This story is over 5 years old.


Theresa May Attempts to Talk About Cooking, Sounds Like Actual Cyborg

“I enjoy cooking which has a benefit because you get to eat it as well as make it.”
Photo via Flickr user EU2017EE Estonian Presidency.

British Prime Minister Theresa May sure sucks at acting normal. So much so, that even her supporters have accused her of being awkward. Her awkwardness, plus the numerous heartless policies she introduced while Home Secretary and now Prime Minister, would even lead one to speculate about how human she really is.

May has an impressive ability to be flummoxed by the most basic of human activities. During 2017’s general election, even the simple task of eating chips proved a challenge, as she awkwardly consumed the fried potato snack on a trip to Cornwall as if she’d never seen it before in her life. When asked on the Tonight programme about the “naughtiest” thing she’d ever done, May told the interviewer it had to be “running through fields of wheat” as a child. Which is quite possibly the least relatable transgression in existence.


We’re happy to inform you that almost a year on from those central motherboard glitches and algorithm malfunctions, Maybot is back at it with her bizarre, staccato chat. In a recent question and answer session with factory workers in Gateshead, the Prime Minister was asked about how she unwinds from the stresses of her job. May explained that sometimes, she and her husband go for walks (fine) and that she also likes to cook (so far, so good). Why does she enjoy cooking? She explained, “because you get to eat it as well as make it.”

Mad. OK. You get to make it … and eat it? Damn, talk about a revelation in pleasure. Talk about pure, unprecedented ecstasy running through your veins as you pull that baked salmon from the oven and realise you haven’t just made this meal to kill 45 minutes or as a kitchen-based challenge, but to actually eat it as well. Drug-induced joy on a beach in Croatia or the feeling of your first born’s tiny foot cupped in your palm can’t touch on this experience.

It makes you think: has May’s robot form ever been so explicit? Yes, when you cook dinner, unless you’re employed to do otherwise, it is the norm to then, eat the thing you have just cooked. Perhaps she should have also explained that she likes walking, because “you get to walk there and get to a place.” Or that she enjoys television, because you “get to sit there and watch it.” Once again, profound insight into the daily working of human beings from our Prime Minister, who is *definitely not* a robot.

May also told the Gateshead workers that she has “over 150 cookbooks” and that her favourites are Munching, Chomping, and Chewing: The Best Human Mouth Motion and Cooking with Unleaded Oil.

Very! Human!