of streetwear, hoodies both on top of and beneath a gilet, and couples knot their hands and everyone says: "I'm gonna stitch them up." And Stephen Bear pauses for a second and then says: "Really."— These are the only possible couples.
THAT IS THE END OF THE GUIDESThere are certain tropes and standards you must meet when televising tattoo culture or tattoo art in any possible way, many established by Tattoo Fixers but also coming from society as a whole, and I am pleased to tell you JTOU adheres to them strictly. Incidental rock-flavoured background music, for instance. Slow-motion 4K close-up shots of someone snarling and wiping some bloody ink off an arm. It really helps if someone says "gnarly". Minimum of one of the tattoo artists needs to be wearing a baseball cap. People, I find, get tattoos for one of two reasons: i. extremely meaningful, deep, emotional reasons, to honour a dead brother or mum, to mark a plate-shifting moment in ones life; ii. because it's very funny and they have thought as much for <10 seconds. This has never been illustrated better than in the following clip, courtesy of and w/ thanks to MTV:— The name of your male best friend, near your dick;
— An extremely flamboyant girlish tattoo, near your dick;
— The words "ONCE A CHEATER, ALWAYS A CHEATER" near your dick;
— A picture of a dick;
— A portrait of someone you like/dislike/your dog;
— A vague visual representation of an in-joke you had with someone, on holiday, once;
— An intricate and sort of heartfelt design that is inked small on the back of the neck (this is only done on girls, by boyfriends who are too afraid of their girlfriend's temper to actually stitch them up on live TV with a tattoo, and literally all of these times the girlfriend has been i. MTV famous ii. furious with the result anyway)
— Those are the only viable tattoo options;