The NBA Unwatchability Index: A Guide to the 2014-15 NBA Season’s Worst Games

The NBA released its 2014-15 regular season last night. And while there's much to celebrate and spectate and fantasize over—Derrick Rose…AGAIN!; LeBron in Cleveland…AGAIN!; Gregg Popovichc cantankerously trolling…AGAIN!—there's much to moan about as well. That's what we do best and that's what we're doing today.

Opening Night, 10/28: Houston @ LA Lakers

The late game of the opening night's double header is the Houston Rockets at the Los Angeles Lakers. The Lakers are going to be atrociously bad-to-average this season. They lost Pau Gasol and may not have Kobe Bryant back for the opener. Why the hell the NBA and TNT subjected us to this game, this early in the season, is beyond rational thought. A contrived and guileless money grab for the casual NBA fan's attention and "Durrr, Lakers. Kobe. OK!"

Wednesday, 10/29: Philadelphia @ Indiana 

An early, but strong contender for worst game of the year: Philadelphia at Indiana presents us, the League Pass guzzling acolytes, with an early test of faith. A broken, possibly white-flag waving, Paul-George-less Pacers squad against a 76ers squad that has no intention whatsoever of winning more than 20 games, because of Sam Hinkie's diabolical "NBA Draft Lottery way your team to relevance!" team-building plan. Thanks, NBA deities. Thanks a lot for the blow to the solar plexus.

Friday, 11/7: Minnesota @ Orlando

:'(

Friday, 11/14: San Antonio @ LA Lakers

This game is just the audio of Big Sean saying "Oh God!" from "Clique" and the visuals from Time-Life's "Trials of Life" series—nationally televised horror. [roll film]

(The Lakers are the baby seal.)

Saturday, 11/15: Brooklyn @ Portland

Poor Nets. After traveling 3,783 miles in five days, Brooklyn wraps up a very unpleasant roadtrip in Rip City. Lucky for you, you can binge watch whatever is hot and new on YouTube in lieu of torturing yourself with a very average (and very tired) Nets squad being destroyed by a very underrated Blazers team.

Friday, 12/12: LA Lakers @ San Antonio Spurs

Within the span of less than two months, the LA Lakers—a team that's not going to make the playoffs (or likely finish above .500)—are on national TV five times. Twice in that span they'll be eviscerated on national TV by the Spurs. Great. Just great. I know, I know, it's about the economics of televised sporting events and the Lakers being arguably the NBA's most identifiable national "brand," but c'mon, this team has been rank for the past three seasons and people who actually like watching basketball are left to suffer through more of their wretchedness?

Thursday, 12/25: Lakers @ Bulls

Ugh. The Lakers are on national television AGAIN! Look, Chicago winters are long enough and miserable enough without Bulls fans having to fret over the humiliation of losing to a Kobe-less, Nick Young-led Lakers team. Damnation. Oh, and Carlos Boozer will be back in Chicago. People will be saying "BOOOOOOO!" so much. Neat. Great. Wonderful.

Saturday, 1/3/2015: Philly @ LA Clippers

Buried smack dab in the middle of the regular season. I am not kidding that much when I speculate as to whether Blake, CP3 and DeAndre Jordan could beat this year's 76ers team three-on-whatever. In any case, let's use this time to consider the humiliation and stain that it still is that the NBA has afforded Shelly Sterling so many pathetic luxuries and titles even following the sale of the Clippers. There's the "#1 Fan for Life" title, which, WHAT? Aren't you an adult, lady? Free VIP passes, tickets, parking permits? Good grief, Adam Silver! We know you were in a jam, but come on. You kowtowed to one vile urchin after dismissing her husband and for what? The saved skin of so many other billionaire urchins?

Monday, 1/19: LA Lakers @ Phoenix

Have I gotten through to you how shitty and annoying the Lakers are going to be yet? Sigh. Another nationally televised game. It's the nightcap for the MLK Day bevy of games. No idea why they didn't showcase any other team besides the Lakers here. Oh, $$$, right.

Thursday, 3/12: New York Knicks @ LA Lakers

A few things: 1. This may well be the most annoying game of the year. 2. February's schedule is actually pretty good! 3. I brought this all on myself.

Monday, 3/16: Philadelphia @ Boston

This game has the face only a Northeastern mother could love. Guh. What a slog this season will be for both of these teams and their fans. Apologies to Nerlens Noel, Joel Embiid, and Rajon Rondo.

Sunday, 3/22: Denver @ Orlando

It's dark and hell is hot. Read about the concept of theodicy. Go for a walk. Do anything except watch this game.

Friday, 4/3: Portland @ LA Lakers

Yet another nationally televised game for the Lakers. Patience, gentle viewer, there will be playoff games soon.

Thursday, 4/14: Washington @ Indiana

Wow. I bet TNT wishes they had a mulligan on this. Following Lance's departure and the horrific Paul George injury, how on earth will Indy average more than 75 ppg? Poor Paul George, poor TNT, poor television audience.

Wednesday, 4/15: Denver @ Golden State

Hey, it's "Not the Lakers!"

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