Screen grab from Foo Fighters' "Learn to Fly."
There are a lot of perks to being a flight attendant, but dealing with passengers' drunk asses isn't one of them. There are only so many ways to convince wasted passengers to clean up their own piss, stop puking in the seatback pocket, or refrain from rubbing one out during the safety demonstration.
We talked to some flight attendants about the drunkest passengers they've ever had to deal with—and after you read this, you might want to wear a hazmat suit on your next flight.
A drunk man stumbled onto the airplane during boarding, fell over, and tried to play it off like he'd just tripped. After the door was closed, he started to loudly interact with other people and tried to order more drinks. Eventually, he got up to go to the bathroom. The line was long, so on the way back to his seat, he decided to try and pee into a plastic cup instead. In the middle of the aisle. Unsurprisingly, he missed and ended up peeing on some poor passengers. We made an unplanned landing; the guy was arrested for intoxication and assault, the plane was taken out of service for cleaning, and the passengers were rebooked on other flights. - Talia
Live XXX In-Flight Entertainment
I was working a flight from Vegas to Newark. In first class, a man and a woman— clearly both drunk from the night before—were seated next to each other. They were strangers when they boarded, but they were flirting up a storm. Soon, they were making out, going to the bathroom every five minutes, and coming out looking super strung out. Then the woman pulled out her laptop and started playing a loud video of her having sex while the dude started jacking off under a blanket. I told them to cut it out, and the woman stormed off to the bathroom. After 20 minutes, I noticed a puddle of liquid coming out of the bathroom—the woman had fallen over and pissed on the floor. I made her clean up, alerted Newark's gate security, and we had a biohazard team clean the first class area because it smelled so bad. - Steffanie
This past Memorial Day, there was a woman on my flight from Denver to Dallas. She was in first class where passengers receive free food and drinks, and she capitalized on this policy by trying to order six screwdrivers over the course of this 90-minute flight. When she started slurring her words, I told her we were running low on vodka. She protested loudly and told me she was going to "have my job," and that being in first class entitled her to have as many drinks as she wanted. I called the pilots and asked them to have a supervisor meet us when our plane arrived at the gate. - Stephanie
It was a Sunday evening flight from San Juan to Charlotte, North Carolina, and most of the passengers were sunburnt tourists—among them a red-faced man who'd clearly had a few drinks before boarding. He was seated with his wife in coach, at the back of the plane a few seats away from the bathroom. He kept ordering Bloody Marys, which he'd supplement with duty-free vodka he bought at the San Juan airport. I told him outside liquor was not allowed on the plane. He put it away and rolled his eyes at me. About halfway through the flight, he got up to use the bathroom. After 30 minutes, I knocked to ask if he was okay, and he yelled loud enough for most of the back of the plane could hear, "I'm trying to take a shit!"
When he got back, he loudly complained to his wife about how rude I was, using the call button to summon me so he could berate me: "You humiliated me! I'm constipated and you let everyone know! There's no time limit on the bathroom!" When the plane landed in Charlotte, a woman sitting in front of him blocked his path, grabbed his wrist, and said, "I see you're wearing a 'What Would Jesus Do' bracelet. I just wanted to say that I don't think Jesus would be very happy about any of the things you pulled on this flight today." - Catherine
A young kid dressed in Army camo was boarding my flight; he was being deployed and was clearly terrified, and he'd spent his last night as a civilian getting fucked up with his friends. He was still very drunk by the time he stumbled on the plane, and unfortunately for him, our captain that day was a senior, very badass former fighter pilot who was not happy to see a drunken man in uniform. He grabbed this kid by the shirt, pulled him off the plane into the gate, and proceeded to yell at him. The poor kid quickly sobered up and spent the rest of the flight sitting straight at attention. - Lucy