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16. Denny’s8. Del Taco
9. White Castle5. Dairy Queen
12. Krystal4. Chipotle
13. Manchu Wok6. Five Guys
11. Baskin-Robbins3. Domino’s Pizza
14. Miami Subs7. Church’s Chicken
10. Qdoba2. Pizza Hut
15. Smoothie KingActivity:McDonald’s is hosted by a clown and their only item that isn’t shitted up are the french fries; Denny’s gives you actual silverware, so fuck Denny’s: McDonald’s.In elementary school my mom would take us to Del Taco, and all I remember is the refried beans, how you could almost drink them; White Castle is piss: Del Taco.Krystal is only OK to eat if you’re so drunk you won’t remember anything the next morning besides the smell; Dairy Queen dunks shit in chocolate up to your wrist: DQ.For some reason the first thing I think of when I hear the word Chipotle is a bunch of white senators ejaculating on a window: Manchu Wok.You shouldn’t go to Five Guys unless you plan to do nothing for the rest of the day; you could probably feed a family of five with a bag of medium fries from here: Five Guys.
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16. Kenny Rogers Roasters8. Steak ‘n Shake
9. Boston Market5. Hardee’s
12. Bojangles’4. Papa John’s
13. Moe’s6. Carl’s Jr.
11. Sbarro3. Arby’s
14. Jersey Mike’s7. Zaxby’s
10. Krispy Kreme2. KFC
15. The VarsityActivity:I have probably been saved from blood-alcohol poisoning by Taco Bell at least a baker’s dozen times; Kenny Roger's sings country music: Taco Bell.I have seen a guy puke on a table at Steak ‘n Shake, and the puke stayed on the table until we left; Boston Market’s initials are BM: Boston Market.Hardee’s is where I imagined my body being buried if I had died as an XXL boy in eighth grade; and I don’t even like breakfast, but I would drink a Bojangles' biscuit through an IV. This is a tough one but: Bojangles’.At Moe’s, they yell their name at you when you walk in the door; fuck Moe’s: Papa John’s.Have you ever looked at a nutritional chart for the food at Sbarro? LARD: Sbarro.I can’t think of anything I’d rather ingest less than something made by a guy named Jersey Mike: Arby’s.
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16. Taco Cabana8. Long John Silver’s
9. Jason’s Deli5. Popeyes
12. Nathan’s Famous4. Panera Bread
13. Schlotzsky’s6. Little Caesar’s
11. Captain D’s3. Chick-fil-A
14. Orange Julius7. Jimmy John’s
10. CiCi’s Pizza2. Subway
15. Jamba JuiceActivity:Feeding children the fake smoked-beef beatdown Burger King calls a hamburger is almost as bad as feeding them the chicken puffs here: Taco Cabana.Literally fuck Jason’s Deli; like, build a huge ceramic dick and pound the windows in, just for being founded or whatever by a dude named Jason: Long John Silver’s.There’s a reason shifty-eyed people hang around outside Popeyes like it’s about to cave in: Popeyes.Is all the bread they serve at Panera moist, or is it just my hands crying as I feed myself? Schlotzsky’s hot sauce wins by default: Schlotzsky’s.Little Caesar’s is kind of puke on cardboard, but when that’s what I want, that’s what I want; if Captain D’s actually had a captain at the door greeting you, I’d let them win: Little Caesar’s.At Chick-fil-A, the workers are forced to respond to all requests with “my pleasure” no matter how much of a dick you’re being; plus it’s just delicious: Chick-fil-A.
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16. Charley’s Grilled Subs8. Checkers/Rally’s
9. El Pollo Loco5. Panda Express
12. Firehouse Subs4. Jack In The Box
13. Blimpie6. Whataburger
11. Einstein Bros Bagels3. Sonic
14. A&W7. Quiznos
10. In-N-Out Burger2. Dunkin’ Donuts
15. Mrs. Winner’sActivity:Is this the same Charley I went to high school with who never took off his backpack and always ran through the halls screaming? Wendy’s.El Pollo Loco actually tastes too much like real, decent food to me; NOT COOL, GUYS: Checkers.For some reason, there are always a dozen bros behind the counter at Firehouse, just hanging out, staring at you, like some kind of fast food gang bang waiting to happen: Panda Express.Blimpie makes me think of an astronaut getting a blowjob: Jack In The Box.Bagels? Whataburger.A&W has the float things or whatever, but other than that, do they have food? They probably have food, but at Sonic you can get fried cheese sticks on your shit. I like food you can upgrade: Sonic.I hate how many people have to tell you how good In-N-Out Burger really is. It’s a goddamn fast food hamburger, with slightly better lettuce and tomatoes that are actually red. Don’t tell me how good things are when I’m at a drive-through. On principle: Quiznos.
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8. Del Taco5. Dairy Queen
13. Manchu Wok6. Five Guys
3. Domino’s Pizza7. Church’s
2. Pizza HutActivity:Hmm, chemical burgers marketed toward children or Mexican food?: Del Taco.At Dairy Queen, you get served by juggalos who actually eat the ice cream when they get off work, and Manchu Wok has too many fucking choices. No more choices! DQ.After I eat at Five Guys, I feel like I’ve been stabbed; after Domino’s I feel like I’ve been shat inside of: Five Guys.Pizza is God’s skin: Pizza Hut.BEEF REGION – ROUND 21. Taco Bell
9. Boston Market12. Bojangles’
4. Papa John’s11. Sbarro
3. Arby’s7. Zaxby’s
15. The VarsityI love feeling like I’m shitting the food out at the same time as I’m eating it. No, really: Taco Bell.The face of the founder of Papa John’s makes me want to scalp myself: Bojangles’.To eat at Sbarro, you usually have to be either at an airport or the mall: Arby’s.There are only two The Varsity restaurants that I know of in America; minimalism is not American: Zaxby’s.XXL REGION – ROUND 216. Taco Cabana
8. Long John Silver’s5. Popeyes
13. Schlotzsky’s6. Little Caesar’s
3. Chick-fil-A10. CiCi’s Pizza
2. SubwayWhy do so many fast food restaurants have allusions to penises in their names? Taco Cabana.
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8. Checkers/Rally’s5. Panda Express
4. Jack In The Box6. Whataburger
3. Sonic7. Quiznos
15. Mrs. Winner’sI don’t know why the red in the logo of Checkers reminds me of sweaty porn dudes with facial sunburns getting ready to launch: Wendy’s.I like the Panda Express logo and how everything tastes like salt: Panda Express.Sonic has all them dranks, you know what I mean? Blue dranks and green dranks. And the waitresses wear roller skates: Sonic.We should get all of the CEOs of sandwich-chain corporations in one room and force them to take pictures rubbing one another’s butts; chicken kills sandwich: Mrs. Winner’s.SWEET 168. Del Taco
5. Dairy Queen6. Five Guys
2. Pizza Hut1. Taco Bell
12. Bojangles’3. Arby’s
7. Zaxby’s16. Taco Cabana
5. Popeyes3. Chick-fil-A
10. CiCi’s Pizza1. Wendy’s
5. Panda Express3. Sonic
15. Mrs. Winner’sActivity:DQ crushes Del Taco’s dick in a freezer door; Pizza Hut surrounds Five Guys employees with their cars and turns up Korn until they can’t find the fryer traps; Taco Bell infects Bojangles’ water supply with Fire Sauce and airborne herpes; Arby’s buttbeats Zaxby’s with their unending reams of ass-colored double meat; Taco Cabana can’t stand up from the death sweats you get just driving past a Popeyes; Chick-fil-A CEO Truett Cathy begs God to kill anyone with a rattail, eliminating CiCi’s workforce instantaneously; Wendy’s reopens the nacho/chili/potato buffet they had in the 90s and whops Panda Express in the breasts; Mrs. Winner’s passes out in the grease trap from neglect leaving the refs with no choice but to pat Sonic on the ass.
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2. Pizza Hut1. Taco Bell
3. Arby’s5. Popeyes
3. Chick-fil-A1. Wendy’s
3. SonicActivity:Pizza Hut’s pizza butt squirts all over DQ’s blizzard universe after a street shortage of meth; a sick endurance match ends at last as Taco Bell’s beef boys shit themselves all together at half court and have to be carried off in white rape vans, conceding to Arby’s; the churches donate millions in worship money to pay off the refs so Chick-fil-A can represent the lord’s light everlasting; the thought of what percentage of Americans' bodies are made of Wendy’s brings her competitor to their knees.FINAL 42. Pizza Hut
3. Arby’s3. Chick-fil-A
1. Wendy’sActivity:There’s just something too beautiful about the word Arby’s when it comes to ingesting lard. An Arby seems like a kind of language lard all by itself. Arby’s is a universe, their food is body; while Pizza Hut is merely a doorway: Arby’s.Wendy’s may have cool burgers, but they honestly kind of lost me when they got rid of those self-serve SuperBar stations in the 90s. I’m never getting over that very evident mistake that spit in the face of America’s want to gorge. They may be run by an elderly dickjob, but Chick-fil-A’s food just tastes more like what I want inside my face: Chick-fil-A.CHAMPIONSHIP3. Arby’s
3. Chick-fil-AActivity:Ho, please. Neon orange cheese and au jus dip and white Horsey sauce vats and burgundy glue and milkshakes thicker than your forehead and beef and beef and beef? No contest.WINNER: Arby’sPreviously by Blake Butler - Scot McClanahan's Animal Magnetism@blakebutler
