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SHOWBUSINESS, BABY!

Hey, It’s the Donald Trump/Piers Morgan Interview Drinking Game!

This will make it fun, right?

by VICE Staff

January 28, 2018, 12:01pm

Photo: @piersmorgan

Piers Morgan and Donald Trump are going to be in the same room tonight, talking, for an interview on ITV, and you know how it’s going to go: Piers Morgan is going to do "hearty talk-over-you banter voice", then "earnest well actually voice", then sign off laughing to the camera at a joke nobody actually made, and then they are both going to go on Twitter and say how good an interview it was.

By that I mean Piers Morgan is going to bodily insert himself – nose then face then skull then neck – into the anal passage of Donald President Trump, then just start making kissing noises and licking around a bit. If you want to make a fun game of that, drink whenever any of the following things happen and see how hammered you get by the end. Clue: yr gonna get very hammered.

TRUMP LAUGHS LIKE A LION GROWLING AT A CAT

I don’t personally recall ever seeing Donald Trump laugh, but I feel like, seeing as this is some ornate press stunt to make him look appealable and human to the UK audience, he might at least attempt some chummy banter with Piers Morgan, which will involve something like PM saying: "I’m joined by President Donald Trump… and you look so healthy and tan!" and Donald Trump will expose all his fake white teeth and instead of laughing just make this long sort of guttural near-zombie noise, like this: hurrrrrr!(DRINK)

HAND STUFF

I’m afraid if, mid-interview, Piers Morgan takes off his blazer and rolls up his shirt sleeve and starts to masturbate the President, deliberately and with great care, if Piers Morgan starts literally wanking Donald Trump off, you have to (SINK YOUR DRINK)

PIERS MORGAN DOES A NERVOUS LAUGH LIKE A BOARDING SCHOOL BOY WHO HAS JUST NOW EARNED THE CALM RESPECT OF THE BOYS IN THE YEAR ABOVE THEM – MAINLY BY GIVING THEM ALL CRISP FIVE POUND NOTES NOT TO PUNCH HIM, AND INVITES TO HIS 13TH BIRTHDAY PARTY – BUT IS STILL VERY AFRAID THEY MIGHT SUDDENLY LUNGE AND PUMMEL HIM AND STEAL HIS MEGADRIVE CARTRIDGE OF 'MORTAL KOMBAT II'

(DRINK)

PIERS MORGAN SAYS "I UNDERSTAND WHERE YOU’RE COMING FROM, BUT A LOT OF PEOPLE WILL BE WONDERING…" AND THEN SOFTBALLS ANOTHER FUCKING QUESTION TRUMP CAN DEFLECT

I’m afraid when Piers Morgan makes it easy for the President to talk for two straight minutes without really saying anything, you need to (DRINK)

DONALD J TRUMP MAKES IT EXCEPTIONALLY CLEAR THAT HE DOES NOT REALLY KNOW WHO THE PRIME MINISTER OF THE UK IS AND DOES A LOOK TO CAMERA TO SUGGEST HE COULD NOT RELIABLY FIND OUR ISLAND ON A MAP

"You know, your leaders – your, you know, your main guy – they’re saying to me: Donald. Build a wall." (DRINK)

PIERS MORGAN BRINGS UP THE CELEBRITY SEASON OF THE AMERICAN APPRENTICE APROPOS OF NOTHING AND DONALD TRUMP NODS AS IF HE REMEMBERS IT AT ALL

"The Apprentice, of course – which I won, remember," says Piers. Mate, you beat someone called "Trace Adkins" in the final; don’t try to tell me that person is real and exists jfc (DRINK)

DONALD J TRUMP PRONOUNCES THE WORD 'SCOTLAND' EITHER RELUCTANTLY OR PLAIN WRONG

Does DJT even follow one Scottish Twitter banter account? I dinnae think sae! Have a lovely (DRINK)

PIERS MORGAN PRETENDS HE IS SPEAKING FOR BRITAIN BY SAYING THE WORDS 'SPEAKING FOR BRITAIN' THEN ASKING A QUESTION WHICH WAS NOT PRE-APPROVED BY, FOR EXAMPLE, BRITAIN

And then you (DRINK)

PIERS MORGAN WILL REFER TO 'ELECTION NIGHT' THREE SEPARATE TIMES WITHIN THE FIRST TEN MINUTES OF THE INTERVIEW BECAUSE THAT WAS PROBABLY REALISTICALLY THE LAST TIME DJT FELT ANY REAL HAPPINESS – BEFORE THE ENORMOUS DREAD CREPT IN – AND REMAINS HIS BIGGEST VICTORY TO DATE SO HE KNOWS JUST MENTIONING THAT A LOT WILL GET HIM ON-SIDE

(DRINK) once for every mention and (GLUG) if my three in ten prediction turns out to be right

PIERS MORGAN SUPERFICIALLY CHALLENGES TRUMP ON SOME EXTREMELY MINOR AND PRE-ARRANGED POINT OF FACT, WHICH TO AN OUTSIDE OBSERVER MIGHT SORT OF SEEM LIKE IT’S GOING AFTER HIM FOR LIKE THE BRITAIN FIRST FUCK UP OR THE IMMIGRATION FUCK UP OR THE ALMOST STARTING A NUCLEAR WAR FUCK UP, BUT ACTUALLY IS FOCUSING ON A VERY MINOR PART OF THE WIDER WHOLE OF TRUMP AND BASICALLY MORGAN IS GONNA CROW ABOUT IT LIKE IT'S A WIN, ISN’T HE, BUT ALL THAT’S REALLY GOING TO HAPPEN IS TRUMP’S GONNA GO 'IF THAT’S THE WAY YOU SEE IT, I’LL APOLOGISE', AND AGAIN NOTHING REALLY CHANGES OR HAPPENS AS A RESULT

"The most hard-hitting interview he’s ever had!" – Piers Morgan, seconds after broadcast, a lie, 6,000 RTs but 150,000 @replies, the most cursed ratio in Twitter history (DRINK)

BOTH OF THEM DO THAT THING THEY DO WHERE THEY SIT THEIR LEGS WIDE APART, THE MOST MASCULINE OF ALL THE PASSIVE SITTING POSITIONS, HANDS CLASPED TIGHTLY TOGETHER IN BETWEEN, UNTIL THEY JUST GRADUALLY – IMPERCEPTIBLY AT FIRST, BUT GRADUALLY GATHERING SPEED – UNTIL THEY JUST SPREAD, WIDER AND WIDER AND WIDER, UNTIL THEY ARE BOTH JUST SQUATTING ON THE FLOOR

Sorry, but there’s absolutely no way these two lads don’t end up in a ball-off. And when they do, you (SINK YOUR DRINK)

PIERS MORGAN PUTS HIS NOSE INTO THE ANUS OF DONALD TRUMP

Just starting off slow, here. Every time Piers Morgan puts his nose into the anal passage of the President – just the nose – you have to take a (DRINK)

PIERS MORGAN MANAGES TO GET HIS NOSE AND PART OF HIS JAW INSIDE THE PRESIDENT’S THICC MAGNIFICENT ASS

Oh, now we’re hotting up: whenever Piers Morgan really warms up that thing, and manages to stretch it out to encompass his large flat lower head and neck, you also have to (DRINK)

PIERS MORGAN HAS GOT HIS HEAD INSIDE THE PRESIDENT LIKE AN ANACONDA THAT DIED CHOKING ON A GOAT

Okay, here we go: whenever Piers Morgan manages to stretch like a balloon the anal entry of the President of the United States and yam his entire head up there, his softball questions fully muffled now, I’m afraid you have to have a big swill of your (DRINK)

PIERS MORGAN GETS HIS SHOULDERS AND PART OF AN ARM UP THE PRESSIE

By about minute 45, i.e. three ad breaks in, we really should be seeing some progress between the supposed immovable forces of Piers Morgan’s head and torso and Donald Trump’s now voluminous ass. At the point there is more Piers Morgan in the President than out of him you have to (SINK YOUR DRINK)

NOTHING REALLY HAPPENS AND NOTHING REALLY IS SAID AND BY THE END OF IT YOU REALISE YOU HAVE WATCHED TWO MEN TALK CONSTANTLY FOR 45 MINUTES AND SAY ABSOLUTELY NOTHING OF NOTE BECAUSE THE WHOLE EXERCISE WAS A SORT OF SELF-FELLATING OUROBOROS DESIGNED TO PROMOTE THE BRANDS OF BOTH MEN AT THE EXPENSE OF OUR TIME AND ATTENTION

(SINK YOUR DRINK), then pour another drink, then (SINK YOUR DRINK, AGAIN)!

Piers Morgan's interview with Donald Trump airs tonight on ITV at 10PM.

Tagged:Donald Trumplaffsjokes