I read somewhere that the Pope has described The Twilight Saga: New Moon, and its sacrilegious themes, as being too esoteric for the general public. He reckons the film will only be seen by a small number of people with a specialised knowledge of vampires and werewolves. Ha ha, will it fuck. Its fans are as much academics as they are boys.
By the time we arrived, most of the kids had drunk their free New Moon pop and were inside the auditorium. The sun was getting low, R-Patz had failed to show and Leicester Square had become miserable. It felt pretty good to find these chirpy West End girls.They didn't have tickets, but had pretty comprehensive selections of merch. They also had lots of Bic tats. Here's a PG-rated one.
The other one (which the girl refused to show us) was written on her undeveloped womb and said: "I want your vampire babies". Twilight fans, it transpires, want to be bitten or impregnated by vampires.They were all 12 except for the one on the right who, at 13, was embarrassingly over the hill. When I asked about their parents, the middle two implied they'd come from broken homes, but the girl on the far left had brought her mum.
This fake-tanned Toby Jug is a Twilight mum. Twilight mum bought the books and made her daughter, Phoebe, read all four by her 12th birthday. Turns out she is a filmmaker heading to Forks (where the film is set) to make a documentary "about the fans, for the fans". She just needed some funding. I wished her the best.
Carpe Diem is the official fizzy-pop of the quasi-dead. It smelled of fermented tea, which, I'm told, isn't that dissimilar to the smell of vampire sex. It's the details that really make an event.
We found Twilight mum and Phoebe, fresh from the screening. They really loved the film.
This girl was cool enough to come with her mate, not her mum. But not cool enough to leave the metal at home. I asked her if she wished they were fangs. I asked her whether she got popcorn stuck in between them. I asked her if she thought Edward would mind kissing her with wire on her teeth. She just giggled, the little minx.
Just as I was starting to feel pretty bad for the girl with the braces, this guy popped up. He hadn't heard of New Moon but said he preferred werewolves to vampires "for personal reasons".
This security man was a bit of a hater. He told me he had better things to do than watch teenage boys take off their tops on-screen. Nothing, I agreed, beats the real thing.
These hotties used to be on Team Edward (the hot vampire) but now they were on Team Jacob (the hot werewolf). Apparently you have to pick a side. Fickle bitches.
Meet George. He's 20. He smokes rollies. He works in "the industry" (that's music) and he's pretty humourless. He said the main character Bella looked like his little sister. We made him admit he sort of fancied her anyway.
I wish I had been more like this chick when I was 15. She's really cute and snide and she carries merchandise like it's a weapon. Her t-shirt was a fake but she "couldn't give a fuck if I'm funding the black market".
It looks like this guy is making me touch him. He is in fact telling me that Bella becomes a vampire in the fourth film. Plot-spoiling is a big issue in my book. So, as I was annoyed someone told me what happened, I'm now telling you.
WORDS: MORWENNA FERRIER
PHOTOGRAPHY: KATHERINE ROSE

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PHOTOGRAPHY: KATHERINE ROSE