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Vice Blog

EIGHT FACTS ABOUT LONDON FASHION WEEK

That girl designs all the Marc by Marc Jacobs bags and hair boggles and is now designing all of Victoria Beckham's bags too!

The fashion crowd are easily amused.
The above picture, of the cream of the global fashion crop GUFFAWING, was taken after the girl on the left said, "Show them your dice Henry!" Get it? Because those furry dice he's holding vaguely resemble balls. Imagine if these guys watched an episode of Will & Grace or something. They'd probably implode.

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Fashion people really are as bad as you think.
A friend of mine was hired to hand out fliers at the entrance to the main tents at Somerset House. At one point, a woman passed by carrying a bag. My friend tried to give her a flier, and she turned and yelled, "CAN YOU NOT SEE MY HANDS ARE FULL?! I DO NOT WANT ONE OF YOUR FLIERS!!!" She also said that more than one person laughed in her face.

Downing Champagne is the worst feeling In the world.
I'm pretty sure this is precisely why Champagne became the fashion drink of choice. Free Champagne is generally only available for about one minute before a show starts, which means having to chug as much as you can. This leads to a sensation similar to being raped while on fire, while simultaneously realizing what RuptureFarms1029 are making their products out of.

Primordial dwarf dressed as Twilight is gonna be a big look this year.
The people who decide what looks good really have no idea what looks good. They have these pictures around fashion ground zero to showcase the best of British fashion.

Fashion bloggers are easy to impress.
"Oh, this old thing? Basically, I'm trying this new look where I wear as much clichéd, edgy Party Monster bullshit as I can find. I'm hoping to create a look that was last considered shocking in North Korea, circa 1955. I'm trying to make a statement about how safe fashion has gotten. My mutilated Barbie necklace? I made it myself!"

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Fashion = waiting.
What you don't see when you read about Fashion Week is that every single action has some kind of epic wait before it. Other than about a third of the people in the front row, everyone else has had to wait outside for about an hour, then inside for another 30 minutes for the show to start.

Photographing fashion shows is FUCKING BOOOOOOOORING.
The person who took that picture? They've been waiting in the same spot at the end of the runway since 7am. Now if you'll excuse me, I'm gonna claim my photo spot for Vivienne Westwood A/W 2014.

After all that waiting, you get nothing. Just a bunch of girls walking back and forth across a room to "Dancing With Myself," by The Donnas (I swear to God that was actually playing at a show I was at today). Awesome. I wish that just once, someone would America's Next Top Model it up a little and throw some obstacles on there, or something.

Everyone is famous at London Fashion Week. New York Fashion Week gets SJP, Anna Wintour and the Olsens. We get the girl from The Noisettes, Jamelia (Javine? I only just realized they're not the same person), Kanye West's ex-girlfriend, and, if Paloma Faith would move, someone from Destiny's Child who isn't Beyonce.

Also, I have never seen people lose their shit as hard as the paparazzi did when Brigitte Nielsen (pictured above with the eastern European teen whose youth she is feeding on) walked in to the room. Come on guys! No one is going to want to buy a picture of her. You can remain calm. You're embarrassing your country.

JAMIE LEE CURTIS TAETE