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I Interviewed a Homeless Guy About Sex

Don't tell me you've never wondered about it.

Christer and his cinnamon bun-eating friend, who wishes to remain anonymous. As a 21-year-old, several questions run through my mind on constant repeat and they mostly concern sex. Lately, a large percentage of this brain activity has concerned the sex lives of the homeless. I see these guys hanging around the streets every day, and can't help but wonder: How do they do it? Who do they do it with? Do they even do it? I mean, they must definitely want to do it – but how can that be possible without getting arrested? In the end my curiosity got the better of me, so I approached Christer, who seems to spend most of his time behind the tube station at Medborgarplatsen in Stockholm. I bought him a cup of coffee and some cookies, but not drugs (he's addicted to all three), and asked him to enlighten me. VICE: Tell me about the best sex of your life.
Christer: Oh Jesus! Let me think… Well, it must have been a couple of years ago. I had some methamphetamine that lasted from Friday to Sunday. I hooked up with a nice girl and that lasted from Friday to Sunday, too. What was so special about that?
Have you ever had sex on methamphetamine? Can't say I have.
Well, it's very strong, so you have to know what you're doing. It's important to drink a lot of water, so you don't get dehydrated. It's a completely different world. I become this soft, nice, mellow and horny guy. You should definitely try it. Actually, I don't think I will. Is it easy to meet women being in your situation?
It used to be. Now I'm older and I've lost some of my teeth. When I was younger I used to get a lot of girls. I'm kind of a flirty guy. I wish there was a place where you could meet women and hook up just for fun. But it's kind of a taboo in Sweden. Maybe it's easier in other countries? I don't know, I've never had sex sober, when I've been abroad. I don't know if I currently want a relationship. I'm kind of old now and I don't want any strings attached. Anyway, we can't bring any ladies to our rooms at the homeless shelter. The rules are pretty strict. What's the best state to be in when you're having sex? Sober, drunk or high?
There's so many different types of euphoria, you know. I like it when I'm drunk or high. That's when I'm not in such a hurry and can do what I have to do, if you know what I mean. It's important for me that the woman comes before me. I'm a gentleman. What are your best moves?
Well, I like to talk dirty in bed. Not everybody appreciates that, but it usually works. But sometimes it doesn't. Has anyone complained?
Well, I have to watch my mouth so I don't cross the line. It happens very easy. Some women might get offended, you know. Oh well. You currently have a bed, but when you don't, what do you do when you need to masturbate?
You just close the door [laughs]. You can't do it in public, of course. You have to hide in some alley or something. Bushes are good too. When you feel like it, just do it, I say. I sure will!


Follow Emma on Twitter: @arpstrand

More meditations on the homeless condition:

The Day We Took Charge of an Army of Homeless Guys High on 2C-B

Hobo Hunt Is Apalling

How to Best Handle Being a Homeless Person

The Many Hats of Ion Barladeanu