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The Fashion Issue 2009

Vice Office Poll

Vice: What are the key deal breakers when it comes to men's clothes?Alison: Shit trainers.Tell me more.I hate it when they do the laces up in bows, I want to kill myself.What? How else can you do them? Any brands in...

Vice: What are the key deal breakers when it comes to men’s clothes?

Alison:

Shit trainers.

Tell me more.

I hate it when they do the laces up in bows, I want to kill myself.

What? How else can you do them? Any brands in particular you dislike?

You know, like ones people don’t pay too much for, ones you can from Asda or Hi-Tec or whatever.

OK, so expensive ones are OK? Are you Damon Dash in disguise or something?

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No, it’s not that. I don’t mind the ones that are five quid from Brick Lane or whatever.

What about clothes or “looks” that offend you?

I hate quite a lot of stuff.

I know, try me.

OK, well, I hate t-shirts with ties. DIE, DIE, DIE! And I hate ironic t-shirts, like “Enjoy Cocaine” instead of “Enjoy Coca-Cola”. I hate those. You’re not cool. Go home.

And what would a guy wear to make you go funny at the knees?

That’s the worst question in the world.

Vice: So, if a guy wanted to make you throw up, what would he wear?

Alice:

I think the things that really “trendy” guys wear just makes them look way too self-centred, or gay. I also think those moustaches that lots of guys have these days are repulsive. You know, the ones that you have to wax to curve up at the ends?

What about footwear?

I hate those pointy leather brogues that some men wear. My dad wore them to work in the 80s. It’s so wrong that guys wear them. Guys should wear sneaker-type shoes.

What about upper-body clothing?

Nice t-shirts. No denim on the upper body, just nice cardigans and sweaters.

What is a really good look on young men these days?

When I was single I would always check out a guy’s taste in footwear before anything else. Otherwise the look I like is really standard and simple: jeans and a nice t-shirt, shirt, sweater, nothing too painfully attention-seeking. Men need to be men and not care too much about how they look.

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Vice: What clothes do guys love that you think look shite that they think they look mint in?

Julie:

Really skinny jeans are gross.

Why?

Because most boys don’t have the physique for them. Very few can pull them off. You see all these young guys with short legs and fat asses trotting around looking like Shetland ponies. On tall and skinny guys it is kind of OK.

So is it OK if they are skinny?

Well, straight jeans, sure. But a boy in a pair of Cheap Mondays doesn’t do it for me.

Any other items a no-go?

I’m thinking I hate DMs. Hate them—on girls and boys

Vice: So, what looks or items do boys wear that you think looks terrible?

Hollie:

Guys with fat legs wearing skinny jeans, but then again, guys with the skinniest legs ever wearing skinny jeans is also terrible—a bit of a contradiction, I realise.

What about something other than skinny jeans? You were beaten to that one by Julie

.

Erm, can I bring up hairstyles?

Sure.

Well then, guys that look like they spent more hours than me styling their hair. And dying it as well. What’s that all about? Leave it alone, for fuck’s sake.

Vice: What stuff that guys wear is grim?

Kylie:

Bad shoes, overly styled hair, like with loads of gel. I hate baggy, gross or flared jeans. Deep V t-shirts. Oh, and I really detest comic boxers.

What are comic boxers?

Like boxer shorts with comic-book prints on them, novelty boxers.

Can boys wear accessories

?

Some rings are OK.

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No brooches or bangles?

No, I guess like a small silver chain maybe would be OK. Wooden jewellery sucks, two-year-old festival wristbands are bad too. Who gives a shit what band you watched in a field?

Vice: What clothes do men wear that make you want to cry?

Kristen:

Men with hips and things in skinny jeans: number one gross.

What else?

Ironic band tees. Like people that wear Le Tigre tees, either to pull dyke-y bi-girls or to show how fucking cool they are with their girl side. Actually, that said, I don’t mind much else. Oh wait, flat caps.

What’s up with flat caps?

They are predominantly worn by the prematurely balding, so even if you have hair, the assumption is that underneath that scratchy, grey bit of cloth, you are shiny, shiny, shiny.

A

nd if a guy were to dress so well that you couldn’t help but jump on him, what would he wear?

If you had asked me when I was 16 I would have said dress like Dave Navarro, black eyeliner and all. Now I kind of fancy the American low-key rock look.