MEET THE NIERATKOS - MY TOES HAS A KIDNEY PROBLEM

New Year's resolutions are gaywad. I've never made any until this year and wouldn't you know it, the first time I do my New Year's resolution bit me on the ass.

I was hoping to tell you all about my weekend in LA finishing up my porn shoot for the soon-to-be-aired Epicly Later'd-ish porno show on director/harlot/dancer Kimberly Kane. I was going to tell you how I sat and watched her hide an Italian sausage in the spot that makes poop while I sat, legs crossed, eating a slice of pizza. And how in the middle of it she stopped screaming, "Ungh, ungh, yeah, ungh," and said, "Hey, Chris. Can you go grab me a bottle of water?" And before I could say yes she went back to what/who she was doing. We had all sorts of adventures and her girlfriend, Avy Scott (pictured with me and Kim Kane) totally wanted my wang. I knew this to be true by the way she said, "Excuse me. You're blocking the television." I'm no scientist but I can read between the lines. I had every intention of giving you the scoop on all the naughtiness I endured to make this soon-to-be-Emmy-award-winning internet TV show and then I found out I might have some kidney disease. Well, not me. My toe.

One of my

New Years resolutions

was to get this toe fungus I got in college, 30 years ago, fixed. Another was to stop biting my nails and I have been doing wonderful with that. I may even need a pedicure for my fingers soon. But the toenail has been a nightmare. I went to the laughing doctor on

The Simpsons

and he kept laughing and calling me "Man" like an old hippy. He put me on Lamisil for 90 days. But first he sent me for blood work. The blood work revealed that I have elevated kidney and liver levels. He laughed and thought it was a false positive, man. Can something as accurate as blood tests give false positives? So he sends me for another round of blood tests and again my levels are high. He laughs and says, "It could be nothing or it could be kidney disease, man." HAHAHAHA. God, that's funny. And yet he tells me to go ahead and start taking the medicine. As I took the first dose all I could think was A) the toe wasn't bothering anyone. I should have just left the damn thing alone. B) I'm the only one on earth that could have this happen to them: I go to a foot doctor for toe fungus and leave with kidney disease. To sweeten things he laughs and says, "Make sure you don't drink alcohol on this medicine. It really attacks the liver." Sure, MAN. You don't think telling me I may have kidney disease won't drive me to drink? I've been drinking every day for nearly 20 years. The chance that I can make it through a 90-day cycle of Lamisil without alcohol was not happening. I made it two days before I had a drink. Then the Jets lost and I had a lot of drinks. Then the other day I made an entire bottle of wine disappear (not the way Kimberly Kane would) and now I'm laid up in bed with pains in my back and wherever your liver is supposed to be. I called Dr. Hibbert and he laughed. Then he told me I should stop taking the Lamisil immediately, man. If I ever make another New Years resolution it will be to resolve to continue not doing something I already do not do, like hang-gliding or caring about voodoo islands.

SIDENOTE: My friend/pro skater, Zered Bassett, had an art show/bowl jam last Saturday in Mt. Vernon, NJ using photos he took on our mission to Cuba. Here's the video:

CHRIS NIERATKO (For more stupid go to

Chrisnieratko.com

)