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Vice Blog

HEY RON? - DRUGS?

I'm done hearing about Charlie Sheen. He's not even that talented. Platoon was a good movie, but Major League was trash and Hot Shots was just dumb. Ferris Bueller's Day Off was also enjoyable, but that had nothing to do with Charlie Sheen. And Two and a Half Men? Garbage. Also, aren't they Mexican? Isn't their last name Estevez? Why does everyone want to be white? Someone needs to answer this question for me.

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Each time I see this dude he looks worse, and I mean on a day-to-day basis. Homeboy is a walking corpse; he should've been dead a long time ago. I've seen lots of people who've done as much drugs as him, but they live in cardboard boxes. They don't have jobs, and they definitely don't get multi-million dollar raises for smoking rock. And the stuff he's saying sounds worse than Mike Tyson's gibberish.

On top of it all, he's got two porn stars raising his kids. Don't get me wrong—I'd break bone with them—but there's no way I'm letting someone like that watch my children. You might as well leave your kid at Michael Jackson's house with a tub of Vaseline. I'm worried about those boys and wouldn't be surprised if they're doing weird stuff with them—like maybe these girls are trying to masturbate his babies. He wants his kids to google him when they get older because he thinks it's cool to smoke eight grams of coke in one hit? Please.

I hope his father or someone steps in soon, because if I was his dad and he talked about me like he has been he would soon learn what it feels like to have five toes up his butthole. This is when the importance of the knuckle game comes to its peak. He would get to feel what a real ass whooping is like.

If I saw Charlie Sheen in person I'd try to rob him, because you know he's got some coke money on him. Hell, I wouldn't be surprised if he shows up in New York looking for a party and drugs. Let me know if you see him and I'll give you some commission after I take his money. Until then, just shut up about it.

RON HEMPHILL

Previously on Hey Ron! THE INTERNET HAS MADE EVERYONE A SOCIOPATH
RONAGEDDON IS NEAR
MY MAN'S GOT A WEIRD DONG