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COLLECTORS TO WATCH

Putin being weird

You may have heard by now about that guy in Ohio who was arrested a few days ago for collecting pee from little kids in a Burger King. Apparently, this guy is a veteran kid-piss collector. Been doing it for years. Gross.

A few years ago he served as the muse for an Ohio law against the unlawful collection of a bodily substance, and now he's probably going to jail because of said law.

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Thing is, there's a ton of other people on the internet who hoard totally weird and gross junk too, without lurking around bathrooms in the BK all secretive-like. These people are out in the open with their fucked-up obsessions, so maybe we should keep an eye on them too.

CONDOM COLLECTION, WITH LUBE

This lady collects all different kinds of condoms. Here we have a tour of her stash, as well as a few packs of lube (flavored and original). Please note the organization of Lifestyles and other brand names around the perimeter of the Isle of Gas Station Condoms in the middle. This woman either has sex a whole lot or not at all. Ever. If I had to guess, I'd guess the latter, so you're probably not going to find her trying to get her rocks off with kids in bathrooms. She's pretty harmless.

Plus, it's not even that weird, as she says in her narration: "I know this is hella random… but, you know, some people collect rocks, what the fuck is the point of that?" Indeed.

There's also this guy, who sells his used condoms for five dollars.

WANG COLLECTION

We've actually been over this one before, but in case you're unfamiliar, this guy lives near the arctic circle where he has a collection of cocks out the ass. All of them are really well-preserved and nicely labeled with the size and animal they came from. Right now all of the dicks are from animals, but a 95-year-old fascist promised to donate his penis to the collection when he dies.

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I'd say this guy has a pretty decent shot at getting involved with some more than questionable activities in a public restroom. We should probably keep our eyes on him.

MENSTRUAL COLLECTION

When I was scouring the nether regions of the internet to find this list, I typed in "period blood collection" on a whim, and I'll be goddamned if there isn't some guy in Maryland who runs a museum dedicated to menstruation.

The period connoisseur with his little dress made out of menstrual cups

Aside from the dress, pictured above, the collector has a bunch of mannequins that he outfits with Maxi-Pads, menstrual belts, and tampons. I'm still unclear on where the tampon goes on the mannequin. Do they make ones with holes in them?

This man will undoubtedly be the subject of a horrifying docudrama about the series of grisly tampon gaggings and Maxi-Pad smothering murders that took place in his "museum."

ECSTASY COLLECTION
Some guy had an ecstasy collection two thousand pills strong stolen from him last year. The man said he didn't like taking the pills, but just liked "the colors, shapes, and logos." He had been collecting them for about 20 years.

This guy's harmless. Collecting ecstasy is such a dumb thing to do.

GROSS JAR

Remember the Gross Jar? We used to collect all sorts of fucked-up stuff in that thing. Radioactive cat shit, jizz, scabs, chicken blood, rotting rats, shit, flu spit, piss, dead baby birds, human teeth, lamprey eels, and a bunch of other undesirable stuff. We collected that junk for months at a time, and when the glass jar began to melt from the toxicity of its contents, we'd start another one.

Yeah, yeah, this was pretty weird and all, but it was always done more in the spirit of scientific research and experimentation than anything else. We don't need to be watched like the sex criminals above. Leave our collections alone, please.

JONATHAN SMITH