Going out is hard. It takes money, the ability to consume a near impossible amount of alcohol, and—most tryingly—it takes patience. Patience to wait until a socially acceptable time to go out, patience to stand in the line, patience to get a drink, patience to wait for a good song so you can dance without hating it, everybody else, and yourself, and the patience to find someone that special not-slutty-but-just-slutty-enough someone to go home with.
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If you're lucky, your patience might be rewarded with what we're all seeking: An okay time.Knowing this, you may be surprised to hear that some clubs don't involve patience. You simply don't need it because there's no one competing with you for resources—likely because there's simply no one else there.You could walk right in, purchase a drink without waiting in line, and probably even dance to Rihanna because the DJ is just a dude with an aux chord and a Spotify mix entitled Unquestionable Bangers. This was the utopia I set out to find in my tour of Google and Yelp's worst-rated Auckland clubs. But, boy, did I find a whole lot more.
Lenin
Rating: 3.9 stars Reviews say: "Decent layout and music, can see into the ice bar next door."
Lenin wasn't initially on my list because, even though Lenin has a reputation for being an absolute cesspit, it actually has a pretty solid Google review. However, a (very) friendly lad with massive diamanté studs in his ears eagerly approached us when we walked past on our quest. He offered VIP (read: free) entry, which was simply too good to pass up.
Walking into Lenin was being hit with a wave sweat and sexual frustration. The DJ did let me hang out in the booth, but there was no escaping the fact that Lenin was hotter than hell, and had about the same amount of appeal.
Not only were the bangers far from fresh (i.e. Venga Boys) but heavy petting seemed to be the name of the game. There might be nothing that's as mutually disappointing and uncomfortable as being trapped in another couple's grinding session. It became clear our deal with Dmitri was a deal with the devil.
Longroom is one of those bizarre restaurant-cum-bar-cum-nightclub amalgams, which completely succeeds in its role as the black hole of Ponsonby.
Longroom's flatscreen TVs and proximity to Burger Fuel attracts a healthy combination of wannabe pro-sportsmen, WAGs, and Ponsonby amateurs. But it's Longroom's bouncers who are the absolute worst. I harbour a personal vendetta because they once made me throw out, for no apparent reason, the Pad Thai that I'd literally just bought, and stowed away in my bag for a midnight snack.
Bouncer, on left: "Someone kill me STAT".
Our tour coincided with a big rugby game night. This meant Longroom was essentially just dudes bonding over their masculinity, while bodycon-swathed girls wilted for lack of attention. Nothing; however, could top the d-floor bouncer looking like he really, really wanted to die. Iconic.
Fort St Union
Rating: 3.5 stars Reviews say: "There were cockroaches on the couch where I sat. Food is ok but drinks are expensive."
Fort Street Union is a backpackers bar with heaps of fake shrubbery and very few patrons. In fact, the dance floor was entirely empty. I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for a white guy from the Shore, then I did watching that DJ try to hustle an empty room.The best part was seeing some dude in a duffle coat whisper unprintable nothings into the ear of a girl who not feeling it like AT ALL. Her misery was my misery. In that moment, we were one.
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Snapdragon
Rating: 2.8 stars Reviews say: "This was the worst experience I ever had in my life.""The worse thing was when I asked if they had Bluff oysters, they said yes, and then I asked if they were $3 each, they said yes, I said I'll have those, but when they came out they were definately (sic) NOT Bluff oysters.""Extremely bad, do not go to this place."
If the dismal rating and scathing reviews weren't enough, the fact that Snapdragon had lost the "dragon" from its sign probably should've been a warning. I guess it's just SNAP now. The place had a $5 cover charge but once we got inside, it was pretty unclear what we'd actually paid for.
Somehow, I landed in the midst of a bizarre couple's picture, standing next to the type of guy who would probably think it was hot to whisper into a girl's ear something along the lines of "your mind's saying no but your body is saying yes." Who'd put his hand in the small of your back when you talked to him. This was who one could expect at Snapdragon.
To be fair, the club did try to redeem itself with some serious Bieber-Beyonce back-to-backs but, alas, nothing could save it from what it was: a well-lit abyss.
Forte
Rating: 2.5 stars Reviews say: "The whole experience was like a bad confusing dream… Anyway that time was my first and my last time at Forte because I'm not a desperate 18 year old and why would I bother when the much better Flight Lounge is two steps away."
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Being a 21st century gal and therefore a sucker for anything that exudes exclusivity and glamour, the velvet ropes and red carpet of Forte pretty much had me at hello.
My friends and I were let straight in, mostly because there was literally not a soul trying to get in, but I like to think it's because we looked cool.
There's no other way to describe Forte other than blessings on blessings. People twerked as we walked in, the DJ was playing Chris Brown, and the unisex bathrooms were papered with government-sponsored consent posters. If I were a Yelp reviewer these things would culminate in a solid 4.5 to 5 stars from me. One girl had wrapped a wooly scarf over her ears. There was also a MF giant fan.
All of Forte's patrons assumed almost instantly that I was the club photographer, which gave me a heady rush of power unlike anything I've ever felt before. I was asked multiple times where I would post the pictures. I responded with "the Internet." Everyone nodded knowingly.
As our night came to an end, I gazed around at the club's clientele under the bright fluorescent lights of Burger King. The scene made me realise Auckland clubs aren't so much bad as they are neglected.Auckland's nightlife might feel pretty bleak, or near non-existent, but this is likely because everyone is always at the one or two hot spots of the minute that are hot enough to be seen at.We are the ones being hurt by our impossibly high standards. Sure, there will always be body con dresses, but honestly when are you really going to get the chance to walk the red carpet, if not into the dark depths of Forte?Then again you could just stay home. Yeah, maybe do that.For all of the good times, Beatrice on Twitter
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