What are the gifts that are surefire ways to impress your loved ones for the holidays? Well, there’s always furniture (heavily branded by their favorite designer labels), prime picks from the metaphorical pumpkin spice patch, or sex toys for, shall we say, “unconventional” desires. The stress of holiday shopping is enough to have someone ripping open a package of CBD dog bones and consider using them for human consumption—because how on Earth could you one-up the holiday gifts you gave out a few years ago? Take a deep breath, pull up a bean bag chair, and hunker down for some relationship advice from us (your complimentary cool uncles) about the best gifts to give a long-term partner.
We would be lying if we said that money didn’t make a difference when you’re shopping for a really nice present; James Bond villain-worthy vacation pads in Mexico cost coins and take some serious planning. But that’s the thing: More so than money, the best gifts for your long-term boyfriend, girlfriend, or partner require some strategy—and a flair for drama. Why gift them the smol Le Creuset Dutch oven (damn, it is pretty cute, actually), when you could gift them a piece of five-quart-capable piece of cookware that your children, or at least your Giga Pet, will inherit once we’ve all died? Why gift them the standard, torso-sized art book from TASCHEN when you could gift them a David Hockney book so beautiful that it comes with its own piece of furniture? Whether you’re shopping for presents under $100 or looking to drop some once-in-a-lifetime Benjamins, here are the best presents for someone you’ve been in a relationship with for a really long time (and who is expecting something really nice this year).
A bike worthy of carrying that sweet peach
Did this charming bike roll off a Wes Anderson film set? Just look at those chrome accents, affixed bottle opener, and little bell for ring-a-dinging down the confetti’d streets once the war is over. Cop it while it’s over $150 off.
State Bicycle Co.
The Elliston (3 Speed)
$499.99$345 at State Bicycle Co.
$499.99$345 at State Bicycle Co.
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Candles are the gifting hack of the holidays
A certain colleague of ours here at VICE divulged their holiday shopping hack: Buy a grip of nice candles at the top of the gifting season, and then keep them on deck for when you’re stumped on what to cop for that “special” someone or last-minute gifts (because let’s be honest: the ones closest to you are likely to be the last ones you shop for). But since this one’s for your long-term boo, this Voluspa candle is larger than a small dog, and will possibly outlast an entire year’s worth of small talk with the in-laws, packing a notable 250 hours of burn time. That’s a total of roughly 22 Lord of the Rings (extended) trilogy binge watches, and almost enough time to figure out why you’re weirdly obligated to buy gifts for [insert: coworkers, in-laws, neighbors] this holiday season. At least you can get the fringe benefit of sweet, endless aromatherapy via Japanese cypress and black musk.
… Alternatively, you could experience the divine sense of compersion that comes from watching your partner dim the lights and strike up a match for this self-proclaimed “well-tipped” pool boy (candle) from Vacation. It captures all summertime bliss of coconut sunscreen, a recently de-leafed swimming pool, and freshly-pressed resort towels into its aroma. In the words of one reviewer named Chuck, “[It’s the] closest thing to time travel. Lighting this candle while listening to PoolSuite FM ignites a sensory experience […] just add a pina colada for maximum enjoyment.”
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Vacation Inc.
Well-Tipped Pool Boy Candle
$34 at Vacation Inc.
$34 at Vacation Inc.
A very horny coffee machine
Waking up on Sunday morning and making a pour over or going to the corner cafe is fun, but if there’s work to be done in the bedroom, why not just set it and forget it? This drip coffee machine is not only seductive and chic, but it makes incredibly good coffee and could not be easier to use. The Moccamaster (which we recently reviewed) is a great present for your coffee-loving partner… but the real gift is what you’ll do with all the time you save from using it.
Moccamaster
Moccamaster KBGV Select
$354.14 at Amazon
$354.14 at Amazon
This clever Japanese kettle
Y’all have probably owned/experienced many kettles and teapots in your long courtship. But have you given yourself over to the ingenious design of Masataka Sugiyama’s stainless steel cube kettle? Not only does it look slick as hell, but the shallow design heats up water faster, and makes for easy fridge storage that iced tea stans will love.
Masataka Sugiyama
Cube Kettle
$57.14 at Amazon
$57.14 at Amazon
A year’s worth of natural wine
Glug glug, Betty. It’s one thing to gift your hunny a really nice bottle, but it’s another entirely to give them the gift of picking up their wine tab for the next year. That’s love. MYSA has a variety of wine subscriptions you can choose from, starting with a one-month subscription of three bottles. Personally, we shall be going all out on their three bottles per month, 12-month subscription, because every vino is so well-curated, comes with tasting videos and food pairing suggestions, and the bottles look cool enough to make us hoard them on our counter, millennial-style.
MYSA
Wine Subscription (3 Bottles/Month for 12 Months)
$1019.40 at MYSA
$1019.40 at MYSA
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They love their dog more than you
You may have been in a relationship for years, but you both know that the only person who’s really receiving any love and attention is your four-legged roommate. Earn some brownie points with both your S.O. and your dog by upgrading their wardrobe. Now that the pooch is swaddled in Versace, they know that you really ~get~ the love hierarchy that’s at work here. They’ll never know it was 58% off.
VERSACE
Black Barocco Robe
$250$105 at SSENSE
$250$105 at SSENSE
This cookware will become a family heirloom
There are Dutch ovens, and then there’s Le Creuset. The French cookware brand has mastered the art of elevating cast iron in the kitchen for nearly a century with cookware that retains and spreads heat evenly, is dishwasher-safe, and is tough as nails. Gift your boo one of the cult brands BIG Dutch ovens—as in, the five-and-a-half quart daddies that could roast an entire extended family of Cornish game hens—and your love will know that you’re in this for the long haul. That, and the Bolognese. If you’re on a smaller budget, don’t sweat it—the brand’s cerise stoneware pie dish is also a flex (fill it with loose change and Ferrero Rocher when you give it to your partner, though).
Le Creuset
Signature Enameled Cast Iron Round Dutch Oven
$420 at Williams Sonoma
$420 at Williams Sonoma
Le Creuset
Stoneware Pie Dish
$55.95 at Amazon
$55.95 at Amazon
So you can keep projecting your issues on them
You spend a lot of time arguing over the Roku remote, so you might as well make the streaming experience home-cinema-worthy. This is one of the top-rated indoor-and-outdoor-proof projectors on Amazon; with thousands of reviews and happy film-nerd customers. “This [screen] is sharp, the lens has minimum distortion and the brightness is very even,” writes one reviewer, “[it] projects a real 300" image, [and even] 4-5 meters away from the screen [it’s] still crisp!! Quality for your money!!” S O L D !
ViewSonic
3800 Lumens SVGA High Brightness Projector
$418.17 at Amazon
$418.17 at Amazon
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On the other hand, you may not be a projector household (fair; that setup takes up space and time). Luckily, the latest smart TV from Amazon is premiering at a ~special~ low price, so your loved one can watch House of the Dragon on a 4K UHD screen that they actually have space for in their railroad apartment.
Amazon Fire
43" Omni Series Smart TV
$409.99$289.99 at Amazon
$409.99$289.99 at Amazon
A great bidet doesn’t have to cost you an ass and a leg…
…But it will definitely make your love feel richer, once the Bellagio-worthy waterworks caress their heinie. It’s definitely not the gift to share with someone who you wouldn’t be comfortable talking about personal hygiene with, but if you’re S.O. are truly in a serious relationship, that love will need to translate to every room in the house—especially the bathroom. We’re bum over noggin’ for Tushy’s classic bidet, because it can be installed in most toilets by complete handiwork cretins in 20 minutes, and gives you a lifetime of backdoor pampering. As one of VICE’s writers said in an honest review of the Tushy Classic, “owning a bidet doesn’t make you better than anyone else—it just brings you closer to god.”
Tushy
Tushy Classic 3.0
$129$99 at Tushy
$129$99 at Tushy
What’s better than a pearl necklace?
… A pearl necklace that hugs their sweet peach. Fleur du Mal is the GOAT of gorgeous lingerie, and its pearl thong is the perfect slightly-impractical-and-very-horny gift that proves y’all are still romantic and nasty.
Fleur Du Mal
Pearl Thong
$245 at Fleur Du Mal
$245 at Fleur Du Mal
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Row their boat
The Ergatta rowing machine is a work of art. Crafted out of cherry wood and powered only by the waters of Poseidon and those sweet, meaty thighs of yours, the fitness apparatus is the kind of aspirational home gym centerpiece we’ve been wanting for ages. It’s a pièce de strength training résistance, working all of your muscles however hard you would like as you get your Oxford-level row on. Or, they can take a casual, virtual trip downstream like a frog on a lily pad [passes joint]. It’s not cheap, but it also comes with a virtual workout screen and complimentary home installation by a professional, so all you have to do is smash that order button and get ready to work those glutes.
Ergatta
Rowing Machine
$2499$1999 at Ergatta
$2499$1999 at Ergatta
Leather opera slippers
Biiig house slipper fans over here. Owning a nice pair of indoor-outdoor shoes is a truly Adult Purchase that will help your partner feel fancy and cozy, especially if you cop them this pair of leather opera slippers with memory foam insoles. Divine [rips bong].
PAMIR
Genuine Leather Opera Slippers with Memory Foam Insole
$57.21 at Amazon
$57.21 at Amazon
They’ve always wanted an Eames lounger
Picture it: Your beloved has just worked out on the Ergatta rowing machine, taken a steamy eucalyptus-infused shower, and slipped into their leather opera slides. The only thing left for them to do is slide into this Eames chair doppelganger, which has a 4.7-star average rating on Amazon, and recite some limericks.
Genniyz
Mid Century Lounge Chair and Ottoman
$629.99 at Amazon
$629.99 at Amazon
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Keep the good stuff on deck
If you and your partner enjoy a nice bottle of wine every now and then, level up your storage situation by picking up a dope wine fridge. Sure, you can keep scouring the floor of the pantry or the back of the refrigerator for a bottle every time the mood strikes, but ask yourself: Is that really sexy? No. What is sexy is having a cold bottle of sparkling ready at all times and knowing exactly where it is.
Wine Enthusiast
Wine Enthusiast 32-Bottle Dual Zone MAX Compressor Wine Cooler
$499 at Wine Enthusiast
$499 at Wine Enthusiast
You know what else rocks? A personal mini fridge for serums, snacks, sex toys (who doesn’t love temperature play?) and whatever else you want to have on-hand in your bedroom.
AstroAI
Mini Fridge
$65.43 at Amazon
$65.43 at Amazon
Post-workout pleasure has never been more cost-effective (see: cheaper)
Just because you’re shopping for gifts for someone you love doesn’t mean you need to break the bank to prove you care. Of course, if you have a cool half a G around, you could hook them up with a Theragun Pro, the Lambo of home massagers…
Therabody
Theragun PRO
$599$480 at Amazon
$599$499 at Theragun
$599$480 at Amazon
$599$499 at Theragun
…But what if you could offer them the same muscle-pounding power for way less? Case in point: the Olsky Handheld Electric Body Massager. This massage gun packs all the punch of a Theragun at a significantly more palatable price tag, without sacrificing any pain pulverizing power. We’ve raved about Olsky’s massager for months now, so there’s little reason for you not to pop this in your shopping cart. You know you’re not a masseuse. Your partner definitely knows you’re not a masseuse. You may not be able to workout the tightness in your partner’s neck or wrists (gearing up for the holidays is hard work!), but you can definitely hold the Olsky for them while they unwind on the couch.
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Olsky
Handheld Electric Body Massager
$39.99 at Amazon
$39.99 at Amazon
When you have words for each other
Being with somebody for a long time is great—you learn a lot about each other, you find things you enjoy doing together, you share some of your deepest fears and dreams. That said, after years and years, sometimes you need a little inspiration for things to do. Once you’ve seen every episode of Law and Order and have done that one weird sex thing that took you 10 years to get to… it’s time to get into Scrabble. Because nothing says “I love you” like beating their goddamn ass with some words that can’t possibly be real (but somehow are).
WS Game Company
Deluxe Scrabble Board
$140 at Food52
$140 at Food52
Swing low
Maybe you and your partner have been inching towards turning your living room into a horny adult playpen, but you don’t have room for a whole pommel horse. That’s cool. Just cop a no-drill, over-the-door sex swing to spice things up; it’s the closest you’ll get to the feeling of having a zero gravity bone sesh, and it’s easy to put away when the local priest pops by for tea.
Bondage Boutique
Soft Over-The-Door Sex Swing
$42.99$30.09 at Lovehoney
$42.99$30.09 at Lovehoney
They’re obsessed with Michael Jordan
What’s better than the IRL Michael Jordan? A poseable, 90s-revived Team USA Jordan that comes with an extra dozen [toots air horn] hands for getting nothing but net, and endless hours of play time with your sweet B-ball nerd. This cult collectible is made by Japan's Medicom Toy company, which has dommed the collectible figurine game since the 90s on a globally coveted scale thanks to their insanely detailed creations. Don’t be surprised if your girl leaves you for him, once that Toy Story moment comes. Can you blame her?
Medicom Toy
Mafex Michael Jordan ‘92 Team USA Figurine
$172$103 at Bodega
$172$103 at Bodega
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The art book to rule all art books
This David Hockney art book by TASCHEN is so beautiful, and so massive, that it literally comes with its own piece of post-modern furniture—designed by the equally impressive Marc Newson—to prop it up (here’s a more bite-sized take, if your budget is $30). Sure, we’ve know that streetwear furniture and home goods can be rare, elusive, and exciting to give (and receive!) but those pieces pale in comparison to this. There are only 9,000 of these tomes in the world, and the scale of the book gives you an unprecedented look into the artist’s 60-year career. It’s the closest you’ll get to sitting poolside for a chat with the legend himself.
Taschen
David Hockney: A Bigger Book (Complete with Stand)
$5500 at Taschen
$5500 at Taschen
The best luxury sex jewelry
Designer Betony Vernon has been crafting award-winning, erotic pieces of jewelry that double as veritable works of very horny art for decades. Normally, you’d probably have to make an appointment at her atelier in Italy to cop a studded silver choker or fluffy tickler ring, but 1stDibs started carrying a sweet selection of her creations. We’re very into this S&M cocktail (we repeat: COCKtail) ring.
Betony Vernon
Double Sphere Cocktail Ring in Sterling Silver
$1438.22 at 1stDibs
$1438.22 at 1stDibs
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Let’s be honest, they want a pair of Apple AirPods Max
Sometimes the best gift for your girlfriend, boyfriend or partner is the sound of silence. Unfortunately, since that’s not something you can easily wrap up and deliver in a box, you could always go with the next best thing: Noise-canceling headphones. Jokes aside, we’ve uncovered several options that are perfect for blocking out background noise while traveling—which is perfect before, during and after the holiday season. That said, it’s hard to top the appeal of Apple’s AirPod Max headphones, which—aside from packing major name recognition—include Active Noise Cancellation and memory foam ear cushions for the perfect fit.
Your partner may be begging for a hot weather vacation this holiday season, and a trip to Mexico may be just the ticket. But why travel like every other schmuck who’s heading to Cabo or Cancun, when you can vacation like a MFing Bondvillain? Located on “a private ranch near Puerto Aventuras,” stay in a private cenote (see: cave) and lock out the world where the hosts “can prepare [a] romantic evening for you and your partner as [a] surprise with your dinner, candles, and Champagne.” If roughing it in a cave is a little too aggro for a romantic getaway, then the nearby tipi (which, yes, has a normal bed and more traditional amenities) is the perfect place to fall asleep to the sounds of the surrounding jungle. Whether you’re planning on affirming your love, or, you know, planning world domination, this could be just thing to have you and your boo rolling into 2023 with a bang.Private Romantic Cave; sleeps up to 2, $100/night on AirbnbCheers to the lucky ghoul who gets your heart during this holiday season. (Hit us up if you book that private cave, we’re down to head underground.) The Rec Room staff independently selected all of the stuff featured in this story. Want more reviews, recommendations, and red-hot deals? Sign up for our newsletter.
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