Entertainment

I Shelter in Place With the Chaos of 'The Real Housewives of New Jersey'

These people are my family now. I quarantine with them.
April 23, 2020, 4:50pm
Teresa Giudice
Screenshot via YouTube 
nervous_recs3
The VICE staff's personally vetted recommendations to help us all survive the very strange time that is coronavirus quarantine.

Nothing makes me feel safer during this time of self-isolation and global chaos than witnessing a brawl at a christening or Teresa Giudice flipping a table. Bravo's The Real Housewives of New Jersey is my nightly escape to a world of cheetah print, “bubbies”, and self-tanner.

In the now-classic reality series, we follow a rotating gaggle of women as they bulldoze through nail salons and McMansions on their way to every child’s birthday party in North Jersey. Are 100% of the small children wearing tracksuits? Yes. Does everyone in the cast wage physical, legal, and psychological warfare on each other? Yes. Would I inject this show into my bloodstream if that meant I could more thoroughly experience Joe Giudice doing a split? Absolutely. These people are a tornado, and they make my life feel comparatively simple! If Melissa can handle performing her debut single “On Display” in front of her sworn enemy/sister-in-law… anything is possible! Life goes on after your husband and brother get into a fist fight at a family retreat! Society will return, but until then, Caroline Manzo’s motivational platitudes will protect me.

RHONJ is consistent. I can count on Theresa calling Melissa a stripper. I can count on Caroline Manzo saying something weirdly sexual about her sons. Joe Gorga will start humping his wife on camera. Joe Guidice will open up another shady business.

I’ve long been a casual fan of the Real Housewives franchise, but my favorite podcast, SUP (Sexy Unique Podcast), has reintroduced me to the beauty of New Jersey once more. I feel safe. I am home.

These people are my family now. I quarantine with them.


The Real Housewives of New Jersey is available to stream on Hulu.