Sex

How To Craft a Perfectly Slutty Tinder Profile

When you want no-strings-attached sex, minus the desperation.
June 21, 2018, 1:33am
Image via Shutterstock.com

Karley Sciortino delves deep into sexuality on her SBS VICELAND show Slutever, which airs on Tuesdays at 9:30pm. Or you can always stream on SBS On-Demand .

When Tinder first became popular, it was briefly a thing to include a line in your profile jokingly promising that “we can tell our grandkids we met in a bookstore.” Thankfully, the culture of shame around sex apps has dissipated since then, to the extent that your grandkids will probably be disappointed if you and your future partner meet in some boring offline way.

Now that it’s totally chill to fall in love on our phones, and completely acceptable to get orgasms from strangers, the slutty potential of these apps has fallen into a confusing grey area. We’re swiping through hundreds of people who all want different things: casual dates, soulmates, threesomes. All options are on the table, and it’s a lot to deal with, especially when you’re just trying to fuck. Somehow, using a series of Facebook photos from 2014, a “witty” emoji-heavy bio, and your favourite Fleet Foxes song, you’re meant to relay just enough information to pique a fellow horny person’s interest. Without giving away so much that you attract someone looking to have a long, awkward DM about life and love.

As we head towards a future where women are just as open about casual sex as men, how do you create a self awarely thirsty Tinder profile? One that doesn’t come across as desperate, but doesn’t commit to anything? It’s possible. Read on.

BLANK BIOS ARE FOR SERIAL KILLERS

Ah, the blank bio. It’s the refuge, mainly, of the straight dude—the guy who wants to cultivate an air of mystery but instead cultivates an air of illiteracy. Here’s the thing: just because you’re not looking for a relationship doesn’t mean you can’t have a human personality. Humour is a turn on. Intelligence is hot. Some people, basic as they may be, are attracted to puns. Why limit your sexual prospects to those Tinder users who are so jaded and dead inside that they’re willing to sleep with someone who they know literally nothing about? Open yourself up to the possibility of some witty post-coital repartee. You deserve it.

Fun possibilities for jokes aside, a blank bio––especially when accompanied by its favourite companions, a series of dimly lit bedroom selfies––is creepy as hell. And creepy does not equal sexy. You know what’s sexy? Safety. The comfortable knowledge that you’re not venturing to a different suburb in order to have your kidney stolen. That the Jehovah’s Witnesses aren’t experimenting with 21st century recruitment tactics. That your hookup doesn’t live in one of those weird Gumtree room share situations. One extremely easy to make a prospective internet sex partner less concerned about getting naked with a stranger is flashing them a glimpse of your normal person credentials. No, that’s not a dick pic metaphor: just Google “funny Tinder bio” and copy/paste, okay?

THIRST TRAPS ARE FINE

Seriously! If there was ever a time to look really, really good in a photo, it’s now. Spend a bit of time scrolling through your camera roll and selecting something with flattering lighting.

BUT ONE SELFIE, MAX

A selfie is probably an essential component of your Tinder profile, but it need not be its centrepiece. There are reasons to include one: only you know your most flattering angle, and those Korean beauty filters are getting really subtle and effective these days. Still, your photos need to tell a story that isn’t just: I am attractive and horny.

The biggest rule? Most of your photos should be taken by or feature other people, and ideally convey the fact that you regularly leave the house––and not just to go to the gym. Again, you’re trying to convince someone to trust you and feel safe around you, not leave them wondering whether you’re one of those computer generated Instagram models.

If you don’t have any friends to take photos with, maybe delete the sex apps for a while and prioritise becoming a normal functioning adult person first. Seriously––go join a social netball team or something.

JUST BE UPFRONT… IN A CHILL WAY

So you’re looking to have sex, tonight. Great! You want to get straight to the point. Cool! You’ve got no time for messing around. Awesome! These are all good points, and it’s helpful to be upfront with what you want when venturing into the extremely ambiguous world of dating apps, but you still have to play the game a little. Tinder is a sport, and you’re competing with all the people slightly hotter than you within a five kilometer radius. How are you going to beat them? You’re going to be totally clear and honest about what you want, but also totally chill and not at all desperate.

It’s a fine art, but some basic guidelines include referencing sex in obvious but non-sleazy ways. In your bio, say you’re looking for something fun but non-serious. Writing in caps that you are “NOT LOOKING FOR A RELATIONSHIP” is probably too much, whereas lying that you’re after “someone special” with the aim of ghosting them after the first hook up is a shitty move. Essentially: don’t be too keen, but don’t string anybody along, either.

While we’re on the topic of keen-ness, stop super liking people. Super likes are never not creepy and confusing. Super likes are the internet equivalent of an unexpected bulge rubbing up against your upper thigh in the club: flattering, until you realise that they could happen to anybody.

Karley Sciortino delves deep into sexuality on her SBS VICELAND show Slutever, which airs on Tuesdays at 9:30pm. Or you can always stream on SBS On-Demand .