The ‘Love Island’ 2022 Power Ranking: Week Five

It feels like months ago that Coco told Davide her ex left her for a life of celibacy, and in response he said "celibacy? Where's that?" Ah, those were the good old days, back when Casa Amor was still a fun little concept consisting of teen house party dares and petty flirting. Remember that time Billy raised a golden flute in a toast to "sensational people, great vibes and sexy motherfuckers"? That was nice, wasn't it. Now Billy is busy trying to giggle his way between couples and we're in the dark place. Here, there be break-ups, breakdowns and clandestine titty sucking.

Before more fresh hell is unleashed this week, let’s take a moment to reflect on how we got to where we are now. After Casa Amor, consistently one of the most harrowing social experiments to unfold in the public eye, the lay of the land is as follows…

“Hmmm, I'm actually glowing with happiness and find myself naturally caring about a particular girl. I miss her when she’s not around and smile when I think of her, which is as soon as I wake up every morning. Curious. Better make sure this isn’t some sort of temporary disease of the mind by doing things that will definitely upset her and destroy everything we have built so far.” – A huge number of straight men in their twenties, for some reason. 

Jacques, Dami and Andrew have had shockers this week. They all put their relationships to the "test" with the cast of Casa, citing the need to "see, just in case" and "anger" respectively. Obviously this has backfired spectacularly. So far two of them have cried, all of them have slept outside and there has been at least one apology written in lipstick on a sheet of Blitz. Sad to see.

Not since Adam Sandler’s late-90s comedy era have I heard the words "suck" and "tit" so many times in one hour. Indeed, if Adam Sandler were ever to watch the scene of Andrew confessing his suckling sins to Tasha, he'd be falling over himself to cast Andrew in an adaptation of The Waterboy following the exploits of a hapless estate agent in Dubai.

The line "I sucked her tit or whatever" – so awkward, so perfectly humiliated, so bashful, as if to say 'maybe if I shrug it off tonally she won't actually notice what I've said' – will go down as one of the greatest moments in Love Island history. Partly because of his delivery, partly because there is something uniquely cursed about snogging and tit sucking being the only two sex acts a couple can engage in. Very broken-hearted, very “lactation” category on PornHub. 

Fair play to Coco though, she seems like a legend. She came in, flattered and flirted with the most vulnerable man available, and succeeded in stealing him away from what on villa time would be considered a long-term relationship (two and a half weeks). Unfortunately, she's also been used as a sexual object as well as collateral in the ongoing saga of Andrew and Tasha, which is minging. The satisfaction of exposing the mouth-to-boob scandal Andrew was pretending to have forgotten about around the villa, like one of Dominic Cummings' little revenge blogs, is the least she's owed.

Script writers for Hollyoaks must have been salivating with envy when the interaction "We're all heartbreakers" / "Let the best heartbreaker win" went down at the post-Casa recoupling. There are several “will they, won't they” narratives in play at the moment, but none as compelling as Indiyah and Dami. Having both found a new "connection" to "explore" in Casa Amor, they both decided to recouple – Dami with Summer, whose main personality trait seems to be backing herself as a 10/10; Indiyah with Deji, a London king with an immaculate wardrobe and a passion for the Fast and Furious franchise. Both Summer and Deji seem like good craic, so it's a shame to see them cut loose like this, but Indiyah and Dami have a vibe so powerful it created two singletons in the space of a few minutes. What can you do? The heart wants what it wants – until the producers decide to show that footage of Dami having a three-way kiss in bed.

Whose personal multiverse of madness is this?! As if Italian expats and tit sucking weren't enough to rock the villa, one of the most notorious villains in Love Island history has come slithering back like Dirty Den returning from the dead to terrorise Albert Square. I shudder to think where this could go, but I do know that a) bad boy appreciator Paige will be in the firing line and b) there will be discourse. 

The villa is full of big personalities and conflict this year so it's not surprising to see a divide between the main cast and the Casa Amor bombshells, with an invisible fence of hostility separating the two groups like Year 11 and 12 sharing a sixth form common room. Even so, the Casa couples have sacked each other off at a rate that would rival most teenage friendship circles. We began the weekend with four new couples and now there are none. Love Island comes at you fast.

After a solid run as the Main Characters during weeks one through four, Davide and Ekin-Su have taken on more of a supporting role this week. When they're not counselling people through their dramas, they're just going about their business – having a kiss, having a chat, settling into a rhythm the way parents spend every family holiday separately reading their books, getting day drunk and occasionally mumbling "careful…" whenever their kids try to drown each other in the pool.

Like the Crocs of the head, Britain's most enduring trend has finally claimed the villa in a variety of lurid colours. It was only a matter of time.

This pair… madness, I fear. Jacques is a textbook shagger who couldn't articulate a feeling without hostility if it gained him access to a lifeboat on the Titanic. Equally, it does seem like Paige would rather throw around sassy one-liners punctuated with a savage "hunny" than communicate openly. They're clearly drawn to each other but they're already locked in an exhausting cycle of 'bad behaviour, thrill of punishment / pursuit, forgiveness' that, on the outside, would have seen at least one of them pretend to be terminally ill just to win an argument by now. Best of luck to them with this match made in hell.

This man might as well have been wearing a habit and a wimple the way he spent a week sleeping in the open air, practising chastity and praying for Gemma's safe return from war (identical villa across the road). But return she did – single, loyal, and without an ounce of drama since she spent most of her time in Casa Amor being a sound 19-year-old oracle for the problems of those much older than her.

Somehow, this has resulted in Luca becoming more possessive than ever. Yes, Billy is being a snake, but if Luca can't handle some wetter trying to impress Michael Owen's daughter by kicking her bean bag then they won't last two seconds in real life. I don't know what more he wants from her, but it's giving 'medieval king who would have put his daughter in a chastity belt'.

With so much going on, it can be easy for smaller misdemeanours to be forgotten, but it's important to speak truth to power. So let's take a moment to boo this combo of what I can only describe as 'paramilitary swag’ and ‘giant Converse dap'.

@emmaggarland