Throughout kidhood, I had several phases of being scared of ridiculous things, but the one that stands out the most was Gremlins 2: The New Batch, in theaters, when I was only four years old. I can still remember almost every horrible feeling for the two years after I first saw it. Thinking about those fucking creatures, especially that gremlin bride, makes me dry-heave even though it’s been 18 years since I last saw it. I have my aunt (who’s not even my real aunt but my mom’s friend), who thought it would be a cute movie about fluffy little Gizmo that would be "juuust darling" for a toddler, to thank. Starting on that fateful day in 1989, I would scream at my parents whenever they left out glasses of water or boiled water or did anything involving water because I knew those assholes were gonna come get me as soon as my folks went to bed. So I decided to revisit my nightmares the other day, except this time I got stoned out of my gourd beforehand. Keep reading for the play-by-play…Oooh, fuck. The movie hasn’t even started, it’s on the menu screen and the theme is playing over and over, and I’m fluttery-stomach scared. Almost every scene in this thing is really bizarre, in a cheesy way, but kids don’t have cheese-meters! Instead it just gives them the creeps.But little Gizmo is suuuch a cutie-pie. He’s doing his little rock-and-roll dance, and it’s melting my heart all over again. And then… SHIT. Gizmo just got wet!!! Oh God, oh God, now those sticky cocoon-like things are starting to pulsate like tumors with personalities and I’m grossed the hell out. That goo haunts me for a second, the huge claw takes Gizmo, and mild hyperventilation ensues. I hope I don't need a paper bag because the only ones I have are plastic, but I might want to suffocate myself before this over so maybe it’s a good thing?I’m thinking maybe I can make it through the whole movie without a big fear moment. But then I start worrying when the gremlins are growing tomatoes out of their fucking skins. And then the other one starts talking like a human! These things can do anything! They know science, can fly, destroy super-modern buildings, teleport, take over the movie itself, and oh fuck Jesus, Mary, and Joseph… now the female gremlin has made her first appearance. She’s HERE. But at least she’s not in her wedding dress, no, she’s just in her green wig and purple tiger print dress and tacky make-up, because she’s a gremlin slut. I start wringing my hands and am literally on the edge of my seat.Oh no. Now the gremlins have started this whole series of musical numbers, and she’s BACK. She’s being whore-y again, so I’m almost over it. And then, when I think I can make it, there’s THE BRIDE. I am screaming by myself and am feeling four years old again, near tears, because she is so gross and the last thing you see in the entire movie are her disgusting red lips coming to get you and it’s truly haunting.I start wondering whether there was even a female gremlin in the first one. And then I figure it out! Gremlins 2 freaks me out because I never saw the first one. I wasn’t even alive. I can never understand where the monsters come from, or why they’re so damn mean, so I’ll always wonder "Why, why, why?!" Or maybe it’s because crazy fake aunts shouldn’t take four year old girls to see supposedly funny horror movies? The point is, I never want to see any of these movies ever again. Twice is enough, but thanks, Joe Dante, (Is that even a real name?) for using your sequel-cum-parody-of-sequels to scar my psyche forever. Thanks a lot.PHOEBE CAKES
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