From the horny bowels of the internet, it's no secret that there are a lot of sex toys out there for every need, body, and kink. We try out as many of them as we can ourselves (from vibrating penis rings to alien-like clitoral probers), but, alas: We only have so many sets of genitals.
That’s why a user’s sex toy review is so important. Crucial, in fact. There’s a reason why sex toys such as the Satisfyer Pro 2 have gone viral and achieved a cult-level status: the 45,000 insanely positive reviews that are popping off on the vibrator’s Amazon page alone. But the thing with sex toy reviews is that they aren't just informative; they also tend to be really, really entertaining, with anecdotes about everything from orgasm first-timers to The Perfect Storm-level squirting. This is where sexual truths emerge that you'll rarely hear shared even at the brunch table.
Here are all of the sex toys with the most B-A-N-A-N-A-S reviews that we could find online, from biblical allegories to treatises on long-distance squirting marksmanship. Some have been abridged for clarity from their novel-length reviews. As the old adage goes, this is just the tip.
The cult of the Satisfyer Pro 2
One of our writers gave this toy a thorough, honest review and it’s confirmed: This thing rocks. As a contactless clitoral vibrator, it promises to stimulate your nethers with air pressure technology that works for even the most sensitive of clitorises, and it delivers. But why listen to us, when you could listen to the Amazon review of Goddess Divine:
“This rose gold, silicone tipped beauty will make you feel like the Queen you were always meant to be. I'm talking hands free. You can watch your porn, eat a snack, browse Netflix, knit a sweater, whatever you want [...] By the time you hit [orgasm] number 3, your soul will separate from your body like some Doctor Strange move. Now you've reached the need-an-Excorism level. Palms sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy, weirdly craving spaghetti. You'll become your biggest cheerleader. You're the freaking champion. You're going to cum. You deserve this. You freaking know you do.”
The squirt master
Squirting is a journey, and as Anna Pulley explained for VICE in her how-to guide to squirting, different methods and toys work for different people; there’s no one-size-fits-all path to Squirtsville—but the Njoy wand comes pretty damn close. The metal, non-vibrating toy is famous for being both an excellent anal and vaginal toy, especially for squirting, and a professional sex worker once told one of our writers that it would be her desert island toy. But don’t take it from us, take it from Carly’s Amazon review:
“My husband has wanted me to squirt for him, but thousands, and I do mean thousands, of dollars later, he stumbled upon this little weighted piece of heaven. I got started with finding what felt like the right spot, IDK where my G-spot is BTW, but this wonderful tool pops in and is like, ‘Oh, hi! In case you didn't know, this spot right here makes you cum uncontrollably!’ And then it never leaves that spot! It took me literally three minutes before I was SQUIRTING, (no gush, no little bit of cum) but squirting long off the edge of the bed. And not once, or twice a minute.. but (and I am being 100% literal) every 3 SECONDS a torrent of cum was shooting out of me.”
We repeat: Torrent of Cum. In theaters and IMAX on Christmas Day.
The one that makes god shake her head
The Lovense Lush 3 App Controlled Rechargeable Love Egg Vibrator is probably not what the Big Person Upstairs (my neighbor Devon) had in mind when she gave her children free will—but she also gave them clits, so who knows! In their review, titled “Present from God,” Cc, a Lovehoney shopper, walks us through her enlightening experience with the most hole-y of toys. “It is my first toy and it’s not hard to become familiar with it,” she writes. “My body is really sensitive so my bf made me crawl on floor and when I wanted to get up he would immediately turn on the egg, stopped me from standing up and I would literally start shaking non stop. And my bf started fucking me with this thing in my vagaygay [sic]. My vagaygay was filled with happiness and excitement. IT FELT LIKE HEAVEN. Totally recommend this.”
This svelte prostate massager
Have you ever wanted to learn more about prostate milking? Because there’s a world of pleasure back there, Jimothy. It just takes a bit of exploring, a well-oiled finger, and a toy or two if you should choose. “This toy is almost like a match made in heaven,” writes one reviewer about the Aneros Progasm Ice Prostate Massager, “[It] sends me to orgasm heaven. I can basically achieve on-demand dry-orgasms which leave my tongue dangling, my eyes rolled up and my body spasming for 15 mins+. It has never gotten me remotely close to having a hands-free wet orgasm, but gives consistent, mind-blowing dry O's.” Damn.
Fifty shades of cum
So the Fifty Shades of Grey sex toy line is actually amazing?? They've got handcuffs, they've got kink kits, they've got it all, but as one of our writers explained in a detailed review, the real standout sex toy is the brand's rabbit vibrator. It has extra long ears on the clitoral attachment and a curved, bulbous tip for targeting the G-spot for combined orgasms. “I do have one complaint!,” writes a verified customer on Lovehoney, “I reach orgasm within 10 seconds!!!! So I haven’t been able to test all the settings.”Another reviewer said, “WOW. Let me tell you something about this right here…..God’s Gift!!!!! Pros: The intense arousal feeling accompanied by explosive orgasms! Bottom Line: God’s Gift to women!” Amen, Daddy.
A Zeus-worthy dildo
“For when you need the grip strength of Zeus wrangling his mighty thunderbolt,” writes reviewer J. Wolf about this jelly dildo, “Accept no substitute. Scientifically proven to withstand wind speeds traveling over 110KM embedded to the front of my wild stallion. 10/10 would sodomize again.” That’s a lot of bang for your buck, at under $15:
A bug’s life (is pretty horny)
Zeep is a vibrator from the very cool Cute Little Fuckers, a sexual wellness company that makes incredible toys with a special emphasis on non-binary and trans customers in-mind. In the words of a reviewer going by Pretty Squid, this vibe induced plenty of “screams, moans, unbelieving gasps, [during] crotchal-to-crotchal vibrator sharing. Then there was a lot of lying back exhausted, breathing heavily, and saying of the word "Wow." Fantastic for couples without penii. (Probably fantastic in other contexts, as well, though I can't attest either way to that.)”
A rose by any other name
TikTok has been going bonkers for rose-shaped clitoral vibrators lately, and this version of the sex toy will have you shouting, “[Redacted] me, Seymour!” with its fluttering tongue and nine vibrational patterns. It’s hard to pick just one of the over 600 reviews for this bud, which has users saying, “It don’t need directions, don’t talk back. Ladies I touched the sky today. This little thing is EVERYTHING!!!!” and “I thought people were exaggerating, but I truly haven’t felt this good since I started having sex, it made me realize how incompetent men are! Like, I never knew I could feel soooo goood, it opened doors for [me] to think outside the box with my sex life. This toy is the truth!! IDK how to explain how good I feel because I love sex but I haven’t found someone who did me how this toy did me, chileeee I could shed tear!!!!!!!!”
Ice, ice baby
When it comes to penis masturbators, Fleshlight reigns supreme. The sexual wellness brand’s popular Blue Ice Blowjob Simulator has over 700 reviews on Amazon, and many intricate testimonials about how savvy it is at sucking you off. “This thing literally sucked my eyeballs out through my... well, you know,” writes one reviewer, “I wouldn't trade it for anything. Thankfully it's easy to find.”
They don’t call it “Mona” for nothing
Hands down, ass up, LELO is one of the swishest luxury sex toy companies out there; not only did it raise the bar for quality engineering and design with its Swedish delights, but its Mona dildo inspired one reviewer to wax poetic over its good vibrations by writing out all of the lyrics to a certain Beach Boys song; “I'm pickin' up good vibrations (oom bop bop)/She's giving me the excitations (excitations, oom bop bop)/I'm pickin' up good vibrations (oom bop bop)/She's giving me the excitations (excitations)/Close my eyes, she's somehow closer now…” You get the picture.
May the rest of your week be filled with exorcism-level orgasms and good vibrations.
The Rec Room staff independently selected all of the stuff featured in this story.