The Love Island 2019 Power Ranking: Week Three

If you have ever lived in a house share, you will know that for the first two weeks of living with strangers you are usually on your best behaviour. Doing the washing up before you eat your dinner because you don't want to leave a bad impression, asking the house WhatsApp if anyone wants anything from Tesco, :).

But three weeks. Three weeks is different. You start getting comfortable. You live here, with these people: the house is yours as much as theirs. Maybe at first you leave a bowl out without cleaning it up immediately. Maybe a few days later you have a cheeky cigarette indoors when you think nobody's in (someone is always in, as you learn from the ominous "hi guys" message preview on your phone from the house WhatsApp). You start walking around in your pants.

Amplify all that by the power of a million and imagine your entire life now revolves around living in that house with those housemates. Though, in actual time, the Love Islanders barely know each other, in housemate time they’re basically already on the second year of their contract. As such, their relationships have become more familiar, which has yielded some interesting results:

It’s very rare that you find couples who are both equally good – Michael is an emotionally intelligent Action Man, and Amber is one of the cool girls at school who would spot you being bullied and ask, "Do you want me to beat them up for you?" They’ve adopted Yewande as their first child, and will protect her with their lives. Michael called Danny’s behaviour towards Yewande "proper dickheady" in last night’s episode, which every good parent should do at some point. They’re everything that Amy and Curtis want to be, but could quite literally never be. I know we're only going into Week Four, but if Amber and Michael don’t win, we riot.

Did my heart love until now? Had I known real adoration of another before I saw Maura Higgins wither a man into a raisin with the four crisply-executed syllables: "Go fuck yourself"? Pure poetry.

Just when I think Maura has surpassed all my expectations – asking Anton whether he regularly schedules in arse-shaving with his mum, and if they call it "arsehole Wednesdays", for example – she tops them again. She may well be open about sex and her enjoyment of it, but she’s not about to let a walking jawline in boat shoes (also known as "Tom", seems fake) disrespect her. What I am saying is that I do not think I am a suggestible person, but if Maura started a cult I would definitely join it.

Delighted to bear witness to Anna having a blossoming romance because: a) she was due some good luck, and b) she’s the only one who snogs properly.

There are two types of power in Love Island. Let me explain:

I – INTER-VILLA POWER
You are powerful within the villa. Villa power has two sub-categories: A) FRIEND POWER

This type of power means you are well-liked in the villa, regardless of whether anyone fancies you. Perhaps you fulfil an important part of the villa eco-system: you are good at advice, or funny, or can actually make an omelette, unlike the rest of these ripped, overgrown children. Having friend power is very important because, crucially, it means you will probably stay in the villa after a recoupling, because your mate will pick you so that you don’t go home.

B) ROMANTIC POWER

This is the most sought-after villa power, but also riskier than Friend Power. Everyone wants to be fancied, of course, but unless you’re in a secure couple, heads – as the ancient Love Island proverb says – can simply always be turned.

II – AUDIENCE POPULARITY POWER

At the end of the day, it is what it is, and Villa Power doesn’t mean shit unless you’re well liked by the public, because they're who choose the winners and get to vote people off (fun fact: I recently voted someone off Love Island using the app for the first time, and then when they were evicted I felt terrible personal guilt about it – an insight into how much this show is rotting my brain). The audience can make and break careers: the universally-liked Dani Dyer (3.5 million Insta followers, fast fashion line that she constantly refers to as "my range, girls" in photo captions, eyelash extensions with her face on the box) is proof enough of that.

All this said, we come to Yewande. Though her romantic power may be slipping as Danny inches towards Arabella, Yewande basically has all the other types of power in spades. She’s beloved in the villa and has won the audience all the way back round since her Sunday night chat with Danny, where she basically went "HMM?" every time he tried to speak and left him looking like the lad who pissed himself on the first day of Year 7. Hugely powerful stuff, but would like to request that the producers drop a hot doctor in for her ASAP.

Like other glossy haired Amazonian women before her (just Anna, no one else) Arabella inspired awe in all of us. When your first appearance involves you wearing a little gold bikini, lounging by the pool like a giant mermaid, I expect to fall in love within one episode. But after only four days, she pulled Danny for a chat and spoke to him like your mum telling you which GCSEs you can and can’t pick. She’s disappointed me in a way that is usually reserved for tall men: promising, powerful sexual energy, but not delivering.

Found rotting! Forget the backwards gender politics upon which this entire show is predicated – these guys are wearing PINK!

You know a great way to get more affection from the person you’re dating? Keep telling them to give you more affection, which you will be keeping tabs on and measuring. But also it has to look “natural” and “not forced”. And if they fail, you will dump them for a six-foot-tall model called Arabella. That is clearly the best way to do things. Or at least, so Danny seemed to think this week with Yewande.

I am quite certain that on my deathbed – with my loved ones surrounding me, clutching my hand, tears misting their eyes – the last image that will flash through my brain will not be a happy memory of good times with family, or a life-affirming sunset, but Anton Danyluk lying flat on cheap B&Q decking, talking about his mother shaving his arsehole: "If I’m really hairy, she’ll get the electric razor and it’ll be like a trimmer."

Tom Walker, whose name I have to Google repeatedly because I keep forgetting that it’s not "Dan" or "Jack" or "Paul". Tom who wears no socks. Tom who gives off the energy of James Morrison and Chris Martin if they were smooshed together and worked at Abercrombie & Fitch. Tom, who could have easily sailed through the next week or so before being voted out and presented with a few extra modelling gigs, but instead royally fucked it. Tom who said, "It will be interesting to see if she’s all mouth or not" once to the boys, and then again to Maura’s face, causing everyone watching to collectively gasp at either the absolute audacity, or the stupidity. It’s genuinely hard to tell which one.

My dude, just because a woman is sexually open, does not mean she is sexually available. Please learn the difference before trying to date people.

@hiyalauren / @daisythejones / @nanasbaah