‘You Can’t Control Their Reaction’: LGBTQIA+ People On When Their Parents Accepted Their Sexuality

Despite it being 2023, homophobic ideas and language sadly linger amongst many groups.

In the 12 months prior to the ABS’ 2020 General Social Survey, LGBTQIA+ folks were more than twice as likely as heterosexual people to have experienced discrimination, and anti-transgender hate is on the rise.

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But, when it comes to progress, Australia has made large strides in the acceptance of the LGBTQIA+ community.

According to a VICE Australia survey, 73.7% of Australians believe anti-discrimination laws are the most significant issue concerning LGBTQIA+ people right now.

We have more queer representation on mainstream screens, employers are getting involved in Pride initiatives, helping to foster more inclusive workplaces, and more young people are identifying as LGBTQIA+ with every passing year.

Although recent generations are some of the most accepting in history, the thought of coming out to your loved ones (especially your parents) may still be daunting.

If you’re yet to share your sexuality with the people closest to you, or you’re in the thick of a familial fall-out from simply being your true self, VICE Australia, in collaboration with Sydney Gay and Lesbian Mardi Gras sponsors, Johnnie Walker, spoke with three young people who’ve been where you are now.

Jules, 21, Vic, she/her

What was the reaction when you first came out to your family?

My siblings were really great about it. They asked questions and listened, and have continued to be nothing but supportive.

However, it was very hard with my mum. I was 19 at the time, but she said I was confused and too young.

I tried my very hardest to put myself in her shoes and knew it would take time for her, so I gave her the benefit of the doubt. I just wanted to share this part of me with her, but I felt so small and invalidated afterwards.

When did they begin to accept you for who you are?

My mum has grown in so many ways. And I know she’s trying, which I’m very grateful for. It’s been two years since I came out to her. I don’t think we’ve ever had a conversation regarding my sexuality where I left feeling validated or like who I am is okay — which sucks.

I hope that one day she is proud of her queer daughter.

What would you say to people whose parents haven’t reacted positively to their sexuality?

First of all, it’s okay to be sad about this, because it really does hurt. But, I promise that there will be people in your life who will see you and your sexuality as valid. There are people out there that see this wonderful part of you as something that is worthy to be loved in all its fullness.

**Brad, 23, NSW, he/they

What was the reaction when you first came out to your family?**

I never came out to my parents. They found out one day when I was 15. They took my iPad off me and read through messages of my coming out to close friends. I had never been so scared in my life and felt instant betrayal. I strongly believe that this traumatic invasion of privacy still affects my ability to communicate how I feel about things to this day.

There’s a lot that they still don’t understand, especially my father. I don’t think I’ll ever come out to them about the fact that I use he/they pronouns.

When did they begin to accept you for who you are?

My parents have both been pretty supportive, there’s always things that I don’t necessarily feel comfortable discussing — especially in front of my dad — because he always has weird reactions and says some homophobic things regarding the way people dress or identify. So even though he accepts me, it’s hard to hear him say negative things about other people.

What would you say to people whose parents haven’t reacted positively to their sexuality?

I’m sorry. I know it’s really hard, but you can create your own family; a chosen family.

Caitlin, 29, Vic, she/her

What was the reaction when you first came out to your family?

My parents were supportive. My dad said very little and my mum said she doesn’t care who I sleep with, which low-key annoyed me because it’s not just about sex? Especially because I think a lot of later-in-life lesbians and queers go through the thought process of thinking they might be asexual because they’re not attracted to cisgender men.

When did they begin to accept you for who you are?

A few months in, it got easier.

What would you say to people whose parents haven’t reacted positively to their sexuality?

Opening up this part of yourself to your parents is tricky because you can’t control their reaction. I think once you’re out, there’s no going back. Don’t hide any more of yourself like you’ve probably been doing for years. Be patient with your parents and show that you’re happy, because that’s (most likely) all they care about.

Find your community, find good outlets that advocate for people like you. Open up space for your parents to ask questions and don’t make your life smaller because you think it’ll make them more comfortable.

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