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DEAR VICE - THE RICHEST BUM IN SWEDEN

Dear Vice,
One night in October me and some friends got ourselves kicked out of a party. On the way to the next one we went for hotdogs. In front of us in the line was this tiny, homeless lady. Her jacket was rugged, her shoes had been worn for a decade, as had her pants. Suddenly some asshole at the back of the line started yelling stuff like, "What a little shitty lady!" …

The little lady was just ordering, but she stepped out of line and went off crying. One of my friends went over to her to check that she was alright. He asked if she was crying because the jock called her a shitty lady. "No," the women answered.

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Buddy: "Then why are you crying?"
Bag lady: "He wouldn't accept my money!"
Buddy: "Why not?"
Bag lady: "Because there's shit on it."
Buddy: "Why is there shit on your bill?"
Bag lady: "Because I wiped myself with it!"

The lady then pulled out a SEK500 bill (€50) with shit on it. At this point I felt a need to step in too. I went over to my buddy and to my surprise she (my friend) had started a dialogue with this woman about how to wipe yourself with leafs and other papery things, but never ever with money!

I saw her nodding and then she started crying again. We asked if she was hungry and if she wanted a hotdog, and she screamed at us for a while about being a vegetarian. After a while she calmed down and said that a spring roll would be just fine.

We ordered her a spring roll and decided to leave, but as we were walking away the homeless lady pulled out her wallet because she wanted to get some change, and when she opened it I saw a huge roll of 500 bills, all covered in shit.

JESPER EDVINSSON