Teen Parenting: A Thought Exercise

Did you know that the United States has the highest teen pregnancy rate of any industrialized nation in the world? The CDC estimates that pregnancies from mothers aged fifteen to nineteen account for more than 3 percent of the live births in this country, and unless you’re one of those folks who believe that every pregnancy is a blessing (not me), that’s some pretty scary stuff. But it got me wondering: was I prepared for fatherhood when I was fifteen? Or was I too irresponsible and self-obsessed? In fact, I was so curious that I traveled waaaaaay back to 2004 in a “DeLorean of the Imagination” with a baby in tow, just to find out. Here’s how it went down:

2012 BEN: Hey, 2004 Ben! I’m you from eight years in the future, in 2012. I’ve traveled back in time to give you this baby. You probably don’t know what that is—lord knows I didn’t when I was 15 and the future version of me disrupted my life by doing to me what I’m doing to you right now. But it’s a helpless little person and it needs a lot of care. You’re supposed to take responsibility for all of its needs for the next 18 years, or else it will die.

2004 BEN: Baby? I don’t want to take care of that. Babies are dumb. Am I high right now or something?

2012 BEN: Yes, you are. This is the first time you’ve ever smoked weed and gotten really high. I figured this would be the best time to give you your baby, because your altered mental state is making you so receptive to accepting new information.

2004 BEN: But I’m totally unprepared for any, even the mildest, amount of responsibility! I didn’t ask for a baby!

2012 BEN: No one does—at least not most of the American teenagers who suddenly find themselves with babies. That’s life. Life sucks. This is the beginning of the really shitty part of your life, which starts now and ends when you die. Anyway, here’s your baby.

2004 BEN: I still don’t understand. I’m pretty dumb about stuff right now since I’m a stupid 15-year-old who thinks he really smart (and isn’t, also I’m really high), but if there’s one thing I understand about babies, it’s that they need a father and a mother. So how could this have happened?

2012 BEN: This baby has a mother. It’s your friend’s older sister who gave you an over-the-pants handjob in their basement last fall.

2004 BEN: Over-the-pants handjobs can get you pregnant?!

2012 BEN: Hers can. (We high five.) But seriously, you’ve got to buckle down and start parenting this infant.

2004 BEN: But I don’t know what they eat or when they sleep or anything like that, and though this is the first time I’ve ever gotten high, I was planning to do it way more often—I reiterate that in no way do I resemble a responsible adult. Could I kill this thing with apathy and negligence?

2012 BEN: Yes. That’s a very real danger, 2004 Ben.

2004 BEN: Yikes. I guess I better come up with a name for it. Is it a boy or a girl?

2012 BEN: (Shrugs.)

2004 BEN: Well, what did you name the baby it was given to you, 2012 Ben? I’ll just name mine whatever you call yours.

2012 Ben: I named it “Barf Gutter Pissface Rammstein.”

2004 BEN: That appeals to me, if only because I’m very high.

2012 BEN: …But that was when I was a dumb stoned 15-year old who thought he knew everything, but didn’t. Now I’m in my early 20’s and I actually know everything, so I realize how disrespectful it is to damn someone with a terrible name like that. It’s way too long. Shorten it to “Barf Gut” or “Piss Ram.”

2004 BEN: Done. From now on, this baby’s name is “Piss Ram.”

2012 BEN: Listen, I should really get going—I need to take care of Barf Gutter Pissface Rammstein back in 2012.

2004 BEN: It’s reassuring to hear that this baby will still be alive in eight years. I guess that means I won’t be fatally neglecting it any time soon.

2012 BEN: Oh, I wouldn’t say that. In my time, that thing is on its last legs. Goodbye, 2004 Ben! Goodbye, Piss Ram. I’ll be seeing the 8-year old version of you in a couple of minutes. Or maybe go out drinking instead??

2004 BEN: Don’t go yet! It’s getting wet—it’s crying or peeing or something!

2012 BEN: It does that sometimes. Don’t worry. Eventually, it will dry up. Farewell!

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