Christopher Harris' Fantasy Football Mailbag Week 15

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Adam: If Julio Jones plays, how high will you rank him in Sunday's game against the 49ers?

Conventional wisdom has it that the Falcons are apt to rest Julio one more week because the Niners should be as easy to beat as the Rams were in Week 14. Conventional wisdom is a sap. Conventional wisdom says Alec Baldwin probably shouldn't host the exhumed Match Game, but I mean, obviously, it's glorious.

Now that the Falcons have leaked that Jones's injury is a sprained toe and not turf toe, they seem to be paving the way for him to play Sunday. The conspiracy theorist in me wants to cry bullshit, because why would Dan Quinn tell the 49ers his plans? Wouldn't it be perfect to make Chip Kelly fret all week about Julio and then run him around as a decoy? Maybe. Knowing the NFL, though, I just think coaches are always paranoid that this will be the week their squad doesn't show up, even as two-touchdown favorites. My non-paranoid guess is that Jones will suit up, and his participation will be dictated by how he feels play by play.

And on semifinal weekend, that doesn't leave his fantasy owners in a happy place. There's really no way I can rank Julio to simultaneously account for his risk and his floor. His upside is a week-winning performance. His downside is a donut. I run out of trustable wideouts really quick this week, but if I have to inject Jones into one-size-fits all, linear ranks, I don't think I could get him into my top 20. You won last week without him, which means you have a potential solution on your roster. But if you look at your opponent's squad and consider yourself a big underdog? Use him. Take the shot if he's active, and just hope.

Kevin: What's your favorite album of 2016?

This is one of two questions I've been asked most over the past month. I wrote a novel about music in which I name-dropped like 300 bands and now I'm everybody's expert. But I wish folks asked me before this year! The book was basically done in February, at which point my primary research halted quicker than RGIII's comeback. Instead of hanging out late at a rock club and weaseling my way into a conversation with the band ("Hi, I'm writing a book. No, I'm not Eric Stoltz.") and instead of listening to a studio engineer fret about making his rent and instead of watching a singer pouring her heart out while every kid is checking their phone … instead of continuing to pay attention to everything that was going on in the rock corner of the music business, for most of 2016 I was flushing my personal RAM and bingeing Better Call Saul.

All of which is to say: I don't have a wide enough frame of reference to feel confident in my choice. In 2013 it was "Cerulean Salt" by Waxahatchee. In 2014 it was "Brill Bruisers" by New Pornographers. In 2015 it was "Painted Shut" by Hop Along. And yes, if I mention those records often enough, I'm assuming the artists will want to hang out with me. I'm really cool.

But I'll give my best answer for '16: "Cardinal" by Pinegrove. Which I only heard of for the stupidest reason imaginable: the band's name is also the name of the street I live on. Did I mention how really cool I am?

Mark: Where should J.J. Nelson rank for Week 15 now that the Cardinals have released Michael Floyd (who signed with the Patriots)?

I ranked Nelson outside my top 40 receivers, but I accept that he's probably got more upside than I'm giving him credit. Against the Dolphins in a deluge last week, Nelson first took an end-around 56 yards for a touchdown where he showed off his crazy speed, and caught a red-zone score to tie the game with three minutes left. It was Nelson's third touchdown in two games. And with Floyd gone, Jaron Brown out for the year, and John Brown still unable to play much because of leg problems brought on by his sickle-cell trait, there could be tons of playing time available for Nelson Sunday against the Saints.

The reason I'm being circumspect with Nelson this week is that my memory still extends one month into the past. We were at this exact point in November, where the two Browns were unavailable and Floyd had been benched, and Nelson was supposedly due for some high usage. After an eight-catch game in Week 8 against the Panthers, Nelson played starter's snaps against the 49ers, the Vikings, and the Falcons, in which he had five combined catches and three combined drops. He was bad. He got benched. The past two games he's only had two targets apiece. No question, J.J. Nelson can make a big play. But if he's a poor man's DeSean Jackson, I'd probably just go ahead and start DeSean Jackson.

Dan: Do you have advice for would-be authors?

And here's the second question I've been asked most over the past month. I wish I could paint you a picture of myself as a jet-setting raconteur who plays hard and writes about the many exciting episodes that befall him. But at least the way I do it: writing's a slog.

It's every day, hours a day, by myself. The ratio of hyper-satisfying moments of crystalline self-perception to irritated grousing about why I'm not spending time among other humans is low. You have to do it. That's the thing. (Holding out the promise of a protracted masturbation session after you finish that next page is also a winning tactic.) I did an MFA and don't regret it, but I wouldn't say I got an amazing writing education that flipped a switch in me. It was simply time to write: to crank out mediocre pages to learn how to crank out better pages. An MFA program exposes you to dozens of people who like the idea of writing more than they actually like doing it, or rather maybe they just like weed more. All this is to say nothing of reading. You have to read everything. Ever. And not want friends.

As for the business of getting published and promoted? Fuck, I don't know. It's insane. It's basically impossible. I think it helps to be the offspring of a famous person. So make that happen.

Joe: Do you think owners who get eliminated from their fantasy playoffs should still be allowed to submit waiver claims?

Should they be allowed? Yes. Should they do it? Of course not.

When you die, I recommend that you stay dead. I maintain that any spirit who comes back to this mortal coil to haunt the living is a complete asshole. Hamlet's response should've been "OK, dead dad, but why are you being a dick?" You've got the mysteries of the non-corporeal universe to explore and you're hanging around someone's attic waiting for decades to jump out from behind a fondue pot and scare the crap out of me? You got me. Now that our souls are conjoined I command you to watch as I clean the gunk out of my toenails real slow.

Similarly, a fantasy squad that's been eliminated has no business meddling in the doings of those of us who still draw breath. As a commissioner, I'm reluctant to outlaw any transactions on the fly, mainly because it adds work and I'm lazy. I don't veto trades, I don't gather ammunition to make accusations of collusion. But dammit, don't test me, or next year you're finding a new league. Don't be a ghost-dick. If you're in a re-draft league and you're out, just lie there and be a corpse.

Kyle: If you won the lottery, what would be your first purchase?

Um, friends?

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