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We Answered Canada’s Most Googled Questions of 2016

'Who is Harambe?' Well, I hope you're sitting down...
Mack Lamoureux
Toronto, CA
December 14, 2016, 9:24pm

Us Canadians tend to be an inquisitive folk.

When you're trapped inside for six months a year because the outdoors actively want you dead, you can't help but try to learn about the world. And, because we live in the future, there's no better place than the internet to turn to for answers to critical questions like "Who is Damn Daniel?" and "What is shadow flipping?"

Google just released its Canadian trending list for 2016 and among the statistics that showed we Googled the hell out of Drake, the Ford Bros, Gord Downie and Trump, you can find the questions most asked by Canadians. I thought I would do my patriotic duty and try to answer the most difficult of these questions for you, the Canadian Googler.

Q: Who is Harambe? (Not joking, this was the number one 'who is' question Googled by Canadians)
A: Oh boy! Starting off strong aren't we? OK… are you sitting down? If not, maybe find a place to sit down, this isn't going to be a fun one. You sitting? OK, good.

Harambe was a beautiful gorrilla at the Cincinnati Zoo. A three-year-old climbed into his enclosure and Harambe grabbed and dragged the boy. At this time, zoo staff shot and killed our fair Harambe. The gorrilla quickly transcended his physical self and became the muse for meme creators worldwide. Very quickly people started getting their dicks out for him and he became co-opted by some pretty terrible people and, because it's 2016, it got racist really fast.

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In short, he died so we could live and we promptly ruined it.

Q: What is shadow flipping?
A: A really shady way of making money off real estate. Essentially a real estate agent will arrange a sale but secretly find more than one buyer willing to pay more before the deal is closed. The multiple sales will happen, typically without the original seller knowing, but land transfer taxes will only happen once. BC's premier cracked down on the practice, and ended self-regulation of real estate this summer.

Q: Who is Ken Bone?
A: An inquisitive person who asked a question during one of the American presidential debates. Bone, a unique looking gentleman, was immediately adored by the internet who, by sheer force of will, made him into a meme.

Bone tried to capitalize on his newfound popularity and it… uh, didn't go well. His rise was swift as was the conquerent downfall. Ride hard, die hard right?

Q: What is Wheat Kings about?
A: This is the only question on Canada's Google list that in no possible way could be on any other country's list. Smell that fair reader? That smell is patriotism. This is what it's all about right here.

Wheat Kings is a tune from The Tragically Hip's 1992 album Fully Completely. It tells the tale of David Milgaard who was wrongfully convicted and imprisoned for the horrific rape and murder of Gail Miller in 1970. Twenty-three years later Milgaard was released and the real killer was found.

The iconic opening line "Sundown in the Paris of the Prairies" refers to Winnipeg although the nickname is typically used for Saskatoon but, honestly, it really could be anywhere. The song has captured the hearts of many a prairie dweller, myself included, and make us long for home—which, when you take in mind of what the song is about, is, like, super fucked up.

We also hope when you Googled this question you found our story answering it.

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Q: What is a burkini?
A: In short it's a thing a bunch of assholes freaked out about earlier this year. The burkini is a swimsuit that covers the whole body of a woman except her face, hands and feet. It's intended to be a modesty garment for some followers of Islam who also like to swim in public.

They were banned by some communities in France and shit got out of hand when a woman was forced to remove it. The ban was decried as bullshit by many, including Human Rights Watch who called it "shameful and absurd."

Q: What is happening to the bees?
A: The population of bees keeps dropping and it's not good. Seven species of bees were put on the endangered list a few months ago and the common bumble bee may be on there shortly. Many things are playing into the decline in bee population which makes solving the problem excessively hard.

So, yeah, there is your answer. Sorry for bumming you out.

Q: Who is George Soros?
A: According to Twitter, George Soros is the man who pays me to spread the evil liberal agenda. According to reality, Soros is a billionaire businessman who supports many progressive topics.

Was that a good job Mr. Soros? I don't want to anger you and lose that wad of cash you give all journalists.

Q: Who is the father of Bridget Jones baby?
A: Great Canada, you made me add to the list and Google that to help you. Are you happy now? Is your work done?

Apparently it's Colin Firth or Patrick Dempsey. But who really knows in the wacky world of Bridget Jones, hell, it could be Ken Bone.

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Q: Who is Damn Daniel?
A: Really Canada… really? Damn Daniel is not a person but a viral video of a dude super stoked on his friend Daniel who is back at it again with the white vans.

Q: Who is Ann Coulter?
A: The worst.

Q: Who is moving to Canada?
A: Look Canada, I'm not answering these goddamn questions anymore. Go back to Google.

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