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This Week in Canadian Crime: Bush Party Madness, Pig Thieving, and Mountie Trashing

Every week in this beloved country, police respond to some stupid hoser shit.
June 24, 2015, 4:47pm

Photo via Flickr user juliaklarman

Every week, police divisions across Canada have to deal with spectacular calls. Here's a quick roundup of some crime from around the country over the past week (or two):

Ontario
Kids out in Peterborough, Ontario, really know how to throw a rager because when the local OPP showed up to the Mallard Drive and O'Connor Drive area just before 2 AM on June 14, they found over 100 intoxicated partiers driving through fields and "numerous intoxicated youths lying on the roadway." An 18-year-old has since been charged with assault from one of the number of fights that broke out during the party. For more on how to throw a proper field/bush party, read here.

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Manitoba
There's either not a lot to do in Niverville, Manitoba, or students are particularly unhappy with their teachers, because some people decided to hit up a local high school at 2:30 AM on June 13 and smash not one, not two, but 29 windows. They also fucked up two school buses. When the cops arrived, they arrested two guys, a 26-year-old and a 16-year-old. Police could not confirm why a 26-year-old was hanging out with a 16-year-old anyway.

Saskatchewan
Most people's reactions to emails with poor grammar that claim to be from billionaire African princes going through rough patches and needing a few thousand dollars from you, which they will pay back 20-fold as soon as they get out of jail or whatever, is to send it straight to the trash. But not for someone in Moose Jaw, Sask., where the cops got a call the morning of June 21 because someone had "accepted job and payment through Nigerian Scam." No word on how much money the person got screwed out of or how often they click on popups that tell them their computer is infected.

Saskatchewan (really?)
Whining to your friends, smashing out a long-winded Facebook rant, or sending out a flurry of rage-induced Tweets are all proper ways of dealing with being offended by something. But apparently enough people in Saskatoon think calling the cops is the way to go, because local police had to put out a notice asking everyone to stop calling in about the anti-abortion pamphlets being handed out in the city since there's nothing criminal about them.

Ontario (again)
How many pigs do you think you could steal? One? Two? Ten? Well, that'd rank you as an amateur in the porker-stealing league, because the OPP in Norfolk County, Ontario are investigating the theft of about 500 pigs from a local farm—that's around $90,000 worth of swine. The owner, who raises "several thousand animals," called the cops on June 19 after he or she noticed that a bunch of animals had gone missing since April 21. Who even has the time to steal 500 pigs over three months, anyway? Where would you even keep them all? Does black market bacon really taste better? (Probably.)

New Brunswick
Some dude in St. George, New Brunswick thought it was a good idea to break into an RCMP office in the early morning of June 17 and smash most of the windows along with damaging police equipment and vehicles. Now, destroying police property is already a pretty stupid idea, but this guy decided to take it to the next level by deciding to pull this just off 10 minutes after the cops had cleared out for the day. Of course, someone called in and a 27-year-old man was arrested just outside the detachment. Pro tip: if you're feeling like smashing shit up, try to not target a goddamn police station. And if a police station is your only option, maybe hang out for a bit longer so the cops are a little less than a U-turn away.

Ontario (Really, Ontario?)
The OPP were called to a house in Elliot Lake, Ontario on June 10 about the theft of some family heirlooms the day before. And these beloved heirlooms turned out to be… garden gnomes, stolen straight from the front yard. This family had a goddamn pair of garden gnomes listed as a family heirloom, specifically a pair with "red hats, bright green jackets, dark green pants, grey beards and in a standing position." The colours are also super faded, so if you spot a vibrant pair of garden gnomes, you've got the wrong two.

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