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This Is Why You Should Never Reach Under a Scottish Waiter’s Kilt

A group of male waiters from the city of Inverness has gone on strike, complaining about being constantly groped by horny female clientele. The sexual harassment tables have turned.
July 13, 2015, 8:00pm

As we previously reported, Scotland is currently undergoing a bit of a gastronomic renaissance, shedding its deep-fried trappings in favor of more inspired fare. So it should come as a bit of a shock to hear about a much less-known issue that is plaguing the Scottish culinary scene.

We're talking about wiener-grabbing. Screw The Prince Albert: This summer's wang-related adornment should totally be the William Wallace.

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In any event, a group of male waiters from the city of Inverness has recently gone on strike against their establishment's kilt-only dress code. They are complaining about being groped in the crotch, or what I believe should henceforth be know as the "Glasgow Handshake."

(Sorry head-butting—you'll always hold a place in our hearts.)

The Hootenanny is a popular Inverness pub that is known for its live music and traditional Scottish cuisine, serving "highland venison meatballs," and a dish known as "haggis, neeps, and tatties." They also serve "hoots cullen skink." Is it just me, or does this menu sound a lot like a dominatrix's to-do list?

Evidently not. The waiters at Hootenanny are required to wear tartan kilts, "as it's part of the highland appeal." The problem is that some female customers—many of who are out on "hen nights," as bachelorette parties are known in the Empire—have been doing way more than just dancing around the figurative maypole. The waiters are complaining about constant harassment by women who want to know the answer to this important question: are they true Scotsmen?

Hootenanny's assistant manager had this to say about the growing problem: "The first few times it is funny. But when it is really busy and everyone has to work fast and hard, and your hands are full of glasses, you feel quite vulnerable."

Move over Magic Mike. See you later Chippendales. Hootenanny appears to be the new place to go for ladies looking to engage in some uncontrolled groping with a dash of voyeurism.

"We're circled and are completely defenseless…" one waiter told The Scottish Sun. Are we talking about a particularly rowdy bachelorette party or a group of raptors? Throw in Wayne Knight and this could totally be some sort of twisted, cross-promotion for Jurassic World.

Kit Fraser, the owner of the establishment called the problem "pure sexism." The waiters describe the treatment they've been receiving as both humiliating and a practical problem: "You are thinking, 'Are you going to get broken glasses, or is your kilt going to get lifted up again?'

The kilt-clad blokes may not find striking to be the only defense they have, thanks to recent legislation. Scotland—a bit behind the international trend—gave official recognition to male rape as a crime in 2010. The passing of The Sexual Offences (Scotland) Act redefined rape in Scotland in a non-gender specific manner.

Kudos to Scotland for updating their sexual harassment laws. But this could mean that the only place for a hen party to find red-blooded, kilt-wearing Scotsmen will be in a strip clubs—and not serving actual haggis.