The War Report - Titties and Maintenance Fees

Photo by Private Cumquat

Communication from a remote Iraq-themed apartment, scrrrr…

Analog Charlie checking into the War Report at 03:08…

Begin transmission:

The scene was so thick: cat eyes, cocoa nipples, slim waist, and an ugly butt. Sitting on my stoop after just letting shawty out of my complex at the intersection of dick and her ear. I watched her walk away with dents in her ass like an old Chevy; Bitch was #a1perico. When I’m in the presence of greatness, I check for the dimples; they’re like turkey timers… You know the joints on her hip that smile when she stands up? Naw, naw, why you got on Spanx ma? Let that shit breathe.

I had no business getting her up in the trees with me. It was a Viet Cong Coke Dream gone all the ways right. Of course, I snapped a couple photos of her and promptly mass texted the other soldiers on the War Report.

Sergeant Spark-a-lot hit me first: “Yoooooo DONKEY BUTT.”

Then came Private Cumquat: “She purple pur purple pur yurple.” He's a Three Six Mafia fan who likes whip wop heads.

Colonel Dirty Dutch: “I’m busy eating this bird out with a dip in my mouth.”

The Prince of Brooklyn: “Word. You got yourself a heavy bag. Work this shit all winter then terrorize those Chinatown speed bags. Dear Summer, I know you gon’ miss me, but I’ma tear you up like drawstrings and white-tees. #Nike #MakeItCount”

Everyone else checked in the next morning with raving reviews of my new joint. But when I went to work and showed civilians, they were all crunchy in the face like…

Bob: “I don’t know dude, that’s a little much.”

Carl: “She’s alright… she has small tits.”

Tom: “Ehhh, I’m just not an ass guy, but good for you!”

But then they started showing me photos of their recent conquests. All round eyes, all pink nipples, no ass, big tits. What else did these men have in common? PUSSY WHIPPED, locked down, dick in a sailor’s knot type shit. I’ve known about this divide since that white guy in How High told Lark Voorhies to put something over her ass, but I thought we were living in a Post-Ass Parade world! Me and my homies were watching Brianna Love videos and I thought they were reciprocating with Roxy Reynolds and Avena Lee’s fat ass. Is there still a blue light special on ass in 2012?

The answer is a resounding “YES.” Birds with donkeys are still stars in the hood, but you would be surprised how cheap a bubble can be had to the left of Brooklyn. So the next week, I went after this Pacific Rim Jawn with a fat ass AND titties. When I got up in the beef curtains it was obvious this bitch had racked up some miles. I could have put my head up in this joint and it would have been a true 7 5/8ths. She tried to tell me it was genetic, but I think she just got carried away with this whole take-out window thing. As I cracked 59/50 jokes, she finally struck back.

“Are we really doing this right now? We walked instead of taking a cab, we ate in fucking Koreatown, and you live in a 5th floor walk-up. Seriously, you are the brokest mother fucker I’ve let finger me since high school!”

“For real?”

“Have you seen these fucking tits?”

“No, I kinda just looked at your ass and then your face as a courtesy.”

Not only would she not let me smang, but according to her I was the bottom of the barrel. She had dudes taking her out to the Mareas and Tertulias of the world strictly on her titty game. She actually wore Spanx to hide her ass. It made me think, does Ice Cube wear Spanx when he meets with studios to make the next Barber Shop film? Are white people anti-ass? Is there a doctor in the house to sew this girl’s vagina back together? I consulted Sergeant Spark-A-Lot, the only white member of the War Report.

“We are not against ass. We are just pro-titty… And tell that bird to put some cotton balls in the trap. #SoftCell #TaintedLove”

I could get with it cause it’s my stance on kids. I’m not against kids, I’m just pro-NYC Condoms. Slight detour, nothing does a better job of letting a girl know “it’s not that serious” than pulling out an NYC Condom and strapping that shit on. Anyway, I only get 600 words in this column and we’re at 740 right now. The moral of the story is this: Think of girls like condos. Titties carry maintenance fees. You don’t want maintenance fees, and a la carte is a bad deal. Go with the pre fixe: A little titty, a lot of ass, something sweet… $19.95, SOLD. BUSINESS LUNCH, let’s go y'all. THE WAR REPORT: WE IN THERE.

Previously - Carmelo Anthony Is the Knicks' Condom